Carrie, I have recently read so many blogs and watched so many videos that address the issue of gaining independence during/after recovery from anorexia nervosa (AN) - and yours reads more-or-less the same as others. The dilemma seems to relate to differentiating between what we feel we 'should' be doing vs. what we actually want to do. There's also the issue of what is best for our health.

AN holds us back in some aspects of our lives, and perhaps in part we actually become anorexic because we find the developmental process of separation and individuation difficult. That was certainly the case with me.

I decided to get my own place when I was 24 yrs old. Prior to that I had been studying away from home for 3 yrs at university (post-grad and PhD). I was actively anorexic and unable to join in with the student social life. This was in part my ASD; I was frightened of the social scene and couldn't make sense of it. My AN was a useful 'excuse' in my mind to avoid social integration. When I got my own house I relapsed even more because I had no-one 'breathing down my neck'.

I have my own place now, but I constantly have people 'on hand'. My parents live close by, I have three very close friends and I see my therapist regularly. Without this support I'm not sure that I would make such effort to stay on track. If my anxiety and depression got the better of me I could easily 'default' into AN again.

That's just my personal experience. It doesn't necessarily apply to others.

carrie, this recovery business is certainly a tricky one isn't it? so many roads untravelled, so many crossroads and so many choices....

sometimes i wish i could just live in the moment and let it all just "be"....

good luck this week and well done on all the goals you have achieved to date!

thanks also for the tip re: writing for the new textbook by june alexander, some months ago.
xx

I'm in the same position at the moment. I'm 25, living with my parents, been maintaining my weight for months and I really want to move out. Problem being, both times I've moved out in the past I've relapsed. This was partly because once I got to a healthy weight I would start thinking that it didn't really matter if I used ED behaviours to keep a handle on my anxiety, because if I wasn't at my lowest then it wasn't a problem, I was on top of things. Obviously it didn't work like that, ED behaviours have a habit of escalating! I'm aware of how vigilent I need to be now, how seriously I need to take the eating disorder and how long it will take before I am less vulnerable to relapse. But despite the more sensible attitude, being physically recovered and trying to become a functioning member of society again is incredibly frustrating and I have to work really hard to stop myself from becoming depressed about how slowly I'm taking things. Thank you for writing this, it helps to know that this is a normal thing that people in recovery go though :)

The push and pull effect is hard. I think there are many of us that never thought we'd be where we are now, still dealing with the eating disorder many years later.

The difference is, or at least a trend I'm maybe seeing, is that we understand ourselves better. We begin to figure out what works and what doesn't and get to a point where we seem to be more proactive.

I think when you feel fully steady on your feet, knowing that you feel completely ready--there won't be any questions for you on moving out. There will always be an aspect of fear, but gaining the confidence you can stay in recovery while independent will be the deciding factor I think. Talking to your tx team is a good step in finding this out.

I have no wise words, but I do have [hugs]. I do maintain that we all get to where we need to be when we need to be there. 30...31? Big difference? Not really. Sick...healthy? Very big difference. More [hugs].

I'm at a similar place in my recovery, weight restored and trying to figure out what to do next. I am living with my mom and I too find myself really wanting to move out and get a place of my own. And I too have trouble separating what I think I "should" be doing (i.e. not living with my mother at age 26) and what I want to do (get a place of my own, start a life that doesn't involve ED). Thanks for sharing. It's good to know I'm not the only one trying to work through this.

I'm 28 and lived with my mom until last year when I bought a house. For me, she was often a part of the stress/trigger as much as she was part of the solution, so it was kind of a catch-22 in that case. However, things didn't just "get better" once I moved out (four miles away, mind you), as now I DON'T have that accountability and can do whatever I want when I want.

For so long I did the "shoulds" because of my situation at home, but really, Amy's comment hit it right on the head. It's what you need right now and it's working for you, so screw it. Who cares? There are certainly times I wish I was back at home, wish I had that accountability and yet lack of total responsibility, etc.

The thing to remember though, is that wherever you go, there you are. We can pretend to move on, but until we're truly ready to let go of everything and take care of ourselves, it doesn't matter if we're living at home, on our own or in a hospital. Do what works for you and screw the "shoulds."

Having just sent my daughter off to college, not really where she needs to be, I find this post very moving, Carrie. After many difficult months we've agreed to give her a chance to take the next step in her recovery while at college. It goes against all my instincts, and I am preparing myself for failure as well as success. Either way, I think it's a necessary step along the way.

I wish I could point her toward your blog. But she's not in a place where she would want to read it.

I'm proud of you and the wisdom you've acquired so hard over these years. Your thoughtfulness, perceptiveness, and articulateness give hope to lots of other people.

Carrie,

Sort of an unrelated question - how did you get on WellSphere? Do you have to re-post your posts on there? Or is there a way to somehow link them up?

In other news - I have been following your blog for some time now, and now have my own. You can find it at www.thighsandofferings.blogspot.com. It's a work in progress, but I'm trying to get some readers/commenters on board to help me with the beginning days!

Kate, I think you can sign up to be on Wellsphere. You'll have to join, and I think there's a part where you can link to your blog. I'm not sure- I did this about two years ago now. I got an email invite when the website was ramping up its blogs, but I know you don't need an official invite to participate. I don't post my blog posts to Wellsphere separately- they have everything syndicated from my Blogger feed here, so it's super easy. I'd never remember to post everything twice!

I will definitely check out your blog- thanks for sharing.

Carrie