I'm done. With school.
::insert cheer here::
And I'm sitting here, after spending my Friday night alone (as I do most Friday nights), wondering now what?
I knew that nothing was going to change when I handed in my thesis to the library book bindery today. They guy said "congratulations" and I went to my last class and that was it. Which was anti-climactic to say the least. Now I can truthfully write "Carrie, MA, MPH" after my name and nothing else has changed. I have the same issues, the same pitfalls, the same bizarre fits of creativity.
So now what?
I have been waiting for my life to start, well, all my life. After high school. After college. After I get a job. After I get my Master's degree. After I recover. After after after. It's my ten year high school reunion sometime soon, which makes a decade of afters. And no, I'm not going. I've kept in contact with the two people I actually liked, and the rest don't stir any feelings of nostalgia and longing.
I want to say, "What are you waiting for, Carrie?" What am I waiting for? I feel like I've been muddling through for so long, trying to manage all of my mental illnesses/brain diseases, that I have to kind of prioritize my needs. Think Maslow's hierarchy. If I'm struggling to make it through the day, to feed myself, to sleep, to not anxiously tap my leg off my freaking body, then things like enjoyment and self-actualization are probably not going to make it in my to-do list. Yet I know that enjoying myself and finding something pleasurable are important and can lead to improvements in eating, sleeping, and anxiety.
I think I feel some odd sort of internal pressure now, knowing that I can't put everything off any longer. School is over. I know I didn't go to grad school deliberately to put things off. And I did learn a lot this year and it wasn't as hellish as my other school experiences have been. But now there's just me and my life, and I haven't the slightest clue what I'm going to do.
I had free time tonight, and after picking some things up around my apartment, I essentially sat and stared at the wall. I don't know how to deal with free time. It baffles me. So what am I going to do with an entire life?
I suppose I don't need to be in a huge hurry to answer that question. I will find out soon enough. Nor do I need to fill an entire life. I have a lifetime in which to fill it. I'm trying to ask myself what I would like to do right here, right now.
I don't know the answer to that.
I know getting some quality rest is (or should be) up there. Ditto for enriching the inventory for my Etsy shop, Frenchroast Designs. And scraping off the whatever-it-is that is crusted on the top of my stove.
Other than that? I guess I'll have to wait and see.