'Tis the Season

...for dieting, that is.

Most of us learned about the four seasons when we were younger, about spring, summer, autumn, and winter. Considering I grew up in Michigan, there were really two seasons: winter and three months of bad sledding. Now that I'm an adult, and living south of the Mason-Dixon line, there are many more seasons than I experienced as a kid in Michigan. To everything, there is a season, and to every season, there is a reason to diet.

Winter: It's your New Year's Resolution to have a Totally New You by developing those Buns of Steel. (I'd settle for buns of cinnamon, but then, that's me.)

Spring: It's going to be Bathing Suit Season soon, and you had better fit in that Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini you wore when you were three. So it looks like a thong. So what. I hear they're popular these days!


Autumn: Do NOT gain weight over the holidays, and here's how (you can start by not celebrating the holidays at all).

Ta-da! The year in dieting. Winter season is the worst, and right now about all I seem to hear commercials for are end-of-the-year car sales, cigarette cessation aids, and diet products. It makes me almost pity the poor guy who's trying to hawk replacement windows so that people can get their tax credit.


Jeopardy!, the game show for grandmas and geeks like me, Jeopardy! for crap's sake, is now sponsored in part by a colon cleanser (aka, an overpriced laxative that just really dehydrates you and then you take a drink of water and bloat from here to Timbuktu. Trust me, kids, don't try this at home).

The Diet Survivor's Group blog has a list of alternate dieting headlines for magazines to use. Start with these examples and then you might just have a fun game to play in the checkout aisle at the grocery store.

Self Magazine:
The Food Lover's Diet - 31 Tiny Tricks That Peel Off Major Pounds
My Edit:
The Food Lover's Diet - Eat What You Love and Savor Every Bite

The Easiest Diet Ever: Drop 600 Calories A Day Without Feeling Hungry
My Edit:
The Easiest Diet Ever: Eat When You Are Hungry And You'll Never Feel Hungry (duh!)

How We Lost 477 Pounds Together: 6 Women Share The Diet Secrets That Worked For Them
My Edit:
How We Raised Our Consciousness Together : 6 Women Share Their Wisdom And Empower Each Other

Your Best Body Ever
My Edit:
Your Body Is The Best Body Ever

O Magazine:
How To Get What You Really Want This Year: Weight Loss That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secrets For Keeping The Pounds Off
My Edit:
Keep Working Toward Getting What You Really Want This Year: Body Satisfaction That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secret Is That There Is No Secret For Keeping The Pounds Off.

Total Body Confidence - Great Abs, Butt & Legs By New Year's
My Edit: (I got kind of hopeful with the first part...)
Total Body Confidence - Enjoy Your Body In Its Fullness All Year Long

The Biggest Loser - How I Did It!
My Edit:
The Biggest Winner - How I Did It! Tips To Love, Respect, And Honor Yourself
Woman's World:Break Through Ohio State University BELLY FAT CURE! Discovery - Two Spoonfuls Of This Oil Will Block Fat Storage! Melt 5" Of Belly Fat - No Diet Required!
My Edit:
Woman's World Announces Bankruptcy As Readers Boycott Magazine Due To Outrageous Claims!

I guess this game beats hibernating...

{{brought to you from the archives...}}

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Emily said...

Carrie, this made me smile so much. All of the weight loss ads in magazines, tv, and radio have really been bringing me down, so thank you for combating the awful messages that are out there. You are wonderful!

-Emily H.

Kate said...

Sadly, no different in Australia. All the magazines featured the same headlines. All the tv ads are the same: QuickTrim, Fat Blaster, Lite N Easy, etc.

I work with a very overweight young lady and she never asks me how she can lose weight. I am a bdoy builder, but still on the sand kicked in face stage. She is worried I might lead her to some undesirable path where she no longer enjoys life. So, instead, she uses dieting, stomach fillers masquerading as diet jelly fibres, and binge drinking.

I don't get the world, and I no longer wish to. Detracts my from muscle building. People around me who want to know what I know, know where to find me. Looks like I'll die lonely; but better than being sickly thin with frinds.

Jessie said...

I swear, I'm going to use this every time I go shopping. Thank you Carrie!
Sorry for not being on lately. I've been busy with school. (Just got back after Christmas break! I am now officially in school full time again!!)
I hate this time of year. The only thing I noticed while watching the countdown on New Year's Eve was that every second commercial was a Weight Watchers trying to make us feel guilty. I spent the evening making fun of all those commercials with my parents. :)

Angela E. Gambrel said...

I love this! I am still laughing...and it is so true what you wrote, both about Michigan and the year in dieting. Hope you are well!

Karen Barber said...

New bad 4 letter word - take it out of the dictionary - DIET

Good 4 letter word - FOOD

Can't believe you came up with all that media stuff. Can you organize us so we can boycott these products, make a big statement?

Thank you for all your hard word Carrie!! You are GRANDE!

Karen Barber, Mother, Writer, Eating Disorder Actionist
Blog: http://AnorexiaTreatmentExposed.com

Karen Barber said...

Also, can we do a campaign to jail the person who came up with the word Belly-FAT?

nicoleandgwendolyn.com said...

hi! i found your blog via dandelion girl's mention of your "seeking help doesn't mean relapse" story. i agree, wholeheartedly, with that philosophy!

and oh my goodness, i think this dieting season post is extremely brilliant! i'm sharing it with my facebook connections (www.facebook.com/exbulimic) right this very moment hoping that my british friends will be awakening to a laugh! :)

looking forward to reading more of your blog. x

HikerRD said...

I've been thinking it would be great to have a site where readers could send their triggering finds--ads on TV, internet, talk shows, radio, magazines--along with their own rewrite, as you did. I didn't know how best to do this logistically, but how empowering it would be to alter messages and post and read them! Thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Seriously, does anyone over the age of 18 still read those crap magazines? Don't we have better things to spend our time on?

Anonymous said...

SOPA/PIPA is up again for review in Congress and by the President, bills if signed into law could result in internet censorship and site shutdowns. Wikipedia is one of several sites participating in a blackout on 1/18 to protest SOPA. Take time to familiarize yourself with these proposed bills and call your state representative to say no to SOPA.

Keep the Internet neutral, accessible, and free.

Dr. K said...

Hey :)
Fantastic post, it's absolutely maddening to stroll through a store and end up face-to-face with all the horrendously photoshopped magazines proclaiming to have "the answer". It makes me ill to see the same thing on every magazine, with the same skeletal model who's been airbrushed beyond fiction, with the same headline each and every time. This obsession with looks is SO unhealthy! When was the last time we saw a magazine cover suggesting it's truly what's on the inside that counts, that how we treat others is the only way we should judge and be judged?! Can't put a pricetag on that though can you, so until it doesn't sell magazines, we're stuck in this God-awful never-ending cycle. Any idea on what it will take for this to change?? I dread having to bring a little girl up in this day and age....

Thanks for writing that up, great work as always :)

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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