Up and down and all around

Yesterday was my last Sunday at home. Today is my last Monday.

Yes, I'm a little sad (I haven't turned on the faucet yet, but just wait), but I'm also getting really nervous. My excitement is typically channeled into nerves. I am looking forward to it. I'm taking cool classes, hopefully meeting cool people. Hopefully I can manage my landlord (and buy them off with some jewelry if it comes to that).

But then there's that pesky bit about the food.

I learned the hard way last weekend where a skipped lunch can lead me. Ed was right there, waiting to pounce. I mean hey- if I could skip lunch, why not dinner? And if you skipped lunch today and survived, then you must do so tomorrow. And then there's the fact of remembering that you liked the hunger, in a sense. That it relieved anxiety.

Of course, then I realized that this was digging myself in a hole, and as the cowboys say, when you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. So then I got to face all of that displaced anxiety as I started eating normally again.

I look at the piles of stuff in my bedroom. In my brother's room. In the spare room. In the basement.

Holy Mary Mother of God- what am I going to do with all this?

And I look at the papers I'm supposed to be making a syllabus and teaching schedule out of. True, I got the first half of the class nailed down, but even then. I have to come up with lecture notes. It's like a baby trying to teach us EDers about intuitive eating. I have that look of, "You want me to explain what?" I know I was taught it at some point, somewhere long in the distant past, but even then, it was absorbed by osmosis. How did I learn to write? I copied the style of writers I read and liked. Ta-da!

But writing is messy and (other than journal writing) not meant to be private. So we're all going to share our shitty drafts as a group and look stupid and try to make sense out of it. I hope they can write better at the end of the class than when they started. I hope I don't cause any mass psychotic episodes. And I hope that none of them hate me. Too much.

I think those are the goals I need to keep in mind. I'm not out to create Pulitzer Prize winners. I'm here to get those kids through this class, teach them a little about public health, a little more about writing, give them a grade, and send them on their way. I have these fantasies about getting an email a year or two later from one of my student-elects saying how wonderful my class was, blah blah blah. Which is totally unrealistic.

I think I need to scale down my goals a little bit. Let's get through the class, the semester, the year. That's it.

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Jeanne said...


it's okay to feel everything that you are feeling.

It's amazing how we come to like feeling hunger - that empty gnawing sensation in the pit of our bellies. For me, it's like it gives me strength, grounds me to reality., helps me forget...

I believe in you, carrie - you will get through this year!!

Sarah said...

Transitions are so hard, and moving and new jobs are among the most stressful transitions. These feelings are totally normal . . . I think this is going to be an amazing time in your life. I really do.


disordered girl said...

It is totally NOT unrealistic that someday you might hear from a student that you made a difference. That is what is so great about it-you never really know until later whose life you touched. Trust yourself and go with the flow. You will be great!

ms. em said...


i relate. not eating was a way for me to calm my anxiety, too. one of those blinding glimpses of the obvious, that i just realized a little while ago.

one day at a time, my friend.


carrie said...

Jeanne and Em,

Sometimes I think the hunger relieves anxiety because it is so dissociating. It's like walking around in a permanent out of body experience.


Thank you for the vote of confidence. It does mean a lot.


Hah! You haven't seen the assignments up my sleeve! ;) I do hope to help them learn and give them a memorable experience that is more positive than not. I still keep in touch with my history teacher from high school- that was 11 years ago! (It was my junior year). So not improbable. But I'm not holding my breath, either.

Packing packing packing...la la la la la.

samsi77 said...

You got it, just like in that movie "What about Bob", Baby steps, one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time. You are on track and you are going to do exactly what is needed in the moment. The challenge will be enjoying and appreciating how effective you are being in the moment!

lauren said...

Carrie- you are going to be amazing, please have faith in you. I believe 100% in you and I know things are going to probably be a bit hard but you can do it darlin!!!!!!!
So much love to you today!!!

Kirsten said...

Sometimes it simply taking it one day at a time. : )

Kirsten said...

I mean, sometimes it IS simply...

I'm a bit up and down and all around myself today.

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About Me

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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Have any questions or comments about this blog? Feel free to email me at carrie@edbites.com

nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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