Self Honesty

I apologize for the lack of posts recently- I've been beyond exhausted trying to box up a lot of the stuff in my apartment and get ready to move back to the Midwest.

My parents arrived on Friday night, and my first thought was: just kidding. I'm okay, really I am. I can't shake the feeling that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, even though all evidence points to the contrary. My therapist dropped the f-bomb when she found out how much weight I'd lost, and the short amount of time in which I had lost it. My arms are furry. My BP is low. My hands and feet and (oddly) left butt cheek will randomly start tingling.

But...but...I labs and EKG were normal! I'm not wearing children's clothes! My weight has been lower!

The grim reality is this, though: I can't turn it around on my own. I can't just un-flip that anorexic switch and start eating and gain the amount of weight that I need to. Perhaps on some level I get this, although I don't want it to be true.

In a recent blog post, therapist Erika Krull writes what she tells her clients in situations like this:

“You can think that way about your problem if you like, pretend it isn’t there. Or you can face the truth and acknowledge its existence. Either way, the reality of your problem will still be there. You just have more power to make your situation better if you face it.”

Krull writes:

Usually, facing the truth of a difficult situation is a shorter-term pain than most people anticipate. It can hurt like a sucker punch, but then the best part comes. You get the chance to move forward with your life, leaving behind a clunky dirty piece of baggage that you’ve been dragging around behind you. As long as you keep trying to dress up that piece of baggage and keep it with you, it’s going to keep weighing you down. Call it out for what it is, dump it, and get on to the best part of life. Living with honesty.

This is what I am trying to remember, even as I look in the mirror and cannot for the life of me figure out why people are so worked up, can't figure out why I need to gain when I already feel so fat and gross.

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A:) said...

Oh Carrie, <3

You can do this. I know how you feel too. I am halfway weight restored and going "my weight is no longer at a critical level! I've gained so much! I can stop now right?" -- Remember that a person with an ED is great at rationalization and self-deception. SOMETHING prompted you to call your parents and confess to your therapist -- hold onto that -- that is healthy Carrie.

<3 Sending you strength for the coming days.


Kim said...

My thoughts are with you. I know how easy it is to say, "Oh, no, just kidding. I'm not THAT bad. It's fine." You can do that for years and years, if you want to; but that's no way to live. Speaking up and saying you need help is very courageous. I hope your move back home goes smoothly. Keep us posted.

Potterchik said...

God bless you. Take care of yourself, and let people love you.
I admit I don't understand eating disorders, like I don't understand addiction. (Why can't one choose not to use? Why can't one choose healthy eating?) But I do understand that I don't need to understand, for it to be real.
Keep up the good fight.

mara said...

thank you so much for your honesty and so much for your blog. its really wonderful. good luck!

Laur said...

sorry I do not comment often.
Is this move home permanent?
What happens with work?
Good for you for being honest and taking action.

mary said...

No need to apologize Carrie. This is a time to let those you trust help you restore some balance. It can be easier this time if you allow it to be. Your ED is back....but you are roaring back by dragging it into the light. This is good medicine too along with nourishment. That right there will help you fight.The spirit is strong Carrie. Remember that.
Oh, I'm all for starving the ED of attention while you feed your body and soul!

Pixll said...

I think you are phenomenally brave - doing this, facing the reality - forcing yourself to be honest. Incredibly brave.

I am so so glad that you have your parents to do this.

Be your own best friend - you would never tell your best friend that just because she is no longer in childrens clothing/not as low in weight as she once was, that is is 'no big deal'.

Take care, be gentle with yourself

sad mom said...

You are going to get back on track soon. You know you aren't well and can tell the difference between what you know and what ED is telling you. Hold on to that. You know what needs to be done. You will be even stronger and more amazing after this round.

Have a safe trip home and know that our good wishes and prayers are with you.

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About Me

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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