I don't know how many of you are aware of my predilection for yarn, but crochet and reading are my two favorite hobbies. It's where most of my spending money is, well, spent.
I learned how to crochet when I was in treatment from a friend. My aunt had taught me the basics of knitting when I was 13 (I was in choir, and we got "picked" to be chorus members in the school musical production of A Tale of Two Cities. I was a French peasant who walked around knitting...with bright orange acrylic yarn, which I'm sure set the scene nicely), and I made the cliched scarf or four while I was in treatment. But I couldn't really get beyond the basic knit stitch.

Along comes my friend who teaches me to crochet, and it's something I really got the hang of pretty quickly. I didn't really look back after that. I even teach crochet on occasion.

A few of the things I've made recently:

Aria says "This is my blanky..."

In which the cat discovers my yarn stash

Leaf scarf

Crocodile stitch scarf

Chain link placemats

I could wax poetic on what crochet means to me, but I won't. I love the creativity bit, I love being able to transform a ball of yarn into a scarf or cardigan or blanket. I also love how relaxing it is for me. My fingers and hands are kind of hypnotized by the repetitive wrapping of yarn around hook. It's soothing.

On her PsychCentral post about the Zen of Knitting, Sandy Naiman writes:

It focuses me. My mind is often all over the stratosphere. My psychologist wanted me to learn to be more mindful, but I confess, I’m not into examining raisins. However, the gentle rhythm of knitting is perfect for me. The Zen of it works wonders for me.

The yarn tethers my wandering brain to the real world. It brings me back to reality. It slows my pounding heart and the silent whirl of racing thoughts.

This Wednesday, I had a chance to practice being spontaneous. A friend from my now twice-weekly knit/crochet group texted me saying "Feeling knitty? Wanna meet at XX Deli for dinner and yarn?"

Wednesday is, of course, my Zumba class. I had been planning to go and shake my thang. But this girl had come to our newest group up near my place the night before, so I thought I should probably return the favor and drive down to hear get-together. So I rode my bike instead of shaking my bootie, and went to the deli.

It was really fun, but let me tell you, it stressed me out to no end. I had to navigate changes to my eating and my exercise routines (oh, the horrors!) on the same day with basically no warning.

I got to the deli--I had never heard of the place before, but apparently it's some sort of a chain--and had another freakout. The menu was huge. I had no idea what to pick. To make things even more interesting, they had a "Light 'N Healthy!" menu. Not ordering the so-called "healthy" or low-cal, low-fat items still stirs tremendous guilt and anxiety. I mean, what are the people behind the counter going to think of me when I order something from a different section?!? If one section of the menu is "healthy," then the other is (presumably) not healthy. Or less healthful. Or whatever.

I was anxious to begin with, and then I had to figure out what to order and all of a sudden, I found myself at the front of the line. So I ordered off the "Light 'N Healthy!" menu. I was literally like a deer in the headlights. I froze. The one little section of the menu at least narrowed down my choices to something manageable. By the time I got the sandwich, the side, and the free frozen yogurt (free froyo? Why yes, I think I will), it was probably equivalent to a "normal" dinner. The sandwich was pretty good, all things considered.

I have mixed feelings about how the evening went. On the whole, it was probably positive. I did something spontaneous. And social. I switched things up. The anxiety, however, was a pretty big sticking point. I know I shouldn't have ordered off the diet menu. That the decision (to go to the event, or what to order off the menu) shouldn't have sent me into panic mode.

I hate that things like this are still so stinking hard. I'm doing better, so much better, in a lot of ways. But having to make snap decisions and do things outside the norm still cause ridiculous amounts of anxiety.