It does suck, and it's totally not fair. But at least there's always chocolate.

Hang in there, my friend!

Thank you.

This post almost brought me to tears. I had a day like this.

Recovery sucks. It doesn't get easier -- not one week in, not three months in, not two years in, not 10 years in. In the moment giving in always seems easier than moving on and NOTHING seems worth it.

The sad part is that in this state, the person cannot even appreciate the tenacity and endurance it takes to hang on -- if fact this might inspire self-loathing and shame (as it does for me).

I have said this before, but recovery seems to be a battle of endurance between the natural tendency to restrict/avoid and the application of a healthier lifestyle.

Sometimes we don't "win" by a lot. Sometimes the difference between relapse and staying in recovery is just hanging on and being more stubborn than our own stubborness.

Hang in there. You're not alone

A:)

Um. hello, totally read my mind (as usual)! I feel like complete poop today- ugly, stressed at work, the complete opposite of relaxed, and angry at myself that I don't feel like working out or doing crunching or whatever else ED thinks I need to CALM down...

ugh, I hate days like today where I just want to hide under a blanket and block out everything.

" That good recovery means you feel like shit and you go through the motions "

I needed to hear this today. It was shitty.

THANK YOU!

I love your blog, so much! It helps me on rough days when I am so discouraged. So even though you have crappy awful days, know that you are a big help in my (and I am sure others) recovery process. So thank you. And from one woman to the next who knows how difficult this process can be, hang in there. It'll pass.

-Sarah

I believe that is EXACTLY what recovery is! Feeling like shit, and doing it anyway.

Thank you for your blog. I have found it very inspiring, as well as just well written and fun, as I've been working through my own recovery from bulimia the past 3 months.

I can totally relate to going thru the motions. I've been in recovery on & off for 2yrs and it doesn't get any easier. Everyday is a struggle for me to eat enough and then when I do eat, its another battle to keep it down.
I've been going thru this for 20yrs and I didn't even look for help until 2yrs ago. I really admire those of you who look for help early on because this is defitely not the way to live!

One week into "recovery"- food goals met for the week- and I am collapsing under the exhaustion of knowing this was ONLY... THE... FIRST... FUCKING... STEP...

How on earth can I do this. "There was just the daily slog of three meals, two snacks." OMG- right now I'm only required to eat ONE snack- are they going to move me up to two???

"Much of my bad mood was steadied by the realization that it really isn't fair. That good recovery means you feel like shit and you go through the motions and you don't give a crap about health or any of that. But it means you don't stop trying, and you don't let the negativity win." I GET this. And I've just started.

I shake my head in awe at my sister, who has cancer, and pops chemo pills every day even though the side effects are almost unbearable. But she chooses to go through the motions, to let the pills make her feel like crap, so she can live. So she can be w/her family. So the cancer won't win. I guess for the ED person, following a treatment plan w/food is like chemo- we eat it, but it makes us feel bloated, sick, exhausted, depressed, out of control. But it's giving us life. So we go through the motions.

Thanks again for a post that expresses just how I feel- it makes me feel less alone. To know I'm not the only one out there fighting for life.

Thanks so much for posting this. I've been feeling like this lately too. I've haven't been enjoying meals and i've been thinking- recovery sucks, it isn't worth it. Which is not true at all! It's so worth it.

Thanks again for being so honest...and for being such an example that recovery CAN suck but one can still stick with it. You are very inspirational.

Thank you ... I am off the wagon and your blog (as ever) by your candidness has persuaded me to try again tomorrow. Thank you ... Cos it does suck!

Thank you for inspiring me this morning! Your words do touch deeply. They help to go on.

Thanks from me too! It's ironic that self denial applies to recovery as it did in the illness. Please don't take yesterday's criticisms to heart - as someone with nearly a lifetime's fight with ED, I think your metaphors are great.

The good news is that it doesn't suck all the time! And isn't it liberating to state, to acknowledge that it sucks? I love radical acceptance! Another awesome post, Carrie!
Lori Lieberman, RD, CDE, MPH, LDN

Life sucks sometimes, it really does. Had a few days of that this week myself. Not a unicorn or a flake of glitter to be found.

I guess that's what makes the unicorns we do dream of and the glitter we do keep finding in fascinating new places as delightful as they are.

I often think of that prince who became the Buddha... finding out life sucked put him through the changes. Though that whole stuck between nirvana and the world thing seems a bit much and he could probably have used a little DBT, I think. Or, as Libby reminds us: chocolate!

this is LITERALLY exactly what I've been going through the last week. Thanks so much for this post--I always feel like I'm the ONLY ONE that feels this way! I guess its "normal" right?!?

Maybe that's why I always fail at my attempts at recovery. I thought that recovery was supposed to feel great and rewarding, but, since it clearly doesn't, I thought that I was doing it wrong. Whenever I attempt to disobey ED, I end up feeling worse. Still alone. Still anxious. Still feeling like a burden to the Earth.

I just wanted to say Hi and THANK YOU!
I'm new to recovery and everyday is hard right now but that said, I'm doing alright, like you I have the days where I want to restrict or exercise but I've also been enjoying pastimes that were just that - pastimes. For the first time in years I'm painting and volunteering and I'm loving it!
Your candor is appreciated. You blog is the only one that makes me fell I'm not alone. It's also inspiring that your blog not what I call a "how too".
Thank you again, so much,
b

Hey, Carrie, I just thought of something- those 48 hours of recovery drudgery DID produce glitter and unicorns- for all of US who read your posts and felt encouraged by your honesty, commitment, and courage- sometimes what we do rewards those around us instead of us, ourselves- YOU ROCK for practicing recovery and showering all of us w/the glitter from it by being honest and steadfast- I'll pray that the wind will turn back towards you and blow some of the glitter from your process YOUR way. But it's definitely there. You're making sparkles. :)

Hi Carrie,
I was wondering if you've watched the new show called What's Eating You on the E channel? It's a documentary-type show about eating disorders, ranging from anorexia and bulimia to people who eat things that aren't food. It's really fascinating and I think you would be interested by it. However, I think it might be triggering for some people. Just wanted to give you a heads up if you want to check it out :) Have a great day!

I find these comments completely disheartening and depressing. I have been working up to working on recovery and this was one of the blogs I have been reading to motivate myself. But these comments - it's never gonna get easier? Ever? Seriously then... what is the point? Just utterly depressing. How about, "so you had a bad day/week. Things WILL get better. This is just a phase." I think I will have to avoid reading comments in the future. I would hope your fans would boost you up. I read your blog because you seem so strong and full of hope. And so real. You can get through this phase. You have to! If you can't, how can I even contemplate beginning?!?!?!?!

Hey Carrie, I'm really glad you had a day like this (even though it's not fair) because it gave you a chance to keep going anyway. You are doing such a great job!

I promise that if you keep going like this, these days will slowly become less and less frequent. I used to have these days EVERY day, then it became a few days a week, then slowly once every two weeks, and soon I realized I was only having one a month.

One month, I complained so badly about that one day, and D said "are you KIDDING? This is how you used to feel every day! One day is NOTHING!"

I thought this was applicable to you--it doesn't take away the pain of this one day and the general suckiness of an eating disorder, but reframe a little--how awesome is it that you had one day that was so bad, bordered by some days that were better where you were able to travel and live life?!! You're doing an awesome job!!!

I'm right here with you. I find myself just eating enough to be enough, but not enough to nourish. I had found that taking an active role in meal preparation made me feel better about eating (and cooking and tinkering around in the kitchen was making me feel productive), but this week I've just been slapping together sandwiches or white rice and not making Meals.

And then I hit a wall a few days ago where I felt this huge question mark hovering over recovery. Why am I doing this again? Suddenly "wellness" doesn't feel like a priority, but more of an inconvenience.

Right now I'm just trying to stick to good choices and wait for it to pass.

Anon,

For me, it helps to see that even people who are doing well in recovery can have crap days, and still hold onto their recovery. I thought recovery was going to be great, and then when it wasn't, I got really discouraged.

There are plenty of days when I think that recovery is so freaking awesome I can't stand it. There are also days when I get down and grumpy and everything pretty much sucks.

I guess the take-home message is this: recovery is a good thing even if it doesn't always feel good.