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I'm quite tired right now. Very long day.

I'm thinking I need an end-of-day ritual to help wind down. Not the OCD clean every surface in your house kind of ritual (though I've done that, too), but more of a hot cup of tea and a candle and reading material kind of ritual. I'd like to snorgle with Aria before bed, but she's a bit on the unreliable side in that aspect. Oh, she's happy to cuddle, but on her terms and her time. Which usually means walking up my stomach at 3am.

I'm feeling that odd place between wound up like a knot and completely wiped out. Mentally, I've had it. Lots of stuff going on, trying to coordinate my class schedule, updating my jewelry business inventory and bookkeeping, ditto for my books, doing a presentation at a group for parents of kids with EDs. Physically, I'm actually feeling okay. I didn't go for my evening walk, which was fine because it was so stinking HOT that I would have melted. But that helps keep my nervous energy down.

I do have to remind myself that's why I started exercising compulsively in the first place. I know I need to be careful with that. I have such a fine line to draw with everything. I mean, I know dieting will bite me in the ass sooner rather than later. Ditto for purging. Exercise is, for me, a much more slippery slope. It does feel good on some level. I need to make sure I eat enough fiber because I've half-wrecked my intestines with years of laxative abuse. But I can also get obsessive about counting grams of fiber and making sure I eat X grams per day, etc.

I drive myself nuts with this. It's like a big seesaw and I have to find a way from smacking the ground on either end. Black and white thinking typifies my family. Clean or dirty. Good or bad. Cheap or expensive. It's like a group seesaw.

Balancing everything is tiring. But I also feel I have to balance everything in just the right way. It's not good enough to keep from going into one extreme or the other. Oh, no. I have to find that exact middle spot, the fulcrum of the seesaw.

Jeez- I need to balance balancing.

I think this goes quite a ways in explaining why I'm so worn out at the end of the day. Balancing...perfectly.


I don't know whether to give myself credit for even trying to balance things. Because staying in the gray area on one thing could very well mean going to the black/white issue on something else. I guess maybe it's the effectiveness and usefulness of that black/white. For some people (hi, Mom!) it means not wearing white after Labor Day. I dunno. If it makes you happy, go for it. I don't really notice or care.

I wish I could take a vacation from my own brain.

Instead, I will leave you with a picture of my kitty's front paws. They were so adorable I had to capture them on film.

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Jeanne said...

I cherish my end-of-day routine - brushing mine and my son's teeth, before reading him a story, singing him "our" song ("Shanghai Breezes" by John Denver,) and resting with him (or reading my own book by nightlight, so I don't fall asleep) on his bed until he drifts off to sleep.

Balance... Like the elusive "enough"... If I had an answer, I ... probably wouldn't have an eating disorder. [sigh] As I often tell my personal trainer, balancing isn't exactly my strong suit. But I guess as long as we keep trying to live in the moment, for the moment, maybe balancing will become easier. We can hope...

Your kitty is adorable - paws and all!

Willow said...

Balance, such a very tricky thing to find. I'm struggling with it a lot myself. I don't like how I look in the mirror, but I'm OK with how I look in some recent pictures... where's the balance there? I think the balance in my brain is possibly permanently out of whack. I want to lose X pounds without letting Ed get wind of it. I'm almost positive there is no way to balance that one.

Life feels like a rollercoaster with too-high highs and too-low lows. Balance would be nice, for a change.

And I agree little kitty is a cutie!

carrie said...


I agree. Balance is as elusive as "enough".


Somehow I don't think Ed will miss that. I know the little f*cker well (don't we all). I'm trying to work on that I don't really like how I look at the moment, but it's better than the alternative.

mary said...

I like the idea of an evening ritual that will help relax you. Keep it you suggested with tea and some reading. It may a good thing to have some easy on the soul reading as well.
Learn to say "no" when you take on too much. Keep your priorities in order. Life around recovery. You matter most to whatever you do so take care of you first.

RioIriri said...



I take pictures of my kitty's feet a lot!

Nancy Lebovitz said...

I recommend Too Loud Too Bright Too Fast Too Tight by Sharon Heller--it's about sensory defensiveness-- a problem with not being able to deal comfortably with what are usually considered ordinary stimuli. This is usually considered a psychological problem, but it's deeper in the nervous system--your mention of not being able to handle being upside down and having difficulty judging satiation for exercise reminded me of the book.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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