It is often said that 'anorexia nervosa is all about wanting to be thin, or fear of getting fat.'

Yet, your recent posts, which I have very much enjoyed and identified with, have emphasised that AN is about so much more than that, and if anything, not so much about 'weight' or 'fat' at all. (But please tell me if my interpretation is inaccurate...)

Even if what triggers food restriction at the outset is a desire to lose a bit of weight, what traps the person in that restriction is a mixture of anxiety avoidance, compulsive behaviour, obsessional thinking, defining oneself, competition with oneself or others, sticking to self created rules etc.

I also struggle with the 'cake thing' (and eating out of the norm). I know that tasting a morsel of a food that is outside of my usual repetoire won't make me fat, or give me the desire to eat (e.g.) 10 cakes all at once, but I am frightened of breaking my rules - because of the accompanying anxiety.

So what I am scared of, and running away from, is my emotions. I am avoidant in practice - because I am trying to avoid difficult emotions.

I hope you and your parents enjoyed the cupcakes :)

Oops, I just found (to my horror) that accidentally typed my youtube webpage incorrectly in the above post. The correct link is on this post.

For some reason this made me think of the film Yes Man...I found that the eating disorder seemed to give me unlimited usage of the word no, and recovery has helped me discover how to say yes and embrace all the new opportunities that this brings :-) Yes is a nice word.

Sarah x

Very true and it isn't just about food at all. The rules and overpowering 'no! no ! no!' is there all the time casting doubt over everything - I'm trying to say 'yes' or 'why not?' more and more and ultimately that does bring more exciting opportunitis and enjoyment to life.

Yes is indeed a very nice word.

"It is hard for me to want things- it triggers all sorts of feelings that I'm greedy and selfish."

Truth.

Very easy for me to relate to, as I've written about this many times myself. It's not just a food restriction, but rather a restriction on enjoying just about everything--food, social activity, happiness, sex, professional satisfaction, etc. I think I somehow felt virtuous being able to say "no" to things when others obviously couldn't control themselves by indulging (sarcasm here).

I think I slowly have to learn that I'm no different from anyone else in that I deserve to want pleasurable things without "earning" them or compensating for indulging. There is nothing virtuous about being deprived...of anything.

I completely agree. Saying "no" to food led to saying "no" to so many other things. Obviously my health, but also my friends, my family, my academic career, my job, my enjoyment of life. It's time to start saying "yes" to all those things, and allow myself to embrace them without any guilt. It's not about the food or the weight... it is so, so much more.

Thanks for your posts. I identify with them so much. You are incredible... keep up the hard work. It's so worth it.

I love your insight! :)
Maddi
xxx

Completely relate to the imagining eating but not imagining yourself eating part of this. Your insight is so astute.

Maybe the first step is imagining yourself eating them, or it's certainly something that I'm going to try!

I also agree with the notion of saying Yes and, co-incidentally blogged on Yes Man film a few weeks ago. Not normally a big movie fan, but maybe there's something in watching it?!!

I've written about this same topic on my blog, and the theme over and over again, is about needing too much, wanting too much, all in all being too much. I too am constantly saying no, especially at work. Yesterday there was a buffet in the teacher's lounge for lunch, and everyone kept asking me to come and eat, but I had already had my boost for lunch. I'm afraid for people to see me eat, exactly for the reasons you mentioned...being too greedy. I hope to, that one day we will be able to shrug our shoulders and say yes:)

Take care<3

Oooh for me "wanting" something is a big deal... if I choose it and I have a moderate control over my desire for something that is fine, but if I really really WANT it... oh boy not good. I also really struggle with spending money on me, on food on anything for me that isn't for someone else... I often feel like I waste things, time, energy, money, body.. that I must make the best investment of my resources and given that I can't know the outcomes of things, I usually end up saying "no" and trying to decide at a later time.

Very interesting idea I think, very relevant to me :)

I've seen that one of the biggest parts of recovery is daring to say "yes" (and, it does feel like it's "daring," for sure). Like you, my anorexia is all about "no." I avoid food, invitations, anything. Now, I find myself saying "yes" with more frequency. It's a general embracing of life, which anorexia combats directly. I also have a hard time wanting anything. I've always been baffled by people who say they "can't resist" something. I can resist anything. My problem has never been denying myself, unfortunately. I think the first thing is to start saying "yes" more. That probably leads to genuine wanting.

I've been in recovery for a while and now that I'm kind of reacclimating I've been trying to think of how to explain the disease when it comes up in conversation. I think avoidance may have been the biggest part of it for me, as having to reacclimate proves! I used it to have this tunnel-vision focus to shrink my world down from overwhelming as I was avoiding grieving the most traumatic event of my life. I was even avoiding reacclimating afterward! I appreciate the helpful realizations that your blog inspires for me (not surprisingly, I've also tended to avoid getting in touch with my own feelings) so thanks for the inspiration, and keep at it! I have to remind myself that it's usually worth it to say yes to more than just what's comfortable! This reminded me of the movie "Yes Man" too haha :)