I try to keep this blog positive, even though I don't consider it "inspirational" per se. There's not enough unicorns pooping rainbows for that.
Well, okay, maybe that does make my blog a little more cheery and happy.
I hate using the blog as sort of a whinge to the world. For one, I feel I'm wasting everyone's time. For another, I'm guessing that most of you know all to well the hell of having an eating disorder (or living with someone who does). You don't need me to sit around and remind you of it. I like my posts to have some sort of takeaway message--one that goes beyond "Carrie sure is a cranky thing, eh?"
I am, but that's not the point.
Most of the time, I do some serious cognitive reframing and focus on the positive stuff. If not always happy, at least the how-can-I-grow-flowers-in-the-manure-of-my-life vein.
I'm trying really hard to summon positivity right now, and I just can't do it.
I'm not depressed, just insanely tired. My body is as hypermetabolic as it's ever been, and it's taking a lot out of me. Because I'm sleeping more, more of my awake hours are occupied by work. Although I do try to pencil in relaxation time, it feels less restoring than I need it to be. Which means that, basically, I eat, sleep, and work, in roughly that proportion.
This is the first time I've really done serious refeeding while trying to work full-time, and I'm realizing why it didn't work out so hot previous times. In a way, catching the uptick in ED behaviors sooner has made it harder because my metabolism at least at a hint of life to it, I have more muscle mass, and more body weight--all of which are driving my metabolism upwards. I'm a walking hot water bottle.
I want a break from the constant onslaught of food. I want a break from worrying how the hell I'm going to pay the bills. I want to move into the freezer.
What I really want, though, is a several days long nap.
Adjusting to my new metabolic needs is hard, and I think things will ease up once I get more used to things. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.