An Anniversary of Sorts...

It's official: I've been weight-restored for a year now. I don't have an exact date, as I bounced around in and out of the bottom of my range for a bit, gaining and losing the same pound for almost a month. But my family and I pushed on, and I gained the last few pounds.

It's been a year.

I've fallen out of range every now and again, most seriously this past December. My anxiety- already through the roof from end of term stress- soared as my weight slid through the bottom. I was never more than 5 pounds under range. I gained the weight back over winter break while in New Zealand, and i have pretty much stayed in range since.

Do I feel better? Sometimes.
Do I hate being at a healthy weight? Sometimes.
Do I ever wish I could start losing weight again? Sometimes.
Do I ever feel okay with my body? Sometimes.
Do I ever seriously contemplate going back? Never.

Take heart. There is hope. I am not all better. Weight restoration was the first step- but only the first. I've been ill for eight years now, and a lot of damage must be reversed. A lot of really bad habits must still be broken. I need to relearn how to interact with the world as a healthy 27-year-old woman, not a fragile, desperately ill anorexic. I also need to figure out ways to deal with my underlying problems of mood and anxiety.

But that is the difference between then and now: I can work on them. There's actually a point to it.

No amount of weight gain will get rid of the depression* and OCD. I'm still not the greatest at dealing with them. It's hard. And I don't know that they will ever go away. But I have a starting point now.

*Is it depression? Is it bipolar disorder? Some sort of variant in between? No one knows.

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Anonymous said...


Thank you for opening up your very powerful and personal life-journey, Carrie!

You continually amaze and inspire with your sharp, witty and vibrant words smack in the face of something as devastating as an ED.

I'm both happy for you in terms of how far you've come in your own recovery, but also take added optimism in knowing that individuals such as yourself put to task naysayers and compounded negative statistics of only the most disheartening cases of ED's... without much in between, or how the other half are just doing-very-well-thank-you-very-much!

Not trivializing ANY of what you have gone through as being easy or without it's most challenging moments, as you so honestly remind us with in your posts. Life never is one straight happy-go-lucky path no matter what knocks at our door.

Voices such as yours are vital and important to not only joyously celebrating your triumphs and continued passion for living your Life, pursuing your dreams and interests; but they significantly counteract the absolutism of dismal doom that many sufferers may feel trapped in and/or the sense of despair and loss of hope many families may feel for their loved one.

Thank You for continuing to be that Spunky and Powerful Voice of both humor, wit and Reason. I honor you and send continued Wishes of Health & Happiness on Your Journey of Life.

Luv- *Tracey

Hope said...

Sending Happy Anniversary wishes your way! And may you celebrate many more.

You never cease to amaze me with your strength, wisdom, compassion and your gift of touching others.

I'm one proud and very lucky Mom!!

Love and Hugs to you.

grey said...

I've never posted here before, so maybe I should start by saying that I think your blog is great ;-)

Second: How interesting is it that your anniversary post appears around the same time as your Survivor's Guilty entry? My "anniversaries" are always bitter sweet. There are the "I have come so far... years ago I would have never imagined that there would be so much in my life" thoughts... and then there is also some remorse. I think it's because the eating disorder was such a big part of my life (and still is, to some degree), and anniversaries make it feel so distant. And passing time makes it seem... less significant.

But yes, happy anniversary -- I can only imagine how much richer your life is this year.

mary said...


You're an amazing young woman and I am honored to know you. You made it look easy somehow, only whined a little and only needed a few wand taps. /*****

Anonymous said...

Carrie, this is wonderful.

So you are not at the bottom of your range? -- that is a good thing I think and I'm happy for you. Too many people who claim to be "recovered" maintain barely acceptable BMI's. I hate that.

I'm in my 4th month of weight restoration now. It feels different as I have been underweight for so long. Things to get used to.


Unknown said...

Happy Anniversary,Carrie.

I wish more people grokked what you describe so well: that finding and maintaining one's real body composition is incredibly hard BUT NOT THE END of the work. It is the vantage point from which one can see one's life from all angles - and then devise one's unique life.

As you've said before - it is MUCH more difficult and complex than we often give sufferers credit for. That is why I admire you and my daughter and other recovering people so much!

Anonymous said...

Happy Anniversary Carrie -

And all the very best to come

Fiona Marcella said...

Happy Anniversary - and well done, both for maintaining that wonderful achievement and for describing so well how hard it is.

KC said...

congratulations! you're inspiring

Tiptoe said...


Yeah, for the one year anniversary. I think this is just another step in your journey.

I'm always amazed at how far you have come.

samsi77 said...

Happy and Healthy belated anniversay wished. You have worked very hard for and towards your ongoing recovery and now are walking the walk and talking the talk. You are a remarkable and amazing lady Carrie! Forward forever, Backwards never!

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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