Skill Building

It's cold and rainy and windy out- my apartment building is creaking and groaning.

I need a cup of hot tea to make this right.

I'm kind of getting (kind of) how powerful yesterday's realization was. I feel skillful- I knew what I had to do and I did it. This is not to say that I felt good or happy or stuff like that. Just...skillful.

As far as I've come in recovery, when Ed starts yelling like that, I usually give in. I don't know how to tolerate the anxiety that comes with eating when every fiber of my being is telling me to not eat. This is so conflicting, because on the one hand, I realize that it's somehow wrong (as in contrary, not wrong in a moral sense) to skip meals and snacks, and yet it seems wrong to actually eat.

And I don't know how to explain this to people.

This is why I still have my old meal plan stuck to my fridge. I know what I need to eat. It's right there on the paper.

Another one of my motivators is my New Zealand trip. Obviously, there's the trip itself, but that's not always enough. What adds to that, though, is how much I've paid for the trip. I'm, how shall we say, frugal (cheap, stingy- take your pick) and I do NOT want to waste all of this money. There are several ways the money could be wasted: I could get too sick to go or I would still go but be completely and utterly miserable and obsessing about food. Which seems to be the more egregious sin in my book.

The mentality of "I'm going to enjoy this bloody trip whether I want to or not!" is kind of odd, but it does work.

Letting myself hate eating also helps. That I can eat even though I don't want to. Even though my brain is telling me not to, that I'll become obese and die a miserable death only after living a miserable life. Guess what? These feelings won't kill me*. The eating disorder will.

There are still days when I'm not all gung-ho about recovery, even days when I'd rather go back to starving and purging and overexercise. It's real. Those feelings are still very, very real. And my turning point was that I could still have those feelings and still do what I needed to do in order to recover.

This is sounding far more chipper than I intended it. I don't want to be a downer, and didn't intend for this post to be depressing in the slightest. Things aren't perfect. But I do feel better about what went down last night.

That's it.

*Yeah, I know. It's easy to say this now when I'm not in front of a plate of fatty food. But it's still good to remind myself.

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5 comments:

samsi77 said...

That is what I would call SKILLFUL, EFFECTIVE and GO CARRIE GO! You are powerful, beyond belief, keep doing what is effective. I also hear you doing something very skillful which is chaining different skills to be effective; radical acceptance, doing what is effective, which does not necessarily mean liking it let alone loving it but moreso doing it.

mary said...

BTW, weight is a good thing! Fat is a good thing! It keeps the brain healthy and the body warm and it gives energy. Allow yourself to take up space and I assure you you won't turn into a room. Your perception needs a minor adjustment./**** You are a fierce warrior chick in this battle so don't forget it.

The trip ahead has the potential to be a great adventure!
Distraction is a powerful tool if you'll use it right now. Let your imagination paint you a better picture of what might be. I know it's hard but IGNORE the ED as if he's not there anymore. I know it's hard to trust yourself but you really can.
ED is no longer an option. You are recovering so please please step away from the holes in the path hoping you are stupid enough to fall in. You are so much wiser to the games now.
I wonder what the ocean is like in NZ? I know there's a feel to the earth that's different in other places. Is the sky bluer? Are the sea shells bigger? Plan on sharing this adventure Carrie.

Sarah said...

There are still days when I'm not all gung-ho about recovery, even days when I'd rather go back to starving and purging and overexercise. It's real. Those feelings are still very, very real. And my turning point was that I could still have those feelings and still do what I needed to do in order to recover.

Yes, YES yes! I think this is one of the most important things you've written here, and you've written some pretty amazing things.

You're great!

xoxo
Sarah

Jeanne said...

Absolutely!!

Awesome post, carrie!

thinking of you with love,
jeanne

JT said...

Carrie, I meet you early this year at a conference and have read your first book (your second book is on my Christmas list). I have to tell you that you are amazing. I hope my daughter fights as much as you. I'm going to share this post with her so maybe she can take strength from it for her struggle with ED. Keep up the excellent work and have fun on your trip. You deserve it.

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About Me

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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Have any questions or comments about this blog? Feel free to email me at carrie@edbites.com



nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote



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