All Aboard the USS Anxiety!

My foot is trying to tap itself off my leg. I'm quite peeved about this. I want it to stop, I try to get it to stop, but then it starts right back up again.

I'm just stressed in general. I'm having grade issues with my students (which is all I'm saying lest one of them somehow finds this blog) and I have 3 interviews tomorrow for my new article. Which actually has a chance of going somewhere, so that's good. Unlike the rest of my stories, one of which is in article purgatory. That one is trying to burn off its sins so that the lovely people at the Johns Hopkins Magazines will like it, publish it, and then pay me for it. The rest? They're swimming with the fishies in the harbor.


I interrupted my writing for a few minutes to do some quality pacing. Am I going batty? If you do go insane, isn't the very nature of insanity that you really don't know you've lost your grip on reality? I mean, if you know you're delusional, then you really can't be super delusional because then you know that you're not seeing reality.

This is a question that needs lots of coffee, lots of hallucinogens, or, preferably, both.


Now I am surrounded by a stack of drafts to grade, which isn't my idea of fun. Actually, I don't know of anyone who would find this fun. I'm skipping Grey's Anatomy to grade papers. This is a revolting turn of events. Though, truth be told, I'm only not watching it because you can see the episodes online starting tomorrow.

Then again, when you really get down to it, I'm blogging, not grading.

I'm going to NYC for the day tomorrow, for a class field trip. This is the more fun parts about grad school. Field trips are much more fun. Our class (all 5 of us) are meeting with the editor in chief of Discover magazine. So do the publishing dance for me and maybe I can convince him to publish my latest story. I know it won't happen tomorrow, but still.

This also means I might want to consider wearing makeup. Guess I better look at the directions, huh?


I'm really pissed at the moment that I have to spend so much of my time focusing on recovery. I mean, my classmates will pick up Chinese takeout, while I'll be watching and thinking "Don't you know how much fat and calories and sodium that has?" And they do this, day after day after day. It took me almost half an hour to pick out a breakfast cereal last week because I couldn't find one that was on sale*, that I would actually eat (I don't do sugary kids cereals because I get hungry too quickly), and that was also "healthy." I had a total meltdown. The "healthy" ones weren't on sale, and I didn't have coupons. So I tried to determine whether an additional 25 cents in price was worth saving 10 calories per serving, or adding 15 calories per serving, but also adding 3 grams of fiber.

So, yeah, while they're applying for internships, I'm trying to find something to put milk on every morning.

I really hate this, you know?

It's cereal. Why can't I buy what I want and just get on with it? But no- it has to be the perfect combination of price, taste, and health. The taste part is a good thing. I learned a long time ago that it's easier not to get anything at all, than to only get something you know you're not going to eat. And I know that not having anything is what the therapists call Really Bad, so I get something. But then there are all of these other really asinine factors that take so long to figure out.

That's just cereal. There are plenty of other things I buy, too. Many of them I end up buying the same thing, week in and week out, just because it is easier, and they go on sale regularly.

I must get some rest. Tomorrow is a long day.

*This was the 11th Commandment in my house: Thou shalt not buy ANYTHING unless it is on sale. As much as I talk about Ben and Jerry's, I only had one pint growing up. It was deemed too expensive and a waste of money. Seriously. So supermarket shopping naturally brings up its own share of guilt on top of the "OMG I have to buy food!"

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Hope said...

So sorry that you are so stressed out...not easy, I know. I hope your trip tomorrow will be fun and relieve some of that anxiety. Don't let ED determine what kind of cereal or ice cream you buy. Take the control back from that loser. You deserve better.

I'm here for you...let me know how I can be of support. Reach out to your lifelines!!

Sending lots of hugs,

Libby said...

Sending hugs and hope that tomorrow (today at this point) is a much less anxious day.

I totally get the "on sale" thing. A big thing that helps me there is shopping at Trader Joe's. You've got those up there in Baltimore, right? Nearly everything there is good for you. Almost everything in the store is organic, and there's no high fructose corn syrup in sight. There's lots of tasty stuff (though a lot of it is different brands than in most stores, so you kind of have to experiment at first to see what you like). And it's mostly much cheaper than most regular grocery stores. Plus the stores are small, so it doesn't overwhelm me like Giant can. Ed hates it, but I do about 90% of my shopping there. There's no excuse for getting whatever cereal I want!

Have fun in NYC tomorrow!!

mary said...

I like a good sale too but sometimes I pay the difference if the sale week is off. It's a great week to buy a turkey! hehehe
I think you ought to make a conscious effort to buy yourself some sumptuous treat, each week, practicing the art of appreciation. You can share it or keep it for yourself but do it.
I almost quit a subbing job because I was handed a stack of papers to grade by a teacher....grrrrrrr Is there a river nearby in which you can deposit them? Maybe make some paper boats? JUST KIDDING CARRIE! Don't listen to me.
Not so much coffee though, it will keep that tapping leg going. Either that or someone put a spell on you and you can't stop dancing.
One more thing. Listen to this. Take your vitamins that help the best right now. Magnesium can be calming. Omega oil..b complex.
You need to put and keep recovery first and foremost. Look how far you've come. You know how to walk around that hole in the road now. Listen to the part of you that knows exactly what to do. Honor yourself. It's your first duty.
/***** the nag : )

Faith said...

Carrie - Yuck. Sorry about the stress. Was there something going on besides the cereal when you were at the market? After all, sometimes a box of cereal is not just a box of cereal.

Hope you enjoy NYC!


mary said...

You'll be so close....well 2 hours away.
Good luck and try to have some fun. Fingers crossed./******

Sarah said...

I hope you had a good trip and are feeling more calm. The way you described how you were feeling, I knew exactly how you felt. Exactly. You are a really good writer, Carrie. Really great.


CookieGirl said...

Hi Carrie - just recently found your blog. We seem to have a bit in common - I thought about applying for the medical writing program at Hopkins but have ended up doing an MSc in public health in London. I love it.

I fight the food-price-health wars at the grocery store as well, and I also envy my classmates who enjoy the internal peace and freedom to just grab a sandwich or whatever for lunch without a second thought.

Had to say, this line from your last post made me crack up (and I've had the same thought process on that little old wives' tale):

"Ed's ears perked up with 'starve.' He's all 'Really? We get to starve? When can we start?' Never, you mangy bastard."

love your writing! -cg

carrie said...

Thanks for your support. I am feeling a little better right now. I'm trying to get the last of my grading done right now, so I can't say more than that at the moment.


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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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