Down but not out

I'll be honest: the past few weeks have been rough, ED-wise.  Nothing catastrophic has happened (as in, people are talking in nervous whispers about "hospitalizations" and such), but my weight is down some and I've noticed an uptick in ED thoughts and behaviors.  I've been remanded to daily doses of Ensure Plus, which isn't my idea of a good time, as well as upping the food intake.

As a consequence, I've been unusually tired and wiped out, which probably explains the decrease in blog posts over the past few weeks.  Either I didn't know what to say, or I didn't have the energy with which to say it.

The fight for recovery is exhausting, and I just want the fight to end.  I want food to be food and not filled with doubts and terrors.  I want my own mind to cease being a minefield and my own worst enemy.  I want anxiety to stop snowballing into something bigger and more sinister.

It's frustrating mostly because I thought I was past the point where I thought something this serious could happen.  I knew that small slips and things were likely just because life is life.  But to have to go back to Ensure Plus?  Seriously?!?

Ouch.  It's a bit of an ego blow, I'll confess.

The good news is that I've learned from previous experience and I'm not in any medical danger, I'm still working to my usual capacity, and I'm not a suicidal basketcase.  I've gotten a handle (or at least started to address things) before they spiraled totally out of control and I lost my ability to fight the anorexia as an outpatient.  Because as bad of an ego blow as this is, it's not as bad as having to quit my job and/or move home and/or go back into treatment.

So.  That's where I'm at.  Down but not out.  I'm pulling myself together and getting back on the recovery bandwagon.


hm said...

Sending you love, warmth, positive energy, hope, and tight cyber hugs. Proud of you for being honest. GREAT JOB drinking the Ensure. Keep hanging in there.

Dawn said...

I'm right there with you. Proud of you for handling it while you still can. Hang in there, I'll hang in there with you. We can do it! Sending you prayers and love tonight

shah wharton said...

Hi - I have a relevant guest post regarding eating disorders and children. Wondered if you'd like to take a look?

I also do Monday Madness - blog linky for mental health bloggers every week, and Awareness day on Wednesdays. Hope to see you over at wordsinsync soon - Shah .X

Katie said...

Aw Carrie, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I know what it's like to tell yourself off for thinking you should be past the point at which this can happen now. But moving into your own house was a major step, and it is so common for people to slip a little during big life changes. I was so sure my recovery was solid when I moved back in July - I'd been in active recovery for 17 months and WR for six - and I ended up accidentally losing a bit of weight and then slipping in and out of restrictive behaviours for the next couple of months. It was like every time I'd pulled myself out of one hole another one opened up. I've been living independently for eight months now and things have settled down a lot :) so please please don't be too hard on yourself - a lot of people would struggle for a bit in your situation, and you are addressing the problem. This is not an indication that you will never recover or that you will always have this much trouble with ED thoughts/urges. I hope things pick up soon.

Jessi said...

i'm in the same space as you... it is so tough especially when you KNOW so much more than you did last time you slipped... and you KNOW how hard it is to get back to where you are before you slipped...

hoping everything you can maintain where you are now, and that your team of support are there for you...

EDs are such slippery little suckers! ;)


Unknown said...

ED sucks.

It isn't a weakness or failure that ED is able to get your ear and steepen the slope. Your insights and hard work are still there and it's always a step forward, not back! You're just doing what has to be done.

You do so among friends.

Rufty said...

As ever you show bravery in the face of adversity. Kudos to you lady!
Also, thanks for sharing this struggle with us. It's not easy (to state the bleedin' obvious!) and it's nothing to be ashamed of, but I understand the difficulty of putting it out there.
I have faith this will only make you stronger in the long run.
Rooting for you Carrie.
mel x

Charlotte UK said...

I hate ed.

I am willing you on from over here and sending waves of British love and the loan of my "stiff upper lip" to get you through, my friend.


Cate said...

Well done you for being able to look at all this stuff so objectively! You know you have friends in the blogosphere who love (need) to hear what you have to say, and never want you to feel pressured to have to present a perfect front to the world. Slips happen to all of us - even you. But we don't all handle them as well as you seem to be handling this one. And like you said, you haven't had to quit your job or go to hospital - so it's just a slip. You'll get through this one and be stronger for it :)

I Hate to Weight said...

lapses happen, and they're frustrating. but you can get back on track at any phase of the lapse.

i had a struggle when i started my new job. i wanted to eat compulsively, which i haven't in so long. it was really, really scarey.

but i'm back to my old self. food and weight are in their proper places again.

keep up the good work you're doing to get yourself thru. hang in there.

HikerRD said...

As always, Carrie, your honesty and candid style is refreshing!
Keep in mind, that drinking Ensure Plus is not an easy way out, a failing, but a statement of your determination to beat this thing.
As for "at least I'm not at medical risk...", the missing operative word is "now". As you and your readers know, it's a slippery slope. Best to put on your crampons and acknowledge your in glacial territory.

Anonymous said...

I'll be thinking of you Carrie! I know recovery is full of ups and down and I've had my fair share of the recovery roller coaster. I believe it gets easier though and with all these lessons we learn a little bit more about our ED's every time. Maybe that means we need to be more aware of our weight dropping before hand or maybe we need to be more on top of our intake. I try to learn and grow from each of my slips. Recovery takes a long time--so just be patient. You'll get better, i'm sure of it! You show so much strength and determination :) Just dont be to hard on yourself and try to be nice to yourself these next few weeks, that's what you really need right now. (as in, no beating yourself up AT ALL!)

Angela Elain Gambrel said...

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling I know you can get through this, and I admire that you immediately saw the potential for problems and took care of yourself. Remember recovery isn't a linear course, and that you will make it to the end where food is just food.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are struggling right now :( Sending my prayers and support your way Carrie!

Stay strong <3


Anonymous said...

Right there with you. Fighting some days hour to hour to make the right choices. But the knowledge is powerful. It's hard to go back to that oblivious place again. Keep fighting!

Unknown said...

i'm back on ensure plus too. i know exactly what you mean about the blast to your ego. i'll be thinking about you. we can do this. one bite, or in the case of ensure, one sip, at a time.

Cathy (UK) said...

I'm sorry things are tough right now Carrie :( You are in my thoughts...

You've been through a lot of change recently (e.g. moving house, which is an enormous change), so it's hardly surprising that you've had to work harder than usual to stay well.

Be kind to yourself... You're writing some fabulous papers :) Can you take a break for (say) a week and just chill?

Take care!

Unknown said...

I am here admiring you for posting this, for letting us all know, for taking the ensure plus, for doing what you need to to get past this period. You are an inspiration, Carrie. I'm thinking of you and beaming support your way.

Anonymous said...

C, I met you at NEDA in NY.
You are such an impressive woman. Sending you hugs and prayers. - CV

Kendra (Voice in Recovery) said...

Progress not perfection. Sending hugs. You can do this and you are never alone

Cammy said...

Really sorry to hear that you're having a rough time, Carrie. Don't get down on yourself; keep your head high and don't doubt that you can do this. You are a rock star, and you deserve way, way better than what a relapse will bring. Great job on identifying and acknowledging the issue, you know you've got tons of support as you work towards getting back on track.

KrisBaldo said...

This illness is so vile, Carrie. At least this time you're starting from way further ahead than you were before. Your cyber-friends are all hoping that you find health and peace, soon and for the rest of your life!

Angela said...

Hey, things like this happen. Slips kind of sneak up on you, and before you know it, the ED thoughts and food fears creep in and start taking over. You are doing what you need to do to get things back on track, and that is what counts. Hang in there, and don't be so hard on yourself. You can and will do this, I have no doubt:)

wenhope said...


You are an amazing woman who has shown such strength and courage to all.
No one is perfect and this is a bump in the road that you will use your all your resources to prevail.
I am sending you my warmth, positive wishes, and yes, hope.
We all care for you

Sarah at Journeying With Him said...

I think you're a wonderful role model for being honest when you're struggling. You're great, Carrie. You can do it.

fightingforfreedom said...

Hey I have a recovery blog and I've been reading your blog for a few months after I saw it on a friend's page- This post has been the most helpful to me because this is exactly what is going on for me right now. I thought I was past it too. I thought I would never look back but these past few weeks have been really hard. I don't get it but I'm trying not to beat myself up and it helps to know that it isn't just me. That maybe I'm not a failure. There are times when it gets hard and I think we just have to figure out what we are trying to cope with at present. Thank you and keep fighting :)

Ayesha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Yali said...

Stay strong...honor where you are, even in pain. I send you The space and energy to heal....xoxo

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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