Patterns of thought

I keep trying to think of some sort of respectable blog post besides "zzzzzzz...OMG new revelation!...zzzzzzzz...zzzzzzzzz."

I'm just incredibly tired. Physically. Which doesn't put me in the greatest place mentally. It's interesting how that works. I'm not feeling depressed per se. But because my last bout with depression involved severe insomnia, feeling tired seems to equate depression.

::gets more coffee::

Okay, a little better.

It's just interesting how the pathways in my brain have formed. How one thing becomes associated with another. My lock in my last apartment was backwards- instead of "lefty loosey" it was "lefty lockey." My parents lock is the traditional "lefty loosey," and it still mixes me up. Luckily I'm paranoid about locking the door and triple-checking it and such, so I've yet to not lock the door. I guess one of the small benefits of OCD.

It took me the longest time to realize there was butter sitting on the dinner table at my parents' house. When my mom was in charge of my meals, my bread and such were buttered for me beforehand so I never had to think about it. But not all that long ago, I surveyed the table, and my eyes stopped on the little butter holder thing. It took me the longest time to realize that this little dish had been on the table at every meal, only I hadn't noticed it because buttering my bread was not something that crossed my mind during all of the years of my ED. It had become such a habit that I stopped thinking about it. Who needs such a thing as butter?

I'm having a hard time breaking these habits. I'm a person who does well with habits, rituals, etc. Who's surprised? Anyone? Anyone?

Didn't think so.

I like certainty and security. Anything else freaks the living hell out of me. I'd love to be able to predict the future so I would know what to expect and be able to plan for it in advance.

Only, as with so many other things, life doesn't seem to work that way.

I want to do the little kid foot-stomping and yelling routine. It's not fair! Of course it's not fair, but that's how it is.

I am doing better at dealing with it. A lot better. But I don't ever think it will be second nature. I don't think my brain is set up for that.

It's just one of those realities that I am learning how to face. That I'm learning I can face.

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Jeanne said...

Can't say I am surprised. I'm all about habits and rituals (though I'm not OCD... well, diagnostically anyway.)

I think we'd all like to glimpse the future so we'd have a clue, but what I've found is that by living for the moment, the future is irrelevant. It will come and bring what it may; I'll enjoy it when I get there.

Of course, this is from a woman who is absolutely petrified of pondering too long about the future - makes me think about death and how it is in everyone's future, sooner or later...

Faith said...

Carrie -

I have been on a total foot stomping 4 year old buzz this week. For me, it comes from never being able to say no as a child. Anyway, sometimes I think throwing a tantrum isn't all that bad. I usually end up laughing afterward.


lauren said...

Hell yeah you can face them!!!!
So I'm dying to know if the butter from that small plat made its way to your bread???
I so want to join you in the foot stomping thing, my son did it for the first time last week and I started to cry I was laughing so hard!!!!!.
Have a peaceful day sweetie!
xo Lauren

carrie said...


That's interesting, your comment about glimpsing the future. I'm reading a book on chaos science (I'm a dork, what can I say?) and one of the premises is that if you can predict the future, you will have changed it. Because then you won't know what didn't happen.


Tantrums can definitely be fun.


I still have to think about the butter. I don't get it.

And children stomping their feet is utterly hilarious.

Sarah said...

It's just one of those realities that I am learning how to face. That I'm learning I can face.

And this is one of the really weird things about recovery behaviors to me. I only find out I can do something when . . . I do it. Yet, if I could "just do it," I wouldn't need to be IN recovery. I don't like uncertain outcomes.

Of course, I don't like being ill, either, so what are ya gonna do.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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