AM internal dialogue

This morning's breakfast was cereal. I like it on several levels--for starters, I like cereal, and I like all of the crazy concoctions I can make in my bowl. Also, it's easy and quick to prepare.

So there I was, half asleep, making my cereal concoction, when I realized I had forgotten my sunflower seeds in the pantry. 

I really don't feel like grabbing those. It's no big deal- it doesn't add much to my intake, so it won't matter if I skip them.

But then I caught myself. No, actually, it was a big deal if I skipped them because I would skip them tomorrow and then the next day and the next day. The sunflower seeds wouldn't be the only things that would disappear. Other stuff would go.

With those few things going, so would my recovery.

It's a big deal because one little thing doesn't ever stay one little thing. Not ever.

So I walked over to the pantry and got my sunflower seeds.


Sensory Overload said...

Way to go Carrie. Way to just simply get there and BE there.

Much respect and appreciation for your deep honesty, ability to share, and intelligence that allows so many so much more than they might otherwise not know.

(I read every post. Just don't comment often. This however; moves me to do so.)

With light. Be well. (And keep at it; internal dialogue, external execution and otherwise.)

Abby said...

So freaking true. I admit I have that struggle all the time and brush it off as laziness at times to add in this or that, but in actuality, it's simply cutting corners that I never need to cut. Just because I "can" eat it without X doesn't mean I should.

I also do that with exercise. If I just go five extra minutes today, it's no big deal. But it is a big deal because tomorrow I will think I have to go five minutes more than the day before and then the next day the same cycle...

It starts small with us and it sucks to have to be so diligent, but those are the steps that we take. Big props to you for adding in the seeds, although we know that it's much more than that ;)

hm said...

Ugh. So painfully, frustratingly true. Taking the smallest break from vigilance is the first step towards another relapse. Every time you make a point to stay on the path, your recovered self gets stronger. Totally cool that you ate the sunflower seeds.

anneso87 said...

This is something I have been struggling with lately. I've been reducing dinner portions for a few weeks now and it's so hard to get back on track. We have to be so extremely careful with all of our choices that it sometimes gets really, really frustrating and exhausting.

Proud of you for not giving in!

Anonymous said...

Yep, I totally concur with this...

I also concur with Abby, above, on exercise. Nowadays I don't do strenuous stuff, but I do now walk and do yoga. I don't see these activities as having any link to my weight, and I am super-careful to ensure that I eat enough.

However, I know that if I added, say, 10 minutes on to my walk, the next time I walked I would 'have' to do the extra time. Likewise, if I missed a snack one day, it would be easy to miss it the next day and from then on...

All these little behavioural routines and rituals.... *Sigh*

Katie said...

It's suddenly hit me that I don't have this issue anymore. Habits can creep back IN - for example, if I weigh myself twice in a fortnight I will want to do it more often as opposed to my usual once every 4-6 weeks - but I don't eat to a meal plan/structure anymore, so things rarely creep OUT. That's pretty cool :D but I do know what you mean (from the days of eating to a meal plan and how little steps backwards can add up) and I think it's really awesome that you can stop this process even before it begins. Go Carrie!

Brittnie said...

Way to go! I remember feeling the same way and like you said (so well) each little choice IS a big deal b/c it directly influences other choices in recovery.

Bumble said...

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from - thank you for your honesty and willpower to keep going.. much better channeling willpower this way rather than the way ANA would have it channeled.

Jennifer said...

Boy, do I hear you on this Carrie...especially at present..its what sent me off track the past few tiny change/decrease in intake and it is so, so ,so hard to get it right again...even after working on recovery for such a long time.xxoo

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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