Midnight Musings

School is beginning to pick up. Bit by bit.

I went to a Gaelic Storm concert tonight with two of my classmates and had a blast. It was great to have a two-hour stretch where I didn't think about school, eating disorders, etc. Just the great music, jumping up and down, and screaming my head off.

Which does make me wonder how I'm going to explain my raspy voice to my new students tomorrow.

Sorry...out late partying. Welcome to the fun!

The rest of the day, however, was intense. Not just in terms of eating disorder thoughts (which wasn't really that much above average) but in terms of juggling school work, cleaning the apartment, getting stuff picked up. It's odd, but when I did laundry earlier this week, I actually felt quite competent and proud of myself.

I know, it's laundry, I've been doing my own laundry for a decade now, big deal. But I felt like a normal grown-up. Even though the lady at the theater tonight thought I was under 21 and tried to charge me an extra couple of bucks (since under 21s can't buy liquor). I felt that I could start to handle things. I was normal. I was doing what normal people did. And I took my clothes out of the dryer and they were warm and smelled good.

I was snapped out of my reverie when I looked at the size of the tags on the clothes. I'm aware that it's arbitrary. That it varies from item to item. That it doesn't mean a damn thing. But I still look at my pants, and I judge. I want to know how I really look, not just how I think I look.

And with that, my brain has decided it is time to go to sleep.

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5 comments:

mary said...

If you are going to judge Carrie, why not look at the size and say to yourself "GOOD FOR ME"? Why not see how good it is that you've allowed yourself to be more?
Those sizes represent choosing you over ED and that's something to smile at. You've cut your own chains and escaped.....now reclaim what's rightfully yours...life without dictation by that creepy ED.
Glad to hear about the raspy voice....more signs of taking care of you. /************

Faith said...

I hear you. This weekend I bought an Is@@c Mizr@hi at T@rget jacket. It was not in the size that makes me comfortable. It was actually 2(!!!) sizes above that. I am going to cut out the tags and move on with it. Hopefully. Ugh.

xo
Faith

Jeanne said...

I hear you, too, carrie - about tags and such. I make a point not to look at them (even though I have memorized which article of clothing is what size...) I think that is why my favorite outfit used to be my re-enacting dress (1860s) that I made by myself, for myself. I had a "size" on the initial pattern, but that was just to get the shape of the pieces. As I made it, I tucked it here and shortened it there until it fit me (and my not quite straight sewing style) perfectly. When all was said and done, my dress hardly resembled the "size" that I started out with. It did resemble my shape though. Fit me like a glove (well, until I got pregnant anyway and my body completely changed...)

Ah, those were the days though... (mainly the 1860s when clothes were not mass-produced. But also a teeny tiny bit of wistfulness for the days before I was a mom and had oodles of time to spend on me, myself, and I...) 8-)

thinking of you...
jeanne

carrie said...

Mary,

If only this were logical...then I think it might stand a chance. But I have certain styles in certain brands, and that helps with the size madness.

Faith,

Target has some weird sizes. I'm too short for any of their pants, but I have found a few tops there. And PJs.

Jeanne,

I would love to see that dress. I love that time period, and I also love to sew. I've made a pair of real basic cotton pants, and a few other things involving straight seams, but I want to learn more so bad.

Hope said...

Here's to more fun times where you can actually forget about ED and any other worries for a while.

You should be proud of yourself for juggling all the tasks on your plate as well as working your recovery program. If you want to judge yourself on something make it that.

Now get those scissors out and cut out those tags. And as Faith wisely said, "move on with it".

Hugs and snorgles!!

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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Have any questions or comments about this blog? Feel free to email me at carrie@edbites.com



nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote



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