Note to Self

Dear Carrie,

I'm writing this letter to you for when you are hearing Ed's voice. Loud. Very loud. I know that every fiber of your being and every neuron in your brain is fighting your desire to read this note and renew your commitment to recovery, so even if you get no further in this note, you are being very very strong.

Ed tells you so many false and unkind things- that you are fat and worthless and lazy. That you will never accomplish anything so you may as well be the best as starving and exercising. That being thin is the only thing you can ever achieve. You know this isn't true. You have kept up a blog for almost a year and a half. You have a kitty to love and who loves you back. Even if you accomplish nothing else in your life, you have this.

You could, of course, go back to your eating disorder. There's not really a whole lot stopping you. But where will that get you? Will you be any happier? Any more fulfilled? Any more you? Anorexia is not unique; it makes you sick, not special. Even if you don't like what you see in the mirror, remember that you never did. Remember the cost of going back to the eating disorder, and not just in cost of treatment. The cost to yourself, your body, your spirit. Your friends and family.

You may always feel some level of anxiety and depression. I can't predict the future, but it's certainly possible. Anorexia does make them fade- but only temporarily. They come back. You can figure out a way to get through whatever it is. As surprising as it seems, you have people who care about you and who are there to help.

Recovery is on the other side of this hell. You just have to keep going through the hell to get there.


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disordered girl said...

Excellently said.

You can get through this. You can.

Anonymous said...

"Recovery is on the other side of this hell. You just have to keep going through the hell to get there."

Yes. The only way out is through. Hang in there, Carrie. *hugs*

mary said...

Keep going Carrie! Read the whole thing and recommit to recovery.
That negative voice is nothing but lies from a liar. YOU KNOW THIS! Stick with what you know. I don't want you to stand around entertaining this jerk, I want you to run and do what you know you have to do to get yourself through hell. Either think good thoughts...I love me!...I am...or don't think. Any voice or thoughts that belittle you are the enemy. Kinda makes it easy to recognize the loser, eh?
Put on your cape. Use your tools....get those nutrients in you and eat WITH us. NOW.
Whatever you think you must prove or do is not worth all the hard work you've done thus far.
Sometimes life hurts but it gets better again. You know this too. Trust it.
And you are right, you have those of us care very much about you. You have phone numbers too so USE THEM anytime you need to.
/********love and healing

Harriet said...

Hang in there, Carrie. It gets better. A LOT better. You've had a stressful year. I'm so proud of you for pushing yourself on all fronts. Your next lesson: To give yourself props. If you can really learn to do that, Ed will seem far less appealing.

Anonymous said...

Great letter Carrie. Please know that you have lots of people cheering you on.

marcella said...

As others have said, great letter - in the words of one of my message board heroes, keep on keeping on.

Tracey said...

Dearest Carrie-

You are so brave to open up and reach out-- a courageous warrior to combat the vindictive and malicious ED-- you CAN do it!

Keep your words:

"You can figure out a way to get through whatever it is"

posted close and reread/remind yourself just how damn stong you truly are my dear... say YES to yourself not the ED.

"Sometimes it happens that we receive the power to say yes to ourselves, that peace enters into us whole, that self-hate and self-contempt disappear, and that our self is reunited with itself. Then we can say that grace has come upon us."
- Paul Tillich

Luv and Warmest of cyber ((Hugs))
XO- Tracey

carrie said...

I feel like I'm in some sort of 1950s Hollywood horror flick right now- "Attack of the Moms!" Run for your lives!!!!! :)

Am I struggling? A bit. But I'm *not* anywhere near crisis mode- that leaves me incapable of forming sentences. It was more of a reminder to myself in case things did get more hairy in the next bit as I attempt to write about 40 pages in the next month, plus a gigantic project due two weeks after that.

With Aria, though, things are *always* hairy. And that's the way it should be.

Thank you for your concern- it really does mean a lot to me. And Aria will rest easier knowing there will be someone else to keep me in line. If you try to lick my eyebrows, however, I may start to object.

Carrie /*******

Laura Collins said...

A beautiful letter. May the recipient not need it, and you extend it to others in their turn.

Anonymous said...

"Attack of the Moms" LOL! You know we can't help it.

A:) said...

Hey Carrie,

Wishing you the best on your paper -- Don't let the ED become a way to numb yourself from stress:)

I can relate to where you are. This letter is awesome. It made me feel less ashamed of picking myself back up after some struggles.


Tracey said...

Hey... I am a '60's babe! ;)

I think when ED hits anyone close to home you are changed profoundly from that moment on.

Good to know that you are aware of the pressure you're under academically and taking the steps to gauge yourself accordingly and in healthy terms.

I'll pass on licking your eyebrows though, leave that to Aria.

Best wishes on your paper!


Jeanne said...

Absolutely. The only way out is through. It's never an easy way, but the rewards are worth it.

You are NOT ALONE, carrie! Definitely not alone.

thinking of you with lots of love and support,

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About Me

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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