I keep trying to think of some sort of respectable blog post besides "zzzzzzz...OMG new revelation!...zzzzzzzz...zzzzzzzzz."

I'm just incredibly tired. Physically. Which doesn't put me in the greatest place mentally. It's interesting how that works. I'm not feeling depressed per se. But because my last bout with depression involved severe insomnia, feeling tired seems to equate depression.

::gets more coffee::

Okay, a little better.

It's just interesting how the pathways in my brain have formed. How one thing becomes associated with another. My lock in my last apartment was backwards- instead of "lefty loosey" it was "lefty lockey." My parents lock is the traditional "lefty loosey," and it still mixes me up. Luckily I'm paranoid about locking the door and triple-checking it and such, so I've yet to not lock the door. I guess one of the small benefits of OCD.

It took me the longest time to realize there was butter sitting on the dinner table at my parents' house. When my mom was in charge of my meals, my bread and such were buttered for me beforehand so I never had to think about it. But not all that long ago, I surveyed the table, and my eyes stopped on the little butter holder thing. It took me the longest time to realize that this little dish had been on the table at every meal, only I hadn't noticed it because buttering my bread was not something that crossed my mind during all of the years of my ED. It had become such a habit that I stopped thinking about it. Who needs such a thing as butter?

I'm having a hard time breaking these habits. I'm a person who does well with habits, rituals, etc. Who's surprised? Anyone? Anyone?

Didn't think so.

I like certainty and security. Anything else freaks the living hell out of me. I'd love to be able to predict the future so I would know what to expect and be able to plan for it in advance.

Only, as with so many other things, life doesn't seem to work that way.

I want to do the little kid foot-stomping and yelling routine. It's not fair! Of course it's not fair, but that's how it is.

I am doing better at dealing with it. A lot better. But I don't ever think it will be second nature. I don't think my brain is set up for that.

It's just one of those realities that I am learning how to face. That I'm learning I can face.