This Wednesday, I had a chance to practice being spontaneous. A friend from my now twice-weekly knit/crochet group texted me saying "Feeling knitty? Wanna meet at XX Deli for dinner and yarn?"

Wednesday is, of course, my Zumba class. I had been planning to go and shake my thang. But this girl had come to our newest group up near my place the night before, so I thought I should probably return the favor and drive down to hear get-together. So I rode my bike instead of shaking my bootie, and went to the deli.

It was really fun, but let me tell you, it stressed me out to no end. I had to navigate changes to my eating and my exercise routines (oh, the horrors!) on the same day with basically no warning.

I got to the deli--I had never heard of the place before, but apparently it's some sort of a chain--and had another freakout. The menu was huge. I had no idea what to pick. To make things even more interesting, they had a "Light 'N Healthy!" menu. Not ordering the so-called "healthy" or low-cal, low-fat items still stirs tremendous guilt and anxiety. I mean, what are the people behind the counter going to think of me when I order something from a different section?!? If one section of the menu is "healthy," then the other is (presumably) not healthy. Or less healthful. Or whatever.

I was anxious to begin with, and then I had to figure out what to order and all of a sudden, I found myself at the front of the line. So I ordered off the "Light 'N Healthy!" menu. I was literally like a deer in the headlights. I froze. The one little section of the menu at least narrowed down my choices to something manageable. By the time I got the sandwich, the side, and the free frozen yogurt (free froyo? Why yes, I think I will), it was probably equivalent to a "normal" dinner. The sandwich was pretty good, all things considered.

I have mixed feelings about how the evening went. On the whole, it was probably positive. I did something spontaneous. And social. I switched things up. The anxiety, however, was a pretty big sticking point. I know I shouldn't have ordered off the diet menu. That the decision (to go to the event, or what to order off the menu) shouldn't have sent me into panic mode.

I hate that things like this are still so stinking hard. I'm doing better, so much better, in a lot of ways. But having to make snap decisions and do things outside the norm still cause ridiculous amounts of anxiety.

I've mentioned before how much I love to crochet.  Yarn is some of my most serious therapy.  The rhythm of the work, and the joy of making something with my hands is just incredibly soothing.  I try to do it every day, although I'm not always successful.

I realized earlier today that I've never shared pictures of some of my projects.  My most recent one is an afghan for my parents for Mother's and Father's Days.  I started it in early March, although I worked on several other projects in the meantime.  I'm now almost finished--I just have to finish the trim around the edge and then I'm finally (!) done.

I first learned how to crochet when I was in residential treatment.  We were stuck inside one day, and I was bored out of my mind.  I knew the basics of knitting, but nothing of crochet.  So my friend E taught me the basics.  I could never master anything more than the basic knit stitch, no matter how hard I tried. Nor was manipulating two needles that easy for me.  But I took off with crochet.  It's just wrapping yarn around a stick.  All you have to do to make the different stitches is wrap the yarn a different number of times.  I'm not practically giving myself stigmata with knitting needles, either.

It's become a huge part of my recovery.  When I get stressed or upset after eating (which has been known to happen a time or two...) I just pick up my yarn.  It takes enough of my concentration to tone down the obsessions, but it doesn't take so much concentration that I can be too upset to work.

How about you? Have you found crafting or creative projects an important part of your recovery? Share your thoughts in the comments!

My best friend L is visiting me for the weekend.  She's never seen my new place and she needed a weekend away, so I invited her down.  We've had a nice time thus far--she got to meet J, and we went out for dinner at a local Indian restaurant.  She'll be here through tomorrow.

It's been really nice to get to spend time with her, and just relax and talk.  But having anyone come to visit, especially when coming off of more ED struggles, is tough.  It's not just the food thing as it is having to share my space with someone and having my usual routines disrupted.  I love having L here, so that's not the issue.  But all of a sudden, there's someone else in my space, and I have all of these little quirky habits that don't always mesh well with visitors.

My learning flexibility is a good thing. Yet it's still hard for me to adjust to new things.  {{Wait, someone with anorexia having trouble with change? That doesn't sound right...}}

I'm mostly used to doing my own thing on my own time. To being in charge of the TV remote.  It's not the easiest thing to adjust.  At the same time, it's something I know I need to do.  I get way too easily attached to my routines and rituals.  It's part of my personality.  That chair I sit in on the first day of class? That's the same chair I'll use for the rest of the year.  Most of the time, these habits are pretty harmless.  After all, exactly where I sit in class probably didn't have that much of an effect on my learning.  But the problem is that I get almost unspeakably anxious when I have to sit in a different chair.

Granted, I have plenty of habits, rituals, and compulsions that are harmful in and of themselves (hand-washing, cleaning, that whole eating disorder thing).  For the majority of my habits, though, it's the thought of changing them that causes all hell to break loose.  It's that I find them too meaningful and perhaps too helpful.  So when things get changed, I tend to find it difficult.

I'm actually doing okay food-wise today.  I've been eating what I need to, if not always at the exact right time.  That structure is probably what is saving me right now.  That and friends and good times and yarn.

When I first saw this article, I laughed a little bit:

Managing anxiety in eating disorders with knitting

It struck me as a bit odd at first, a little off the wall. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this idea kind of made sense.

The researchers provided a group of women who were hospitalized for an eating disorder, taught them how to knit, and provided them with supplies. The study found that

Patients reported a subjective reduction in anxious preoccupation when knitting. In particular, 28/38 (74%) reported it lessened the intensity of their fears and thoughts and cleared their minds of eating disorder preoccupations, 28/38 (74%) reported it had a calming and therapeutic effect and 20/38 (53%) reported it provided satisfaction, pride and a sense of accomplishment.

And I thought: how lovely. How simple, in fact. I myself learned how to crochet during treatment, and many of my friends also learned how to knit/crochet. I could never get the hang of knitting--my hand-eye coordination is terrible, and I could never get both needles going at the same time--but I did greatly enjoy crocheting. This then lead to my jewelry-making, and so on.

What's more, I loved the goals of the study. They weren't to reduce ED symptoms. I am not worried about any press releases or newspaper articles touting "Knitting cures eating disorders!" It was just the simple idea that knitting might help ED patients deal with anxiety better. I wish other sorts of alternative therapies, whether its yoga or the Magic Ponies that so many centers are so fond of (and love to charge you heaps of money to ride), would be predicated on this aspect: they may help relieve anxiety. I don't see them as an ED treatment per se, but they might help with some of the distressing emotions that go along with eating and gaining weight.

Do you knit/crochet? Did you learn in treatment? Was it helpful? What other similar mindful/creative activities have you found helpful?

I don't know any good knitting books, but if you're interested in learning how to crochet, my favorite book is The Happy Hooker. The same woman also published a knitting book called Stitch n Bitch.