This morning's breakfast was cereal. I like it on several levels--for starters, I like cereal, and I like all of the crazy concoctions I can make in my bowl. Also, it's easy and quick to prepare.

This past September, I upgraded my Blackberry to an Android. I love my new phone. The one problem I have is that the battery loses juice really quickly. I Googled the problem, and I found some apps that can shut down the other apps not in use that are slowing down the processor and sucking the battery dry.

{{In fact, my phone just eeped at me that it needs to be plugged in.}}

I was aware, of course, that apps run even when you're not actually using them, but I didn't know how much power they sucked up. On days when I'm not using my phone a lot--it's rare, but it happens!--the apps running in the background don't really pose much of a problem. I just plug in my phone before I go to bed like usual and all is well. Most days, however, I use my phone for pretty much everything, especially since I found a free Sudoku app, which keeps me entertained on my nightly Adventures in Insomnia.

I've been pretty busy with things lately, mostly work and writing stuff. I'm chugging along on my book, I've been freelancing, I've been crocheting, doing the recovery stuff. If I were my phone, I would be in a period of almost constant usage. It makes the ED stuff painfully obvious because there's not much energy leftover.

The danger zone for me is when I'm bored or work is slower. It's when the ED stuff isn't as obvious. The background apps suck the same amount of energy regardless, but it's harder to recognize all the time and energy it's using. The same for the eating disorder. Thoughts and behaviors suck up the same amount of effort whether I'm busy or not. I'm better able to recognize and fight them when I know there's lots of stuff on the line because I know I don't have that extra energy to spare.

Too much spare time isn't my friend. My brain is always working, always thinking. If I'm not thinking about nerdy stuff or yarn stuff or other stuff, then my brain will find other things to think about. Things like food, weight, calories, and exercise. It's hard to balance, since being too busy ratchets up the stress level to the point where I find myself reaching for the volume knob that is the eating disorder to turn down some of the stress.

Like so many things in recovery, it's a balancing act.  But this knowledge is helpful--I know that letting myself get too bored is just as bad as getting too busy. For now, being busy is good for my recovery. Not to distract me from anxiety, depression, and all of that other crap, but to make it painfully obvious just how much the ED takes out of me.

I finally feel I have a moment to breathe.  I've been so busy the past few weeks that I really haven't gotten to just sit back and take a breath.  The upside is that I really do love my job, and so extra work isn't always a bad thing.  But I've been generally feeling stressed and utterly exhausted.  I usually wake up in the morning and feel ready to head right back to bed.

The ongoing insomnia isn't helping anything, either.

Still, I'm exhausted. 

I know I need to regroup for a bit, in order to face the next round of work, and the next round of recovery work.  I've written before that my work is a huge motivator for me in recovery.  For one, it gives my brain something to think about besides weight and calories.  And my identity is very tied up in what I do, so it gives me something positive with which to affiliate myself.

Because of this, and the fact that I work from home, makes it very easy to overwork myself.  Overwork isn't really any better than overexercise, and I'm psychologically and behaviorally prone to both. The other factor is financial--I had a couple of slow months earlier this year, and I can't afford more of that.  So I have anxiety driving me both to keep up financially and also to prove myself as a legitimate science writer.

I have plenty I need to do tomorrow, but I am also making a conscious effort not to overdo it.  To relax with TV show reruns in the evening and crochet, or read, or play with my cat.

So, yes.  Breathing.  Breathing is good.  I can't work if I burn out, and so working less now will let me do more later.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

I had my second appointment with Dr. H this afternoon.  Don't get me wrong--I like Dr. H.  She has a Keurig coffeemaker in her waiting room, so there's no way I couldn't like her. And I like how she approaches therapy and she seems to "get" me.  That's no small order.

But she's not TNT.

I don't miss the hour-long drive each way to go see TNT, but I really did like the work we did together.  She's helped me feel a lot more secure about my recovery.  TNT talked me down from a number of psychological ledges.  We did some work on body dysmorphia, although it's still majorly present.  Nonetheless, although the dysmorphia itself isn't any better, I'm able to overlook it a bit more.

I do like Dr. H, though.  When I asked her what her philosophy was, she said that she mainly did CBT.  She followed this up with the comment that she doesn't see herself as just a therapist, but she also sees herself as part coach and part cheerleader.  Thankfully, she doesn't wear short, polyester skirts or insist that I wear them, either.  Keurig be damned, that would be a deal breaker.

It's hard to adjust to the change.  It's hard for me to adjust to any change, let alone something major like this.  I think I've been lucky overall with finding good therapists, especially recently.  I had a few doozies in my time (like the one therapist who told me, in all seriousness, that "I just needed to get laid." Well all righty, then), but I've mostly found good clinical support.

I think Dr. H will work out just fine, but making the transition is tough.  I see TNT next weekend for one last group therapy session, and then we're done.  I'm trying to remind myself that this is a chance to learn from someone new, to get a new perspective on my recovery.

Also, the Keurig.  Let's not forget the Keurig.