Lose weight fast!

You don't want to gain weight during the holidays, right? Not you! You will escape the gluttony that is the 5 weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years'.

Wait! You can do more! Not only can you keep from gainingweight, you can actually lose! That's right. You know that holiday party you've been dreading next weekend? The one you bought that sexy little black dress for that now doesn't fit because you had that extra slice of turkey on Thanksgiving and gained 20 pounds?

That dress.

You can wear it again. With these seven easy ways to lose ten pounds in ten minutes, you can impress your friends, rekindle your husband's waning desire, and make the slutty office secretary jealous.

  1. Amputate a limb! No longer is it no pain, no gain. It's also no pain, no loss! Call your doctor today and soon you will be able to lose up to 30 pounds with a few simple cuts.
  2. Before you step on the scale in the morning, pick up two 5-pound hand weights. With weights in hand, step on the scale. Note the number. Then, set the weights down and step back on the scale. The number should be ten pounds lower. Good for you!
  3. No hand weights? No problem! Buy a cheap, old-model bathroom scale. For this method to work, it can't be digital. Turn the dial on the scale so that it's set at 10 pounds below zero. Now step on the scale as usual. Ta-da! You weigh less!
  4. Buy a more expensive version of your little black dress. All women know that more expensive clothing means smaller sizes. You might not lose weight, but you'll be able to wear that size 4 you've always wanted.
  5. When you check your height, wear stilts. A guaranteed way to lower your BMI, without any fad diets or exercise.
  6. Encourage your friends to gain weight. You'll look thinner next to them.
  7. Use leeches. Blood has weight. If you let the leeches remove enough blood, your weight will go down. They've been used as a homeopathic remedy for ages, so it's guaranteed to be safe and improve your health.

See? Anyone can lose weight and improve their body image- in no time flat!!!

****************************************

I'm realizing that this is about as scientific and helpful as a lot of the other articles out there. I hope you, uh, enjoy it.

I found this articles funny until I realized that these people were being serious. Dead serious. Most of the people I know (who don't diet) don't really gain weight during the holidays. Why? It's just food. Seriously.


It's.

Just.

Food.

I'm not there yet. And over-indulging isn't one of my strong points. Even just typing the word "indulge" sends chills down my spine.

But there's also a huge difference between "enjoyment" and "gluttony". If a woman enjoys what she eats, she is somehow being a glutton. There aren't any "Hungry Woman" microwave dinners. There are Healthy Choice, Weight Watchers "Right Ones", and Lean Cuisine. Part of the reason I feel odd eating in front of other women (my male classmate notwithstanding because he has a hollow leg somewhere) is that I eat so much more than they do. I get that I have a pretty fast metabolism, that I'm pretty active. Yet I have a hard time, even after all of this, to eat more than someone else.

Women who eat a lot are pigs.

This is what our culture tells us. These weight loss articles really aren't geared towards men. They're not. Men don't have "vanity sizing." Not that they don't have their own food, weight, and body image issues.

And a shout out to Rachel at The F Word for inspiring this post.

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25 comments:

Rachel said...

Haha, this is great! And oddly, it makes much more sense than some of the diet tips I see in the magazines.

carrie said...

Thanks Rachel.

I had found the AOL Body section (or whatever it's called) because I thought there was a picture of a person with a coffee IV- which I had to see. But it was a chocolate IV, and the whole thing was holiday weight gain prevention, and then it linked to an article about how to lose weight fast. Which led to the thoughts of lopping off a limb, a joke from my old pdoc about all of the women who wanted to lose weight so badly.

Carrie

Sarah said...

I hate eating in front of other people. Bleh.

Harriet said...

Hilarious, Carrie! I may just have to link to this on my own blog. I love it.

carrie said...

Sarah,

I don't usually have a problem eating in front of others, as long as either I consider what I'm eating "healthy" OR other people are eating, too. If I'm the lone Snickers eater, then I don't do it.

Harriet,

Glad you like. And, by all means, link away.

Fatadelic said...

But there's also a huge difference between "enjoyment" and "gluttony". If a woman enjoys what she eats, she is somehow being a glutton.

Well said. And hence all the twittering everytime women go to eat.

"I'll just have a salad today."
"Oh, that's huge. I can't eat all that."
"Oh, I couldn't, really. I couldn't. Well, maybe a sliver."

RioIriri said...

OMG COPYCAT!!!

http://rioiriri.blogspot.com/2007/04/my-weight-loss-suggestions.html

;)

RioIriri said...

Or, I could link it better:
Here it is

Linda said...

Here is my fastest way to lose weight.What do you think about it?

RioIriri said...

I think posting weight loss tips in a recovering anorectic's blog is kind of a fucked up think to do.

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The quickest way to lose weight said...

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Wade McMaster said...

Haha, love the intro into this article! Good for a laugh and down to business. You are right , it is just food, I have major problems to stop being a glutton over the holidays, but every year I get a little better. Thanks for the read!

Anonymous said...

The first thing you should do if you are serious about losing weight is take accountability for your calories. I use Lance Armstrong's MyPlate. After that focus on making small improvements to your diet and incorporating some sort of weight lifting program and interval training regime...

http://weightliftingprogramsonline.com/weight-lifting-programs/

Anonymous said...

The first thing you should do if you are serious about losing weight is take accountability for your calories. I use Lance Armstrong's MyPlate. After that focus on making small improvements to your diet and incorporating some sort of weight lifting program and interval training regime...

http://weightliftingprogramsonline.com/weight-lifting-programs/

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Paramjit said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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Have any questions or comments about this blog? Feel free to email me at carrie@edbites.com



nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote



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