And at the end of the day...

Another day over.

Last week was so overwhelming that I haven't been quite at my prime this week.

I don't like that.

I don't like to think that I need a break that even, God forbid, I deserve a break. Or sleep. I restricted sleep for a year before the eating disorder took control. The psychoticness of that gave Ed a run for his money. I could never get myself to believe that I had 'earned' sleep or food. I wasn't worth it. I think that's when the exercising started to transition from the standard let's-not-gain-the-freshman-15 to more of a way to let me feel I deserved to eat.

Obviously, I still struggle with that. Things like spending money are tough. I like it and I don't like that I like it, and I don't think I deserve most of the things I've purchased. I bought a little Henley at the store today and it was on clearance for $7. It's everything I can do in my power not to return the shirt. It was a stupid, impulse buy.

Was it stupid? I like the shirt.

I got paid for some work I did over the summer (better late than never, right?). Does that make getting the shirt okay? Or the cute little paper organizer? Because I didn't need that either. I have old folders. Even I had to admit that one of them had past its prime after I spilled coffee all over it. Other than that, I have ways to organize my shit.

I'm blogging. I should be working. This could be considered 'work' if you try really hard and pretend that I'm going to use this blog to make it big in the writing world. Which I'm not. I try to keep my private life as freaking private as possible. Besides, I don't think reading about the nuances of my neuroticisms is a sure-fire way of getting hired.

My back is killing me right now. I spent the last hour or so hunched over, beading. I need to photograph my new stuff so I can list it in my store. I also need to get my stuff together for the craft fair I'm doing next week. I'll put up an announcement tomorrow or something.

I have to write lesson plans for tomorrow, which I'm really not wanting to do. I'm not sure my students are all that thrilled with the class, either. A part of me isn't really all that bothered. My view is that as long as everyone puts in their time, then we will have accomplished our goals.

My brain is shutting off. It's time for bed.

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ms. em said...

are we sharing a brain again?
cause, i think i just wrote a very similar post.
i'm sorry you are thinking these thoughts too...


Laura Collins said...

At the beginning of the next day - sending as much Internet espresso as the lines can carry and a smile.

Jae said...

Hey, I've been reading your blog for the past few days (I found it through goodwithcheese's blog) and I just wanted to say...


You are so worth all the little things (and the big things) you can do to make yourself happy. Rock your new shirt, and show off how fab you look!

I'm sure some stranger telling you that doesn't change how you feel, but maybe, overtime, it'll make a difference. Hang in there sweetie.

disordered girl said...

I'm reading blogs instead of working...oh well. Don't be too hard on yourself, and have a great day today!

mary said...

Every budget needs to include a wee bit of pampering! I'd call a shirt for $7 a bargain. Maybe it's an artist thing but I like to wear stuff that feels right. Quite often it's a cheap plain black T shirt but it's so I can wear any necklace I want. How elegant, huh? Actually, I stain easily.
Because you are having fun with beading you are probably more in touch with being an artist than you realize. It does affect your brain in a different way! If you start buying T-shirts related to every place you my SIL used to do and then she'd pass on the stuff to my kids....we'll get you some help.; )
Sorry your class has become one of mere 'getting through'. Maybe something exciting will happen to turn it around.
Hang in there./****

carrie said...


Check the comments on your post. :)


Okay, so I have the ethernet cord in one hand. I'm just trying to find a vein.



Thank you for the sweet comments. I'm so thankful for this little community we have.


I'm doing the same thing. Hrmph.


It's a cute shirt. I like it. So I guess I'm going to keep it, if for nothing else than I'd waste more gas money taking it back to the store than just keeping it.

I stain easily as well. I am also a cat fur magnet, so I like white shirts because then you can just bleach 'em.

Speaking of which- I need to do laundry, stat.

Sarah said...

keep the shirt!

said the girl who just came back from a trip to a FUNERAL with nine new pieces of clothing.

I hope you're feeling better today. And I want to especially thank you for your comments on my blog. I take them very seriously and I appreciate them so much, especially when my ed-phones are too tight.


Hope said...

It's a good thing that you recall how lack of sleep affects your health. I know it's hard sometimes, when you are a student, but remember that it's basic human need, not a luxury.

Enjoy your shirt and compare the cost of it and the paper organizer with the cost of one day of IP or Residential Treatment.

Try to be as kind and caring with yourself as you are with others.

Get that ethernet cord handy again...I'm sending lots of hugs!!

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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