I blogged many moons ago about how TNT encouraged me to try Internet dating.  I even did an interview for Jezebel about my experiences (which was, granted, less than a week after I started and had been on zero dates).

About two months ago, I was getting fed up with the whole thing.  Guys would flake out.  They'd seem to be interested and then fall off the face of the earth.  They wouldn't be the right fit.  My last subscription to Anonymous Dating Site was expiring and I was pissed.  This wasn't cheap and I didn't have much extra cash to begin with. I canceled my subscription and sent my email address to the one guy I had started communicating with.  I wasn't holding my breath.  I was willing to re-think the Internet dating thing, but I was burned out and needed a break.

This burn out was illustrated by the following: I sent my friend Libby a swear-word laden screed about how dating sucked, life sucked, and the whole world could just go suck it.  I dropped enough f-bombs in the one paragraph email that someone might have legitimately investigated me for harboring weapons of mass destruction.

I felt much better after sending that email.

But then the guy from Anonymous Dating Site (I don't mean to be cryptic, but since this is my real name, I get very skittish about privacy stuff.  There are definitely people out there I don't want knowing the intricacies of my life.  So apologies in advance.) contacted me.  And then we went to see The King's Speech*.  The next weekend he came up near me.  Since then, it's been an every weekend thing with J.

He is...totally awesome.  Kind, fun, funny.  He found my blog--can we say Cammy's Awkward Turtles?  But he's asked smart, respectful questions about my eating disorder and, just as importantly, it didn't scare him away. J is considerably more mellow than I am, which is a good thing.  I need some calm and Zen in my life.  Our religious views (or lack thereof) mesh.  It's really nice to have someone like this.

So after sending some hair-raising emails to my friend and nearly venting my spleen at some poor customer service rep at Anonymous Dating Site--I wouldn't have done it, but I must confess I did fantasize a bit--I must conclude that this whole thing has been a success.  It was an emotional roller coaster.  But I've come to accept that I'm not the usual girl and so it would probably take me a while to find a proper partner.  Eventually, though, I did find someone.

*If you haven't seen it, get thee to a movie theater NOW.  Run, don't walk.

So yes. I've mentioned in previous posts that TNT talked me into joining an online dating site, and that the wonderful folks at Jezebel interviewed me about it.

Thus far, the dating thing has been a bit of a disappointment. I went on one date, which led no where. Other than that, I have pretty much zero response. Well, there was the one 52-year-old who contacted me with a message that said "UR Pretty. Wanna go out?" Needless to say, it wasn't that hard to turn that particular offer down, even knowing there weren't any waiting in the wings.

I've pulled back a little bit- I still check my account, but I'm not as...how shall we say...enthused as I was at the beginning. I haven't given up entirely, but I'm feeling more than a bit pessimistic about the whole thing. Part of me is relieved because this dating thing is so damn stressful, and not really from an ED standpoint.

What stresses me out the most about dating is the spending money issues. Long before I restricted food, I restricted spending money. This hasn't been all bad--I have money saved up for a down payment on my first place--but it's more of the mindset that's problematic. I feel tremendously guilty for spending money. Some of you have paid witness to my recent Twitter recriminations about $1 in overdue library fines. I remember going to the mall with my friends in high school, and I almost never bought anything. I had two part-time jobs at the time (in total, I worked about 20 hours a week), so it wasn't like I didn't have the money. But I hated the idea of spending money.

My one area of weakness is books. But other than that...

Dating costs money, and that stresses me out. Yes, money is tight because of my recent transition to full-time freelancing, but it's not the math that's stressing me out. It's the idea of spending money, or doing something different, that really freaks me out. I equate spending money with guilt.

Both of my parents were frugal before it was cool to be frugal, and I know that played into it. But neither of my parents seem to have this guilt-ridden relationship with spending. To me, spending money brings up the same kind of guilt as eating used to.

Dating has thus been a very complicated, interesting process. It's brought up way more issues than I even thought it might. From a recovery standpoint, I'm doing okay (well, based on one date I'm doing okay). That's been the least of my concerns, oddly. But we shall see what happens.