'Tis the Season

...for dieting, that is.

Most of us learned about the four seasons when we were younger, about spring, summer, autumn, and winter. Considering I grew up in Michigan, there were really two seasons: winter and three months of bad sledding. Now that I'm an adult, and living south of the Mason-Dixon line, there are many more seasons than I experienced as a kid in Michigan. To everything, there is a season, and to every season, there is a reason to diet.

Winter: It's your New Year's Resolution to have a Totally New You by developing those Buns of Steel. (I'd settle for buns of cinnamon, but then, that's me.)

Spring: It's going to be Bathing Suit Season soon, and you had better fit in that Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini you wore when you were three. So it looks like a thong. So what. I hear they're popular these days!

Summer: It's Bathing Suit Season and EVERYONE IS GOING TO SEE YOUR FAT ASS IN THAT BATHING SUIT SO YOU BETTER STOP EATING, YOU FAT PIG.

Autumn: Do NOT gain weight over the holidays, and here's how (you can start by not celebrating the holidays at all).

Ta-da! The year in dieting. Winter season is the worst, and right now about all I seem to hear commercials for are end-of-the-year car sales, cigarette cessation aids, and diet products. It makes me almost pity the poor guy who's trying to hawk replacement windows so that people can get their tax credit.

Almost.

Jeopardy!, the game show for grandmas and geeks like me, Jeopardy! for crap's sake, is now sponsored in part by a colon cleanser (aka, an overpriced laxative that just really dehydrates you and then you take a drink of water and bloat from here to Timbuktu. Trust me, kids, don't try this at home).

The Diet Survivor's Group blog has a list of alternate dieting headlines for magazines to use. Start with these examples and then you might just have a fun game to play in the checkout aisle at the grocery store.

Self Magazine:
The Food Lover's Diet - 31 Tiny Tricks That Peel Off Major Pounds
My Edit:
The Food Lover's Diet - Eat What You Love and Savor Every Bite

Allure:
The Easiest Diet Ever: Drop 600 Calories A Day Without Feeling Hungry
My Edit:
The Easiest Diet Ever: Eat When You Are Hungry And You'll Never Feel Hungry (duh!)

Shape:
How We Lost 477 Pounds Together: 6 Women Share The Diet Secrets That Worked For Them
My Edit:
How We Raised Our Consciousness Together : 6 Women Share Their Wisdom And Empower Each Other

Fitness:
Your Best Body Ever
My Edit:
Your Body Is The Best Body Ever

O Magazine:
How To Get What You Really Want This Year: Weight Loss That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secrets For Keeping The Pounds Off
My Edit:
Keep Working Toward Getting What You Really Want This Year: Body Satisfaction That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secret Is That There Is No Secret For Keeping The Pounds Off.

Seventeen
Total Body Confidence - Great Abs, Butt & Legs By New Year's
My Edit: (I got kind of hopeful with the first part...)
Total Body Confidence - Enjoy Your Body In Its Fullness All Year Long

Us:
The Biggest Loser - How I Did It!
My Edit:
The Biggest Winner - How I Did It! Tips To Love, Respect, And Honor Yourself
Woman's World:Break Through Ohio State University BELLY FAT CURE! Discovery - Two Spoonfuls Of This Oil Will Block Fat Storage! Melt 5" Of Belly Fat - No Diet Required!
My Edit:
Woman's World Announces Bankruptcy As Readers Boycott Magazine Due To Outrageous Claims!

I guess this game beats hibernating...

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13 comments:

Tiptoe said...

Carrie, these were great and so totally right on! Oh, how I love the cynic in you. :-)

Now, just where did you put that stick you use to beat all those dead horses, especially pointed towards the diet industry? LOL

sprinkledwithcinnamon said...

Loved your take on all the headlines!
At least we're clever enough to know that its diet season 365 days a year so that magazines, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and products used to 'enhance' our appearance or 'make us look 10 lbs thinner' can stay in business and continue to take advantage of people's vulnerabilities and mirage that the cure to all their problems is achieving 'their best body.'

balancingontwofeet said...

I can't stop laughing at this post. I love it!

I am printing it out and bringing it to my partial program today. We need some humor!

Enjoy your New Year Carrie!

Adrianna said...

I WILL be making a dieting New Year's Resolution. I resolve to make 2010 another 100%-diet-mentality-free year.

I resolve to wear clothes that I LIKE, regardless of what size they make me appear.

I resolve to call out fat hate when I see it.

I've been good this past year. I don't want to blow it.

Carrie Arnold said...

And since I've posted this, I've gotten well over 30 hits for "Ohio belly fat cure" or some variant thereof.

*headdesk*

Anonymous said...

This is brilliant Carrie! I love your 'edits'.. and could not agree more with the insanity of it all. I often the same thing in my mind as I stand in the grocery store line...keep standing up and speaking out!!

Adrianna said...

Carrie,

I get ads like that too on my Livejournal, and I blog about Deaf Culture.

I guess Deaf people are grossly overweight because they can't hear MeMe Roth screaming at them.

It's official. As an anti-obesity activist, I propose all people pursuing "wellness" degrees take a course in sign language to help the poor Deaf people, espeically those Deaf children.

Anyway, I get those ads on my MySpace, on every Google search engine I have ever run...there is no escape.

My mom, unfortunately, is determined to "get skinny" so she can go to a wedding. God forbid I suggest that she get a dress that fits HER and looks good on her AS SHE IS.

Lead a horse to water, can't make her drink.

She's trying to get me skinny too. Sorry. I comes in large only.:)

From Here to There. In Purple. said...

Ha this was such a brilliant post. thank you for sharing :)

wishing you a very happy safe and healthy new year, lovely lady!

rebecca <3

Eleanor said...

This really struck a chord with me - we're constantly being swamped with pictures of what society deems "beautiful" or "perfect", and that until we look exactly like Jessica Alba/Angelina Jolie/Jeniffer Love Hewit we will never be beautiful.

Thank you, for taking the piss outta these magazines! They do the polar opposite of what they're claiming to do: Promote Body Love and Confidence and Satisfaction.

Who needs to look like them when we have our very own, individual, beautiful bodies?

Thank you, Carrie.


Happy New Year!
(Diet free!)
xo

jenngirl said...

haha great post! i'm going to start playing that game now. I am SO SO SO sick of hearing about "new year" diets, bodies, plans, etc. Why can't January 1st just be a normal day!? Or at most JUST the start of another year?

KristineM said...

YES, Carrie, spread those tips around on how to love, honor and respect yourself! I never read any of those magazines, and somehow I have managed to block even the headlines out of my vision and consciousness while I am in the grocery check-out line. And I am a long-time heavy user of the remote mute-button -- haven't heard a commercial for anything in decades.

And, Adrianna, I am with you on calling out the "fat hate" comments. Happy New Year to you all!

Harriet said...

I love this!

justfortoday said...

I love this! I'm going to give a copy of it to my therapist she will love it! I am going to do my own silent edits whenever I see magazine headlines! I love it, I am going to try it as a tool to switch my dialogue...
I hope you don't mind but you are on my blog roll.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote



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