...for dieting, that is.

Most of us learned about the four seasons when we were younger, about spring, summer, autumn, and winter. Considering I grew up in Michigan, there were really two seasons: winter and three months of bad sledding. Now that I'm an adult, and living south of the Mason-Dixon line, there are many more seasons than I experienced as a kid in Michigan. To everything, there is a season, and to every season, there is a reason to diet.

Winter: It's your New Year's Resolution to have a Totally New You by developing those Buns of Steel. (I'd settle for buns of cinnamon, but then, that's me.)

Spring: It's going to be Bathing Suit Season soon, and you had better fit in that Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini you wore when you were three. So it looks like a thong. So what. I hear they're popular these days!

Summer: It's Bathing Suit Season and EVERYONE IS GOING TO SEE YOUR FAT ASS IN THAT BATHING SUIT SO YOU BETTER STOP EATING, YOU FAT PIG.

Autumn: Do NOT gain weight over the holidays, and here's how (you can start by not celebrating the holidays at all).

Ta-da! The year in dieting. Winter season is the worst, and right now about all I seem to hear commercials for are end-of-the-year car sales, cigarette cessation aids, and diet products. It makes me almost pity the poor guy who's trying to hawk replacement windows so that people can get their tax credit.

Almost.

Jeopardy!, the game show for grandmas and geeks like me, Jeopardy! for crap's sake, is now sponsored in part by a colon cleanser (aka, an overpriced laxative that just really dehydrates you and then you take a drink of water and bloat from here to Timbuktu. Trust me, kids, don't try this at home).

The Diet Survivor's Group blog has a list of alternate dieting headlines for magazines to use. Start with these examples and then you might just have a fun game to play in the checkout aisle at the grocery store.

Self Magazine:
The Food Lover's Diet - 31 Tiny Tricks That Peel Off Major Pounds
My Edit:
The Food Lover's Diet - Eat What You Love and Savor Every Bite

Allure:
The Easiest Diet Ever: Drop 600 Calories A Day Without Feeling Hungry
My Edit:
The Easiest Diet Ever: Eat When You Are Hungry And You'll Never Feel Hungry (duh!)

Shape:
How We Lost 477 Pounds Together: 6 Women Share The Diet Secrets That Worked For Them
My Edit:
How We Raised Our Consciousness Together : 6 Women Share Their Wisdom And Empower Each Other

Fitness:
Your Best Body Ever
My Edit:
Your Body Is The Best Body Ever

O Magazine:
How To Get What You Really Want This Year: Weight Loss That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secrets For Keeping The Pounds Off
My Edit:
Keep Working Toward Getting What You Really Want This Year: Body Satisfaction That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secret Is That There Is No Secret For Keeping The Pounds Off.

Seventeen
Total Body Confidence - Great Abs, Butt & Legs By New Year's
My Edit: (I got kind of hopeful with the first part...)
Total Body Confidence - Enjoy Your Body In Its Fullness All Year Long

Us:
The Biggest Loser - How I Did It!
My Edit:
The Biggest Winner - How I Did It! Tips To Love, Respect, And Honor YourselfWoman's World:Break Through Ohio State University BELLY FAT CURE! Discovery - Two Spoonfuls Of This Oil Will Block Fat Storage! Melt 5" Of Belly Fat - No Diet Required!
My Edit:
Woman's World Announces Bankruptcy As Readers Boycott Magazine Due To Outrageous Claims!

I guess this game beats hibernating...

{{brought to you from the archives...}}

To all of my moms, real and virtual.  And to my readers, whether or not they have actual children, for all of you are helping me learn how to parent myself (which is a lot of the point of being a mother, no?):

One of my readers sent this list to me, and I had to share it.

20 REASONS RECOVERY IS AWESOME
1. With each new day, I look less and less like a sickly little fuzzy rat-person.
2. My butt is coming back! And it’s sexy!
3. There is more hair on my head than on my hairbrush/shower drain.
4. I feel like a part of the world, rather than merely floating above it like a shadow. I feel my feet on the ground and the wind in my hair, and my senses can’t get enough of it.
5. My skin and hands are moist and lovely without gobs of lotion.
6. When I wake up, my first thoughts aren’t about food!
7. As a feminist, I no longer feel guilty about buying into cultural pressure that tells me that my worth is dependent on my size.
8. I get to eat whatever the hell I want (well, within reason…)!
9. Ordering off of a menu is super exciting rather than super anxiety-inducing.
10. My body temperature is HIGHER than normal due to the return of a functioning metabolism. No more shivering and excessive layering!
11. I get to share meaningful moments with people I care about, whether at dinner, out shopping, or whenever, without food issues getting in the way.
12. Energy! Without 50 oz. of caffeine!
13. In my experience, it seems that body weight and sense of humor are positively correlated. Someone should really conduct a study on that… Think about it.
14. Improved hormone function => Puberty (Round Two ) => Giddy as a schoolgirl with the dirty mind of a teenage boy. And yes, that’s a good thing.
15. My brain can CONCENTRATE and ANALYZE and CREATE again. Feeling smart and being productive is a major self-esteem boost!
16. Saying YES to food is like saying YES to all that is delicious in life.
17. Being a “food saint” (ie., eating a diet composed of ONLY “healthy” or lower-calorie foods) is fucking boring and depressing. No one wants to hang out with a saint.
18. I actually get my ass out of the house and party, and feel like hot shit while doing it. “Another drink? Oh, why not…as long as you’re buying!”
19. I fit into the clothing sizes sold at most major retailers, and it flatters rather than hangs off of my body.
20. I’ve learned that life isn’t black and white, good or bad, wonderful or terrible, and that living in gray areas is normal, healthy, and even—dare I say it?—rather thrilling.

What's on your list? Please share in the comments!

I've never really read a weight-loss book, but I gather that the last chapter is all rah-rah, enjoy your new fantastic and skinny self, and your smaller ass will magically solve all of your life's problems.


The webcomic Toothpaste for Dinner has a great version of how a diet book really should end:

Thanks to the anonymous person who reminded me about this fab website.

Well, my relationship with lunch is still a little more conflicted than the title of this video, but it made me smile:

...for dieting, that is.

Most of us learned about the four seasons when we were younger, about spring, summer, autumn, and winter. Considering I grew up in Michigan, there were really two seasons: winter and three months of bad sledding. Now that I'm an adult, and living south of the Mason-Dixon line, there are many more seasons than I experienced as a kid in Michigan. To everything, there is a season, and to every season, there is a reason to diet.

Winter: It's your New Year's Resolution to have a Totally New You by developing those Buns of Steel. (I'd settle for buns of cinnamon, but then, that's me.)

Spring: It's going to be Bathing Suit Season soon, and you had better fit in that Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini you wore when you were three. So it looks like a thong. So what. I hear they're popular these days!

Summer: It's Bathing Suit Season and EVERYONE IS GOING TO SEE YOUR FAT ASS IN THAT BATHING SUIT SO YOU BETTER STOP EATING, YOU FAT PIG.

Autumn: Do NOT gain weight over the holidays, and here's how (you can start by not celebrating the holidays at all).

Ta-da! The year in dieting. Winter season is the worst, and right now about all I seem to hear commercials for are end-of-the-year car sales, cigarette cessation aids, and diet products. It makes me almost pity the poor guy who's trying to hawk replacement windows so that people can get their tax credit.

Almost.

Jeopardy!, the game show for grandmas and geeks like me, Jeopardy! for crap's sake, is now sponsored in part by a colon cleanser (aka, an overpriced laxative that just really dehydrates you and then you take a drink of water and bloat from here to Timbuktu. Trust me, kids, don't try this at home).

The Diet Survivor's Group blog has a list of alternate dieting headlines for magazines to use. Start with these examples and then you might just have a fun game to play in the checkout aisle at the grocery store.

Self Magazine:
The Food Lover's Diet - 31 Tiny Tricks That Peel Off Major Pounds
My Edit:
The Food Lover's Diet - Eat What You Love and Savor Every Bite

Allure:
The Easiest Diet Ever: Drop 600 Calories A Day Without Feeling Hungry
My Edit:
The Easiest Diet Ever: Eat When You Are Hungry And You'll Never Feel Hungry (duh!)

Shape:
How We Lost 477 Pounds Together: 6 Women Share The Diet Secrets That Worked For Them
My Edit:
How We Raised Our Consciousness Together : 6 Women Share Their Wisdom And Empower Each Other

Fitness:
Your Best Body Ever
My Edit:
Your Body Is The Best Body Ever

O Magazine:
How To Get What You Really Want This Year: Weight Loss That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secrets For Keeping The Pounds Off
My Edit:
Keep Working Toward Getting What You Really Want This Year: Body Satisfaction That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secret Is That There Is No Secret For Keeping The Pounds Off.

Seventeen
Total Body Confidence - Great Abs, Butt & Legs By New Year's
My Edit: (I got kind of hopeful with the first part...)
Total Body Confidence - Enjoy Your Body In Its Fullness All Year Long

Us:
The Biggest Loser - How I Did It!
My Edit:
The Biggest Winner - How I Did It! Tips To Love, Respect, And Honor Yourself
Woman's World:Break Through Ohio State University BELLY FAT CURE! Discovery - Two Spoonfuls Of This Oil Will Block Fat Storage! Melt 5" Of Belly Fat - No Diet Required!
My Edit:
Woman's World Announces Bankruptcy As Readers Boycott Magazine Due To Outrageous Claims!
I guess this game beats hibernating...

I know I've been away from this blog for quite a few days, what with the move and all. For starters, I can let you know that everyone--including the cat!--arrived safely. But for the rest of the story? Well, gather 'round your computer screens, my little ducklings, and let Auntie Carrie tell you all a long tale, titled:

"And the Lifetime TV crew will be arriving when?"

Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived with her parents and the most adorable kitty cat in the whole world. They lived in the northern reaches of a place called Michigan, which was very very cold, and they decided to move south to Virginia, where it was warmer. So they got lots and lots of boxes and packed all of the things they had acquired while living in the frigid north. The dad of the girl also called the electric company to have the power shut off after the family moved out.

The day came to load the moving truck and the family and the movers worked like little elves. The family hadn't slept much in the past week because they had so much stuff to put in boxes. But, bit by bit, the boxes got loaded on the truck. Until the big bad guy from the electric company came to shut off the power. Apparently, the dad of the girl gave the electric company the wrong date to shut off the power and told the big bad guy from the electric company to come back the next day. But the big, bad guy from the electric company had his work order and had to shut off the power despite the fact that people were still living in the house and the moving truck was still in the driveway and the family was working like little elves. So the family got to work like little elves in the dark for a while until everything got straightened out.

The family spent their last night in frosty Michigan at their neighbors' house, and left the following morning. The girl's most gorgeous kitty cat was in her traveling tent in the backseat and proceeded to make her dismay at being held captive known to the girl for the next eight hours. Nonstop. The family purchased dry ice about 45 minutes south of their old house to put in four coolers to preserve the frozen meat the mom of the girl had carefully accumulated over the past several years. However, the dad of the girl only bought three blocks of dry ice and forgot about the fourth cooler. This wasn't a total disaster because soon it began snowing, and the family was reminded of why they were leaving the cold for the (relative) warmth of a place called Virginia.

The snow and sleet began to fall harder and harder as the family made their way along the Ohio Turnpike and then the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Soon, the girl could barely see her mom in the car in front of her or her dad in the car behind her. They didn't drive faster than 35 miles per hour for quite a long time. The girl's windshield began to freeze up, too. After several hours of trying to travel through snow and ice, the family arrived at their hotel for the night. Except the girl's dad didn't write down the address of the hotel, so the family had a very difficult time finding where they were going to stay. There was now several inches of snow on the ground, and none of the streets had been plowed. The only way the girl could get up a hill was to drop into first gear and slam the accelerator to the ground. The dad finally found the hotel and pulled into the unplowed driveway, only to get his car stuck in the deep snow. The girl tried to get up the driveway, too, and also got stuck. The mom said "Um, I don't think so" and parked in the street. The cat continued her vociferous complaining as the dad went to go check in.

After 15 minutes, the dad comes back out to the girl's car and says "Try to back up and park in the garage under the hotel." So the girl and the mom and eventually the dad park their cars in the sheletered lot and start unloading the suitcases. Then, the dad said, "Oh, we'll have to take the stairs because the power is out and they're running on a generator. The heat and the elevator aren't working, but the guy at the desk said they should be on in one hour."

The name of this hotel (which would have worked for a modern-day Nativity scene) was "America's Best Value Inn!" and the girl's dad managed to get a room for $49.99. He had a reservation at the Holiday Inn down the road, but that was $79, and he decided that he should save thirty bucks and stay at a less expensive hotel. The Holiday Inn had power, which meant they had heat and an elevator. Just sayin'.

Several hours passed, and the $49.99 room at America's Best Value Inn! still had no heat, and no hot water. So the girl and her mom put on their sweatsuits and crawled under the covers to try and warm up, but not before they encouraged the cat to pee on the dad's pillow to let their dismay be known. The cat did not comply so the girl and the mom contemplated peeing on the dad's pillow themselves to let their dismay known, but by then, the dad had fallen into a deep slumber, so the girl and the mom decided that they would just make sure that the dad knew never to be so cheap again. They were lulled to sleep by the percussion of sleet against their hotel window.

At about 5:30 am, the America's Best Value Inn! got the electricity fixed, and the room began to warm up. By 6am, the room's heat approached tropical levels, and the girl tried to fix the heater while half asleep. The kitty cat wandered around the room all night, meowing and crying. This made the girl have a dream that, for the girl's Christmas present, the mom took the kitty cat to an IVF clinic to have her impregnated with a baby bird egg. The cat then hatched the baby bird under the Christmas tree. Happy holidays, girl and family!

By the time morning arrived, the family went down to the "free deluxe continental breakfast" offered by America's Best Value Inn! which consisted of stale bagels and a toaster. America's Best Value Inn! had run out of coffee, much to the dismay of the girl who said she would go to the Starbucks across the street on the way out. The girl and the girl's mom and the girl's dad took their suitcases down to the garage under the hotel and found out they had been snowed in! The girl's dad walked up to the front desk and asked the guy if the snow plow would be coming soon. The guy told the girl's dad that the snow plow was too busy plowing the interstate, and the snow should be melting soon. He offered the girl's dad a shovel and told the dad that he could dig his cars out if he would like. So the girl's dad took the shovel and dug out the three cars. The girl was laughing too hard to help, and besides, there was only one shovel.

At 11:30am, the girl finally got her venti Americano with an extra shot, and the girl and the mom and the dad finally left America's Best Value Inn! and continued on to Virginia.

They arrived at their pretty new house with no other commotion.

The girl is now at work on a screenplay about her experiences moving from frigid Michigan to warmer Virginia, and will start her writing as soon as she can dig her way out from all the cardboard boxes.

The End!

Remember that no matter how your holiday turns out, at least you're not Big Bird.

I was listening to the radio in the car today, something I usually don't do. For one, I haven't yet found a station that plays the songs I like (seeing as it would have a listenership of, like, me, I'm not exactly surprised), and two, I hate the ads. I have developed quite a music collection over the years and spent hours downloading my CDs to my iPod. Today, however, I was in my mom's car and lacked the high-tech paraphernalia I usually use. So radio it was.

This experience- about 30 minutes of radio in total- just confirmed my distaste for radio in general and ads in particular. Not just any ads, you see, but food ads. Specifically ads for foods that are considered the stereotypical female diet foods. Foods like yogurt.

This particular ad was for Kroger's lowfat yogurt, yogurt that was not just advertised as "lowfat." No, this yogurt was called "Kroger's Guilt No! Delicious Yes! Lowfat Yogurt." Which would have been bad enough, but, of course, it wasn't. I didn't get to write down the entire copy, but I did scribble down the line that absolutely had my jaw on the floor:

If you don't know that delicious comes with a serving of guilt, you're not a woman with a waistline!

Holy leaping stereotypes, Batman! I tried to analyze how many stereotypes were in that one little tag line, but I lost count. Just totally lost count.

I didn't know that one little ad--one thirty second slot of time--could so smashingly capture everything that is wrong with how food is advertised and conceived of in this country. Clearly, I was wrong.

Instead, I will leave you with my absolute favorite video segment on women and yogurt by Sarah Haskins. You will never (and I do mean never) think of yogurt the same way again.

Funny and informative. Due yourself (and your mind!) a favor and watch this.

Once again, the Onion nails it. This time, it was the piece titled "Study: Abstinence-Only Lunch Programs Ineffective At Combating Teen Obesity," which managed to poke fun not only at many of the anti-obesity initiatives, but also at abstinence-only sex ed. And it really drove home the point that food is the new chastity belt.

Some highlights from the article:

"There's no evidence to suggest that instructing teens not to chew, swallow, or even think about food is actually going to stop them from eating," Sebelius told reporters. "Let's face it: Kids are already eating. And not only during lunchtime. They're eating after school, at the mall, in their parents' basements. Pretending like it's not happening isn't going to make it go away."

"After all, they're teenagers," Sebelius continued. "Eating is practically the only thing on their minds."

Perhaps more troubling, students who completed the abstinence-only program were reportedly unable to answer the simplest questions about their own digestive systems, and some as old as 17 still believed they could catch high blood pressure from their very first Snickers bar.

"Kids need to know the truth about food," said Sue Weber, a nutritionist. "It's irresponsible for these schools to fill their students with misinformation about the devil working through trans fats, instead of just saying to them, 'Look, I know eating that entire box of Cheez-Its might feel good now, but when you're older, you're going to wish you had gone for the salad.'"

[snip]

"I'm never ever going to eat, because eating is wrong, and I'm worth more than a chicken sandwich with asparagus and rice pilaf," Woodbridge seventh-grader Tracey Holmes said. "I heard Jennifer Hines eats all the time, like 50 times a day. I heard she eats all her ice cream upside-down, though, so she doesn't get fat. That's how it works."

Food and fat have almost replaced sex in our cultural repertoire of Things That Make Women Bad, so the comparison to abstinence-only sex ed is more than spot-on. Thankfully, I'm no longer a teenager (and I have less than one year left in my 20s), so I can't tell you from experience whether this is true or not, but when I was in high school, the big freak-outs were over STDs and teen pregnancy. Certainly things like "healthy eating" were mentioned and discussed, but there were also cupcakes for birthdays and Coke in the vending machines.

Now it seems the obesity epidemic has almost overshadowed all those worries. Maybe in another ten years, we'll find something else to freak out about. In the meantime, read the article and enjoy.

(Image courtesy The Onion)

I hope all critters, fuzzy or not, have moms like this. I did!

I think this pill will take care of all of my worries...don't you?

Some time in the future, I will be able to say this:

Eating can be a pain- I know this very well. There's the I'm-writing-and-in-the-groove-and-don't-want-to-stop part that I think most writers know well. Then there's the I-have-an-ED-and-eating-SUCKS part that I think most people with eating disorders know well.

Thankfully, Tylenol has a cure for this.


That's right- who needs food when there's Tylenol? Because eating regular meals is, I dunno, so last year. If white is the new black, then is Tylenol the new food? I just need to ask my dietitian whether Tylenol is a grain or a vegetable...

Thanks (I think) to AS for posting this on Facebook.

My parents and I had to go out of town briefly, so I dropped Aria off at the vet's to board and have her surgery. As standoffish as she is, she also needs company. Even with a cat-sitter checking in on her once a day, she wound up meowing herself half hoarse while I was away for a long weekend for work.

But when Aria gets upset, Aria stops eating. She has green eyes like me, and her fur is remarkably similar in color to my hair. I know what I want (usually), and she always does. So there are many, many similarities between us, although this is a cat without self-esteem and body image issues. I know she's not trying to catch her reflection in the glass to see if her collar makes her butt look fat. I know she doesn't have an eating disorder.

That being said, she also nibbles at my mom's fake grass (it's "well mowed") and has decapitated her plastic daisies. One of her favorite things to lick is her butt, and she also snacks on various bugs and the cottonwood tree blossoms so prevalent in June near my house (we call 'em "fuzzies"). My therapist joked that the Fluffer Nutter might very well have pica. I don't know that Aria will cooperate with therapy, but then she doesn't really cooperate with much.

I know, however, that she will never struggle with exercise addiction like her mommy! Why? These two photos from I Can Has Cheezburger could have been written by her!







Yep- I think she'll turn out just fine. Keep your fingers crossed- she has her dental surgery tomorrow!

The media isn't helping...

The satire in The Onion always seems to be more truthful than the straightforward newspaper articles. And once again, they nail it, this time with this little gem:

Woman Upset At Herself For Feeling Hungry
MODESTO, CA—Telling friends that she "just ate a huge thing of yogurt four hours ago," local woman Vanessa Stroud chided herself Tuesday for feeling hunger, a natural urge experienced by all living creatures to ensure they consume the sustenance necessary to maintain metabolic processes and other vital biological functions. "God, I have no willpower at all," Stroud said regarding her inability to go without nourishment of any kind until the start of bikini season. "It's just my stupid brain telling me I need to eat when what I really need is another three-day cleanse." Stroud was later seen swatting her own hand as it reached out for a blueberry muffin.

How many of us can relate? It seems obvious that such behaviors are odd and irrational in others, but it's so hard to see it in ourselves.