Snake in the Grass

I've been running around like crazy as the move date bears down. It makes me stressed and tired. Obviously.

I thought I was doing good with preparing for my class. Yes, I have quite a bit done. But I have underestimated how much more has yet to be done. So mild freak out.

Then there's the realization of figuring out what clothes to bring. And other nagging decisions times about 100. Get the oil changed and tires rotated in my car. Get meal ideas in place.

I hate change.

I.
Hate.
It.

While I've gotten a little better at it, I still hate it passionately. I like predictability. Not always sameness (going into work and doing the same thing all day every day sounds like torture), but predictability. I can handle changes in plans, as long as they're announced in advance.

My brain is in la-la land, trying to chase away these thoughts. I know that turning to Ed right now would help. I never slip in a conscious sort of way, as in "I'm feeling stressed, therefore I won't eat because it would help." Rather it's a physiological response to stress, an odd endorphin-type response that sometimes I feel I have no control over.

At first, though, I do. There's a point at which I become too starved and frankly insane and literally can't choose, but I can learn to tell Ed to go sod off. He's always there, though, like the teacher in the Snoopy cartoons going "wah wah wah wah wah" blathering on about nothing but I still know he's there. Waiting. Waiting for any signs of weakness, any slight indication that my guard might be down.

I'm tired of keeping my guard up. Not in the I-want-to-give-up sort of way, but in the this-is-freaking-hard-work sort of way. Wouldn't it be nice to let my guard down? To just sit back and take a couple of breaths? I want to know when I'll get there, if I'll get there.

I do, however, continue to have faith in my recovery. I really do.

But damn wouldn't a break be nice.

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11 comments:

Thomas said...

I'm so right there with you on the "hate change" level. Predictability and plans are my bread and butter. Spontaneous is OK, so long as there is structure to support it. That sounds like a contradiction, I know...

Also, with your move to Baltimore drawing near: Would love to meet you when you are out here, if you have time. I think you have contact info for me? My wife is also into jewelry making, so if you might enjoy a partner in crime... er, crafting :) Let me know!

disordered girl said...

Ugh, I know that feeling of just wanting to give in because you are TIRED of fighting.

Keep the faith, girl. You are worth it.

Jeanne said...

You'll get there, carrie! I believe in you.

Remember to take lots of deep breaths. And remember everything doesn't need to be finished for your class right off the bat - as long as you have a plan for the first few classes, you can always plan for later ones. [My mom, a former math teacher, once told me that she was literally one class ahead of the kids she was teaching. It was when the "New Math" was being introduced so she needed to learn it along with the kids.]

You aren't alone, carrie!

Remember to take care of you first. Everything else will get down eventually. ;-)

[It's what I keep telling myself, anyway - and it seems to work.]

Kirsten said...

That endorphin aspect is what can make recovery challenging. Our bodes get so used to the reactions that are associated with safety and discomfort, fight or flight, but because we're beings with a higher mind, we observe those feelings as well as feeling them. (Geesh, gets so existential and complicated.) So it is hard, but you're doing well.

samsi77 said...

I think that the fans of Carrie need to start a Go Carrie Cheer squad. I totally understand that distain for change and disruption of routine with lack of predictability and at risk of sounding overly optimistic I suppose it also has potential for adventure and all kinds of opportunities. I am so excited for you and know deep down you are going to soar out in Baltimore. Have faith in you, yourself and your recovery and know that you have many people on your side, theres strength in numbers and we are all with you ready, willing & able to kick ED's ass if and when needed, YOU GO CARRIE!!!!

carrie said...

Thomas,

Crime, crafting, same difference. And I get your contradiction with spontanaity- it's fine as long as I can plan it.

DG,

It's not so much that I want to give up, because I don't. And it's the realization that I can't back down that has me tired. Maybe a tad discouraged- when will it get easier?

Jeanne,

I have the first 2 units pretty well mapped out, so that way if things go amiss for the last 2 units, I won't be utterly screwed and have to re-write everything. And I am definitely learning along with my students!

Kirsten,

I get what you're saying. Can't explain how or why, but I get it.

Sam,

Please do not put on a polyester skirt, okay? That's a little over the top. ;)

samsi77 said...

How about a pair of poms, minus the poly mini skirt and inappropriate top? lol

carrie said...

Poms are fine. Poms I can handle. The S-P-E-L-L-I-N-G of words has to go with the skirt.

Willow said...

I understand the "I hate change" thing too... but that being said, I'm glad you're moving to my side of the continent! I'm greatly looking forward to meeting you when you get here.

Also, per my latest blog entry, I'm collecting musical recommendations...

please send me your fave recovery-related, or just general favorite tunes (artist name & song title will suffice) to willowinthewindsrecovery @ gmail dot com

Thanks, and never give up. We still have to have that "throw Ed out the window" party. I have a few buddies here now who would be happy to help.

Sarah said...

The only thing I hate more than when things change is when things stay the same.

This is going to be awesome. You're going to (metaphorically, please) burn that town DOWN.

GO CARRIE!!!!!

*shakes poms*

mary said...

Change is hard for all of us. We get so comfy with what's familiar even if we know it doesn't work for us.
You know that no matter what else you do with your life that you and ED have to part ways IF you are to have the best life possible.
Your recovery matters to me and to your family and friends. So much energy is wasted fighting this when accepting ourselves is energy restoring. Allow yourself to be well. Allow yourself to think of more important things!(as Arial does!) Allow yourself to let go of that worthless self centered egotistical creep once and for all.His mirror is broken and distorted and if you give him any attention he'll stick to your shoes like the worst smell ever. You don't have to entertain him anymore and you really don't want to bring him with you when you begin your new life adventure.
Plan on making mistakes and being ok with it. Plan on using new ways to cope that you can soon recognize as 'easy' ways to be. You deserve this.
hurray for you!

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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Have any questions or comments about this blog? Feel free to email me at carrie@edbites.com



nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote



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