An eating disorder has often been described as a metaphorical "crutch." For me, anorexia helped me self-regulate (or self-medicate) my often crippling depression and anxiety. Some of this was the peculiar biological response to starvation unique to eating disorders--not eating altered my brain chemistry and made me feel better. Some of the response was psychological and more related to the meaning I ascribed to my anorexia: that it made me special and unique, that I could tell myself it didn't matter if I screwed up at X because at least I could be good at losing weight, restricting, and exercising. Looking at it through the lens of OCD, self-starvation was a compulsion I used to alleviate the anxiety of, well, pretty much anything.

Some psychologists posit that you are using a "crutch" because you are "hurt" somehow. Although I won't deny that co-morbid conditions are the rule rather than the exception in eating disorders, I don't know that I buy the blanket statement that EDs are some metaphorical way of trying to heal a past hurt. I may have been a little barmy before AN came around, but that doesn't hold a candle to how whacked out my brain and life are now. Yes, the ED made me feel better in profound ways, but I've known people who were very well-adjusted before they got sick.

I guess the best analogy is this: being predisposed to an eating disorder is like being prone to joint and bone problems. There's a greater likelihood that something is going to throw you "off course," either in terms of stress or mood or whatever, and so you're much more likely to find yourself using a crutch, just as someone prone to joint injuries is probably more likely to wind up using crutches at some point.

But the only way to learn how to walk without your crutches isn't really to sit around and ask what is hurting and why and acknowledge that part of you. The only way to walk without crutches is to...walk without crutches. That's not to say that you won't need a lot of support and training to learn how to do this, but the analogy of a psychological hurt to a broken ankle isn't 100% perfect. You do need to stay off of a broken ankle to let the bone heal. In that case, the crutches are serving a good purpose. They're benefiting you. An eating disorder probably has plenty of adaptive functions, but, on the whole, it's hardly benefiting you.

I've broken my ankle, and I found literally learning how to walk without crutches to be bizarre and painful. And perhaps this is where the analogy is the most true. I didn't really need my crutches as my doctor had cleared me to walk. But I still felt like I needed them as much as I never wanted to see the damn crutches again. Similarly, I often felt like I needed the anorexia when, in fact, that was just another ED lie. Recovery is a lot like rehab, in that it involves the repetition of a lot of seemingly basic tasks until my "recovery muscles" are strengthened.

You can't get there, though, unless you ditch the crutches. Understanding why you're using them isn't much use unless you actually stop depending on your crutches. Using actual crutches to let your ankle heal is a legitimate purpose and helps your body heal. Using an eating disorder as an "emotional crutch" might make you feel better, but it's not helping your mind heal. The eating disorder essentially broke your ankle and than gave you crutches to "help" you out- how kind.

Yes, ask for help. Yes, ask for support and a walking buddy and painkillers and all of that. But let go of the crutches.