This Wednesday, I had a chance to practice being spontaneous. A friend from my now twice-weekly knit/crochet group texted me saying "Feeling knitty? Wanna meet at XX Deli for dinner and yarn?"

Wednesday is, of course, my Zumba class. I had been planning to go and shake my thang. But this girl had come to our newest group up near my place the night before, so I thought I should probably return the favor and drive down to hear get-together. So I rode my bike instead of shaking my bootie, and went to the deli.

It was really fun, but let me tell you, it stressed me out to no end. I had to navigate changes to my eating and my exercise routines (oh, the horrors!) on the same day with basically no warning.

I got to the deli--I had never heard of the place before, but apparently it's some sort of a chain--and had another freakout. The menu was huge. I had no idea what to pick. To make things even more interesting, they had a "Light 'N Healthy!" menu. Not ordering the so-called "healthy" or low-cal, low-fat items still stirs tremendous guilt and anxiety. I mean, what are the people behind the counter going to think of me when I order something from a different section?!? If one section of the menu is "healthy," then the other is (presumably) not healthy. Or less healthful. Or whatever.

I was anxious to begin with, and then I had to figure out what to order and all of a sudden, I found myself at the front of the line. So I ordered off the "Light 'N Healthy!" menu. I was literally like a deer in the headlights. I froze. The one little section of the menu at least narrowed down my choices to something manageable. By the time I got the sandwich, the side, and the free frozen yogurt (free froyo? Why yes, I think I will), it was probably equivalent to a "normal" dinner. The sandwich was pretty good, all things considered.

I have mixed feelings about how the evening went. On the whole, it was probably positive. I did something spontaneous. And social. I switched things up. The anxiety, however, was a pretty big sticking point. I know I shouldn't have ordered off the diet menu. That the decision (to go to the event, or what to order off the menu) shouldn't have sent me into panic mode.

I hate that things like this are still so stinking hard. I'm doing better, so much better, in a lot of ways. But having to make snap decisions and do things outside the norm still cause ridiculous amounts of anxiety.

I am once again on the road for my freelance job (meeting to go to this morning- I left my place last night, spent the night in a nice hotel with crap Internet access), which means facing the task of eating on the road. I knew that I would need to eat dinner at about the halfway point of my 4.5 hour drive, seeing as I left at 5pm. I had found a craft store to pick up some yarn at the halfway point (I feel ridiculously oblique writing this, but I'm really paranoid about privacy since I use my real name), seeing as the store by me was all out of the one color that I needed, so I figured I would eat after I got my yarn.

Which I did.

I was going to go to Panera, since it's a pretty "safe" choice AND one where I know I could meet my meal plan requirements without flipping out. But en route from the craft store to Panera, I saw the sign that Moe's Southwestern Grille had recently opened. We have a Moe's by me, and it's a favorite of mine and my parents.

I have my "usual" that I get when I go. It started as a way to use a coupon or some other deal, and I really liked it, so I kept ordering it.  It's pretty much my default when I go. I don't go to Panera that much, so I didn't have a default decision.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that one of the reasons I really wanted to go to Moe's was because there was a default. I didn't have to decide and calculate calories and things like that. I could just order and pretend I was sort of human instead of agonizing over the menu for half an hour and then spend the next little bit filled with gut-gnawing doubt that I had ordered the "right" thing.

It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have an eating disorder, exactly how hard restaurants and ordering can be. I don't really have food fears anymore. I'm a little wary at the idea that I don't always know exactly what's in my food, but generally I'm over that. I can deal with it just fine, even if it isn't my favorite idea. For me, the anxiety is over having to decide what to eat from a vast array of options. I find it totally overwhelming.

So that's why I wanted to head to Moe's with my "usual."

Don't get me wrong- I loved my dinner and am glad I ate there over Panera, all other things being equal. But it made my life so much easier to just order without looking at the menu and second-guessing myself. I am that much of a creature of habit. I didn't even think to order anything else. And it was nice to be on my own and eat a complete restaurant meal by myself and not have a total breakdown.

Maybe that's part of the function of "safe foods." It's not just that they're generally lower calorie or whatever, it's also that they help limit our choices when things get overwhelming. Options are a good thing--really, they are--and I'm definitely glad that I've tackled my fear foods. But it also helps for me to have something to order when I can't make up my mind, too. That I can default to XYZ and meet my nutritional needs and also find a pressure release valve for my anxiety.

Does that make any sense? Do any of you do this, too? Please share in the comments, but also try to be mindful not to be too specific about foods and calories lest things get competitive or triggering. I want my blog to be a safe place!

When I was driving home yesterday after one of the most non-ED-related mentally grueling days I've had in a long time, I had to stop for dinner. I was tired. And cranky. And had spent Lord only knows how many hours sitting in traffic the last few days, and I was cruising along well down a major interstate. I was petrified that I was going to hit (yet another) traffic snarl.

Yet the fact remained: it was dinnertime.

So I did something unusual. I pulled over at the next exit to the Chick-fil-A* and went through the drive thru. I realized, as I placed my order, that I was 31 and had just ordered my first drive thru meal. I've ordered beverages at a drive thru plenty of times, but never an actual meal. I've ordered fast food in the actual restaurant as well, also on my own, but again, not the drive thru.

Let me give this a bit of context. Drive thrus were illegal in my hometown because they were deemed a safety issue (eating and driving). They have a point there- I feel horribly guilty for eating and driving yesterday, but it really couldn't be avoided. I really don't like ordering stuff out (it has nothing to do with food and everything to do with my fears of talking to strangers. Apparently, you can be 31, have never eaten from a drive thru and also have an overblown case of stranger danger. Sigh), and since I've been on my own, I've pretty much had an eating disorder. Diet Coke, fine. Actual food, not so much.

But I guess all of that changed yesterday. I got crumbs on my lap and grease on my fingers and I survived. I didn't like it, and I survived. I much prefer eating dinner when I'm not behind the wheel, but I also think the dangers of not eating outweighed the dangers of eating and driving.

So that concludes the tale of Carrie and her First Drive Thru.

Random story postscript: Doing this blog post reminded me of my undergraduate advisor and a story she told me when we were at a conference. She was originally from Taiwan, and when she first moved to the US to start her PhD, her English was pretty limited. She said that for the first week or two she lived in America, she ate dinner at McDonald's every night because you can order by number and she knew she could count to ten. Now, whenever I have to order a menu item by number, I think of her. She was a really neat person.

*As a family, we rarely ate fast food and still really don't. I generally don't like a lot of fast food places, but I do enjoy me some Chick-fil-A. My RD made me to food exposures at all the major fast food chains so I know I can eat there, but still.