I look forward to this Relapse Prevention programme Carrie...

I can identify with most of the 'Difficulties' you list on this blog post, especially 'loneliness', 'anxiety' and 'dealing with change'. These have always been the primary triggers for my under-eating and over-exercising (which can then lead to weight loss and to relapse back into AN). I therefore look forward to your posts of dealing with these specific issues...

I don't (and have never had) body dysmorphia - in the sense of seeing my body differently to how others see it, or believing that I am too fat when I am not. I don't see my AN has having had anything to do with body dissatisfaction. I would have got stuck in anorexic behaviours regardless of my attitude towards my body shape.

Having said that, I don't especially like my body, which actually IS an odd shape. I am too flat-chested and I have one arm that is wasted at the top (so is thin and puny) caused by a previous shoulder dislocation and collar bone fracture (- in turn caused by falling and fainting when my weight was very low). I find my upper body shape embarrassing in summer when wearing a t-shirt. The shoulder dislocation has also prevented me from playing tennis; a sport I loved as a child.

Clearly, BDD does play a significant role in the development and maintenance of many people's ED. However, I'd be interested to ask you (and any others who might wish to answer) the following question:

If you were totally satisfied with you body shape and size, would you still feel the urge to 'indulge' in ED behaviours?

THIS IS AWESOME!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I've been a reader for a loooong time - I read years ago, stopped, and am now back as of a couple months ago (as I admit to struggling again and am in recovery... again). Ahem. Yes.

I was around in the days of Hungry for Hunger. 'member him? :)

Thank you so much for this series! I am quite excited about it. :) I am particularly hung up on the LONELINESS bit... that seems to get me every time and it's just a bugger. :-/

Great plan for overcoming body dysmorphia! It's so helpful to be 'prepared' for these things when they come up!

Dana xo
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

"Remind myself: Losing weight won't solve anything. The ED is a short-term solution to a long-term problem"

This, essentially, is one of the main things that motivates me to stay in recovery. It's not exactly the same thing, but when I was ill I saw losing weight as the solution to all my problems - it calmed my anxiety, provided an outlet for my obsessiveness, distracted me from traumatic memories, and stabilised my moods. What I didn't take into account was that all of those problems were merely being postponed, not solved, and the longer I stayed ill, the more psychological difficulty I would have to deal with in the future. When I finally had to learn to deal with my anxiety it was pure torture at first, and still is sometimes. I feel now though that it is a small price to pay for escaping the zombified state I was in when I was anorexic though.

I like your lists :) another way in which obsessiveness can be applied in recovery - list making is therapeutic when it's on a recovery related topic!

Cathy,

I would guess that even if BDD weren't an issue, I would still feel urges to engage in ED behaviors. Part of the reason I chose the body dysmorphia as my example of the lists I made was that it had the widest range of different "plans."

For me, the BDD is also a way to "justify" eating disorder behaviors and make them seem less problematic. Not that it's not real, but it usually doesn't get me in too much trouble relapse-wise unless I'm also struggling with depression, anxiety, etc.

Does that make sense?

"If you were totally satisfied with you body shape and size, would you still feel the urge to 'indulge' in ED behaviours?"

Also chiming in on this question...

I've been recovered (for all intents and purposes) for a long time, and I've even reached the point where I can even go on intentional diets without triggering myself into serious relapses. But I've found that whenever I reach my goal weight on a diet, I feel very disappointed. Because being thin was never really the point, at least not the whole point. The process of losing weight was. I've even found myself tempted to binge for a couple weeks and gain some weight, just so I'd have something to lose before hitting my self-imposed "don't go below this or you're in dangerous relapse territory" barrier weight.

Thanks for the clarification Carrie and Melissa. I guess I have been wondering what the 'common denominators' are amongst people with and without body dysmorphia who aslo have EDs...

What I have noticed is that almost all people I have ever met with an ED (or history of EDs) 'use' ED behaviours to control mood, emotions - and especially anxiety. They (we) also find ED behaviours 'satisfying' in one way or another (which is kind of masochistic). I certainly did. As Katie so accurately describes: anorexia 'zombifies' us. Yet, there is also a strange sense of achievement or mastery from being skilled at ED behaviours.

I have now been in recovery approx. 2 years, but whenever anything goes wrong, or causes me great anxiety, I still have to fight the urge to restrict and to exercise myself to smithereens. The only thing that deters me when in that state of mind is the fear of another heart attack or seizure...

Cathy,

You said: "What I have noticed is that almost all people I have ever met with an ED (or history of EDs) 'use' ED behaviours to control mood, emotions - and especially anxiety. They (we) also find ED behaviours 'satisfying' in one way or another (which is kind of masochistic). I certainly did. As Katie so accurately describes: anorexia 'zombifies' us. Yet, there is also a strange sense of achievement or mastery from being skilled at ED behaviours."

Yes, yes, YES!

For me, the body dysmorphia causes a tremendous amount of anxiety- I've often compared "feeling fat" with "feeling contaminated" in my OCD thoughts. The resulting behaviors are meant to neutralize that anxiety. Often the other anxieties in my life trigger thoughts of "feeling fat," which then spur on ED behaviors. But I continued many of my draconian regimes even when I knew they weren't affecting (and wouldn't really affect) my weight because they did neutralize things beyond the anxieties about my weight/shape.

Thanks Carrie... Interesting you associate 'feeling fat' with OCD-related feelings of 'contamination'...

I have often associated eating per se with feeling 'contaminated'... My OCD is worse now that I eat better. It's as though I have unconsciously replaced food and eating rituals with cleaning rituals.

That's how I know that so many of my problems stem from an ever raging anxiety (that my mother tells me I was born with!).

These are VERY HELPFUL!!!

must journal...