Today is my last day at the bakery, and I'm mostly excited to be able to focus full-time on my writing, I will miss many of my co-workers. Yesterday, I was discussing with another baker (let's call him "D") the essentials of writing the next Great American Zombie Apocalypse Novel. The book Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was a bestseller (seriously. Do you think I could make this stuff up?), and so we wanted to rewrite other books with a zombie twist. Such as "To Kill a Zombie Mockingbird" and "The Adventures of Huckleberry Zombie." I will miss conversations like this.
I will also miss the fact that my boss was trying to bribe me to stay by buying me iced coffees. It didn't work, but it was a nice perk! My boss is a complicated person, and sometimes I want to shake her, but we've also had our fair share of laughs*. We were talking last night as we cleaned the kitchen about how physically demanding the job was. I said that it was rather hilarious that all the customers were always wondering how I could work in the bakery and "stay so skinny!" when in reality my metabolic needs almost required large amounts of high-calorie goodies. My boss told me that she jokes with other people that she "eats like a 300 lb man" because she's so active.
If only she would have stopped there. Because the next thing out of her mouth was:
"Watch, now that you're no longer going to be with us, you're totally going to get fat."
I used my newly acquired interpersonal effectiveness skill of grunting, but inside, I panicked.
I know my boss knows nothing about my eating disorder history. I also know she was joking--she's just that kind of person. We tease each other and so on, and I'm not doubting for a second that she really didn't mean it (unlike my co-worker who jokingly--I think--called me "fatass." Am I sensing a theme here?). But I still worry about how/if quitting my bakery job will lead to weight gain.
It's an irrational fear, and I know it. The doubt, however, still nags at me. I am barely tolerating the weight I am at now, and I fear any sort of gain would throw me over the edge. I also don't want to go clothes shopping again. Like, ever again. Yet I know I can't let such a fear dictate my life and prevent me from chasing my dreams.
I know that being calm and rational is the way to get through this. So I've reminded myself of the following:
- TNT monitors my weight and we can step in if there is an upward trend.
- I can call my old dietitian and ask for support.
- I didn't lose weight when I started and so I probably won't gain when I leave.
- My weight stayed the same when I was out of town and not working for 3 weeks.
- If my metabolism can adjust to the upward shift in activity, it can adjust to the downward shift.
*For instance, when she got my iced coffee the first day, she asked how I liked me coffee. I said "Just how I like my men- deep tan and really sweet." She looked at me and said "I guess that means I like my men blond and bitter."