I can haz gratitude

I'm sitting here at work, just crying. Tears of utter gratitude and love. I can't believe the support I'm getting right now. It's just...amazing.

If nothing else, this is what is so different about every other time I've struggled and fallen. Before, I kept it to myself. I lied. I concealed. I avoided everyone and everything who might figure it out. I was supposed to be Carrie the Recovery Girl. How could a two-time ED book author relapse?

Um, the same way as anyone else.

Though there is still embarrassment and shame, it is SO MUCH LESS now that everything is out in the open, and now that I realized the only one who ever thought I could never relapse or struggle EVER was, you know, me. I was putting my internal BS on all of you, and it is unbelievably gratifying to know that this was a figment of my imagination.

Relapse is a grim reality for eating disorders. Not inevitable, and not something I think should make you quiver with fear at all hours, but it's always possible. This is the nature of the illness. I've wasted enough time feeling sorry for myself and heaping on all the spoonfuls of self-hatred that I'm really going to try and stop at this point.

Thank you. It feels so trite and cliche, but seriously, thank you ALL.

posted under , , |


Cammy said...


Katie said...

I only just saw your first post and I know I haven't commented very often until now, but I just wanted to add my voice to all the others who have told you that you have nothing to be ashamed of. I think it's really brave of you to admit that you're struggling and ask for help. I had to leave university and move back home four months ago and I remember just how embarrassed and scared I was - but it was a groundless fear, everyone was wonderful. I really hope everything goes smoothly for you and you can start getting better as soon as possible <3

Kim said...

Anorexia would love for you to keep berating yourself, to keep the secret hidden and fill you with shame. It's out. Let it be out. There is absolutely nothing "wrong" with you for struggling. People love you and care for you, even here in the blog world where we're all virtual friends. We support you, no matter where you're at on this journey. It IS a journey, and we all know that. Stay true to yourself and what you know is best. I hate admitting when I can't fix things myself. I feel weak and all that. I feel that way about my failed marriage right now. But, keeping it in just perpetuates those terrible feelings. The truth is not so bad. It is what it is. Keep us posted on things. I'm sure the transition home will be hard, but relieving...

Sarah said...

It's a bit of a cliche I know but "thank you for sharing" -- who knows how many people you're helping by being so open about this. I know how hard it is but you're doing it anyway. This stuff thrives in the dark and can't sustain itself in the sunlight. I'm glad you're breathing a bit easier now.


Anonymous said...

I have only been reading your blog for a few weeks but to be honest I could tell that you are not recovered. I read your blog because I am obsessed with all things ana, and your blog provides me with loads of interesting info on the subject. Most of it is in the recovery/understanding EDs realm, but its still all ED related, which tells me that its still all you think about. I know how it can take over your thought processes without you realising it, and before you know it you have devoted all your time, thoughts and energy to ana, keeping it always on your mind.
Even when you are thinking rationally about it, its still always there.
I know this because it does my head in too and even though your blog has provided me with a more understanding point of view its still devotion to ana. crazy in'it.
I hope you can follow what I am trying to say, I want to tell you to do something else or think about something else because I know how addictive ana is, and it aint easy to ditch the bitch, I might be wrong but I think that all your blogging and research into ana is also feeding her.
I don't doubt that this blog is a massive help to you and others, its helped me to understand a bit more, but I can't help thinking its still just another symptom. I am sorry if this sounds critical, its not meant to be, I am just trying to understand it too. Its like the thought process/pathways have been formed like the path of a river and all our thoughts are then directed down the same route.
Bah I am babbling now I'm sorry,
take care hun, hope you find peace of mind.


Lisa said...

I came late to these last posts. You're brave and strong and you are going to be well. I am sad that you are leaving D.C. just before I'm moving there (like really sad. I'm trying hard not to cry). Be good to yourself and never, ever feel ashamed.

Peregrine said...

Hi Carrie.
HUGE hugs, lovely. You are one hell of a courageous, honest human being. I'm so sorry that you are going through this suffering--but you are not alone. I haven't stopped relapsing, yet...but I haven't stopped FIGHTING yet, either. I recognize that I will probably have some of these thought patterns for my entire life, but I disagree with the last comment by 'anonymous' about what that says about me--and I disagree about what that says about you, Carrie. I DON'T see your blog as a 'symptom' -- I see it as a big F*ck YOU to the disease that is TRYING to leach every bit of independence from the healthy You that I know is in there. The one that is willing to state publicly that she has relapsed; the one that is scared to death but willing to try refeeding again; the one that is opening her heart to friends and family and making herself terrifyingly vulnerable to being loved, just as she is, right now.
I believe in you, Carrie. 100%. You can do this. This disease does NOT have you; it is a part of what has made you the strong person that you are, but it IS NOT you, or your thoughts, no matter what the previous poster is implying. You are one-of-a-kind, girl. I wouldn't have gotten through this winter without reading your gems every day.
Be gentle on yourself. Gentle gentle.
Much love. rachel

Anonymous said...

Hi again, I am so sorry for the post I made, please, I don't want to upset things I was mearly trying to understand myself as much as anything, i just can't get cetain stuff out of my head and its doing my nut in, I think if I stop reading and indulging myself in these posts and blogs I might be able to get back to a normal life, but I keep coming back to them. I was out of order to put what I did and I am sorry.

A:) said...

The relapse came to me as a big suprise Carrie. I am sad and shocked, but happy you are getting help and that you did not CONTINUE on a path to rock bottom.

I think I see (from fb anyway) that you have numerous other interests outside your ED and that you love reading and learning. I know for me, these were the biggest motivators to get back on track. Things became horrible when my interests were only ED related

This blog has been a place of hope and learning for me and will continue to be. And also, as my mom says when I talk about you (we have all read your books) you have a wonderful sense of humour and metaphor :)

Good luck Carrie. I hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing.

Carrie Arnold said...


No need to apologize. I do understand what you were trying to say and it's okay. Really. I'm not mad. I would rather have people put a concern out in the open than let it stew.

I've never claimed to be recovered, and this blog is a large part of my life, but definitely not the only one. Have I been more focused recently on personal stuff that more research-y stuff? Perhaps? Have there been negatives to blogging? Yep. But for where I am right now, the positives far outweigh (ummm...) the negatives.

Lee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lee said...

Carrie, I have been a lurker for a long time and have found it to be nothing but a helpful asset to my own recovery. Your writing is refreshing, informative & most important to me authentic. I appreciate your willingness to openly disclose where you are at and your struggles as well as triumphs with us as I believe that you will learn and benefit as will I and others. I hate E.D. too and am sending cyber support. Please keep writing and working through this set back to move forward!

Adrianna Hey said...

Carrie, exsisto sollicitus nusquam , pro qua illic est vita , illic est spes.

Translation: Be anxious for nothing, for where there is life, there is hope.

Missing In Sight said...


I hope you can overcome the shame and embarassment. I fear they may hold you back. You have nothing to be embarassed over. As you said, it's the nature of the disease. Eating disorders are always waiting and hoping they can snatch us again. Sometimes we can fight it off, and sometimes we can't. When we can't, there's nothing to do but accept it.

Unfortunately, relapse grabbed you and placed you in it's clutches. But you are worth fighting for. No matter how far along in recovery you were, relapse is not an indication of your self-worth.

Hang in there. You can fight off ED and make it back to brighter skies.

Stay strong and take care.

Lissy said...

i find that hiding (or trying to hide a relapse) is such hard work. i'm so glad you had the courage to share how you were really doing.

take care. i'm glad you'll be with people who love you so much. you are so compassionate toward others. hope you can be that compassionate with yourself.


CookieGirl said...

I think you are wonderful, courageous and have a beautiful heart and mind. You will be back kicking ass in no time, Carrie. : ) xoxo

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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