When life gets in the way
The past few days have been tremendously busy for me in terms of my writing gigs. I have several deadlines and I'm attending a conference where I'm busily attending talks, reading articles, and interviewing scientists. To make a long story short, I really haven't had time for my eating disordered thoughts. This isn't to say that the thoughts are gone--wouldn't that be nice if they were!--just that their pull has been noticeably diminished.
The hard part is not letting life get in the way of my recovery. It's hard for me to have so much to do and still budget time for meals and snacks, especially when skipping is such an easy and convenient option. And I'm all giddy that I'm no longer overwhelmed with ED thoughts that I think "I can be normal!" Well, no, not exactly.
I am phenomenally stressed not just because of all I need to get done, but also because all I need to get done is interfering with my rituals (some ED, some not). I have had to shift my schedule to try and get everything done, and I worry about how to fit in my exercise and other stuff. What helps is having something else to focus on, something else that I find just as important as maintaining the status quo. It gives my brain something more interesting to crunch on and distracts me from the endless ED thoughts.
I am busy, I am exhausted, I am stressed, but for once, it has nothing to do with the eating disorder.
3 comments:
Carrie, I think that what you're doing is fantastic. You are exchanging your ED for the real world, despite the real world being stressful. I know you have low self-esteem, but I can tell you that your self doubt is unnecessary. You are so much more than you think you are.
As the 'Queen of Rituals' I fully understand your difficulty of letting go of these. Rituals and routines are what makes life feel to have some predictability and consistancy for those of us who depend upon them. I find new situations really difficult to cope with and I'm trying to cope with such situations right now. My parents are both ill with cancer and I have become something I never expected to be: a carer. I am too tired to think about doing my rituals, yet I feel 'lost' without my normal routine.
Thank you for your very honest post. I have been feeling the same way a lot recently and was starting to think that it was "abnormal" and/or a sign of my slipping. But it's not, and it's reminders like these that help me see that. I always appreciate your willingness to be so open.
I think the important point here is that you recognize that pull to do things like skip meals and snacks out of convenience. You're a step ahead from where you likely were... Thanks for the post.
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