My appointment with TNT yesterday was at an unusual time (1pm, and she's an hour drive away), so I ended up eating my afternoon snack right after my appointment and had my lunch at about 3:30pm instead. I had driven myself, and it was essentially up to me whether I would eat the snack I had brought with me. I knew I could toss it or hide it or lie about it and no one (except for me) would be the wiser.
I wanted to chuck my snack so freaking badly. Not because I really wanted to restrict, but a) because I could and b) to be a little rebellious. Ultimately, I didn't throw out my snack and ate what I had brought because I was aware that this little stunt would prove a big fat load of nothing.
What I wasn't prepared for was how pathetic and weak I felt by eating my snack.
Yes, yes, I know: I should be proud of how I acted. Maybe I should, but that's not really the point here. I was thrown by how strong the AN "kickback" was for eating something when I didn't "have to" or wasn't being watched. The dialogue in my head went something like this:
Why am I eating this? This is so stupid! Snacks are ridiculous! I am eating way too much as it is. I'm such a wuss, eating when I don't have to or even want to. Isn't that what they tell you on TV- don't eat if you're not hungry? Right? This snack used to be way more than I ate in an entire day, and I was exercising about a trillion times more than I am now. I have gotten so weak. All of this eating has made me weak! I'm so pathetic, all of this eating...
I'm frustrated because I am committed to getting better, and have sacrificed so much to getting that way, that I'm still tormented by these thoughts. I know it's AN thinking, but I have been at a healthy weight (and then some!) for almost 9 months now. You'd think my brain would get the message, no?
TNT is primarily a CBT-oriented therapist, and I know she would want me to slow my thinking down and take a good, hard look at the rationality and usefulness of my thoughts. Some obvious places to start:
- just because I feel pathetic doesn't mean I am pathetic
- eating is necessary for recovery, and it doesn't make me weak
- I eat more now and I also do more now and am happier
- following a meal plan is necessary right now for me
- losing weight and restricting will only lead to relapse, which is something I definitely don't want
But what other solution is there, other than to ignore the thoughts and keep plugging along?