I have these recurring dreams, and have for about the past year.
I dream I am back at the treatment center where I was residential for seven months in 2006. Sometimes the house looks the same, sometimes it doesn't. The residents that are there with me in the dream tend to vary: some of them were actual residents, some of them were girls I knew in high school that likely didn't have eating disorders, but they were there nonetheless. And some of them are totally random people, people that I don't know, have never known, and seem to be sort of "placeholders."
The one person who is always present (besides me, of course) is the one girl (M) who betrayed me so deeply that I can't put it into words. The exact details of what happened are too long to go into now, but I always go back to the treatment center after this event happened.
Another odd fact: there is rarely any staff present. This is probably significant, but maybe it's not.
Most of the action focuses around me and M. How she's languishing there for one year, then two. How she manipulates the staff to keep from gaining weight. This part is certainly true. I even told the director I thought she was full of shit, but that didn't change anything. My motives for telling them were somewhat less than noble: I was jealous. Jealous that I had to eat and gain weight and follow the rules and blech, and she seemed to get every exception in the book and managed to get everyone to feel sorry for her.
Anyway. Back to the dream.
Sometimes what happened between M and I plays a role in the dream. Last night it really didn't. I don't know.
Most of the time, it is winter. I am there around Christmas, which makes sense. Three of the six times I wound up in psych wards or treatment centers were in December.* This doesn't mean there is snow on the ground, but it's wintertime.
From then on, the action tends to vary, except it all leaves me very frustrated.
And then I wake up.
Besides the frustration, the dreams scare me. Just a little bit. I don't want to go back there, I don't want to feel that all over again. As Sarah says, they keep it fresh. They remind me of what really happened. The events surrounding M and her betrayal of me have kept me from romanticizing treatment. It was nice to be surrounded by girls who understood, until they stabbed you in the back.
Now, I have the 'sac. And that is so, so much better.
*Seasonal affective disorder? Who, me? Never. ::rolls eyes::