I'm quite tired right now. Very long day.
I'm thinking I need an end-of-day ritual to help wind down. Not the OCD clean every surface in your house kind of ritual (though I've done that, too), but more of a hot cup of tea and a candle and reading material kind of ritual. I'd like to snorgle with Aria before bed, but she's a bit on the unreliable side in that aspect. Oh, she's happy to cuddle, but on her terms and her time. Which usually means walking up my stomach at 3am.
I'm feeling that odd place between wound up like a knot and completely wiped out. Mentally, I've had it. Lots of stuff going on, trying to coordinate my class schedule, updating my jewelry business inventory and bookkeeping, ditto for my books, doing a presentation at a group for parents of kids with EDs. Physically, I'm actually feeling okay. I didn't go for my evening walk, which was fine because it was so stinking HOT that I would have melted. But that helps keep my nervous energy down.
I do have to remind myself that's why I started exercising compulsively in the first place. I know I need to be careful with that. I have such a fine line to draw with everything. I mean, I know dieting will bite me in the ass sooner rather than later. Ditto for purging. Exercise is, for me, a much more slippery slope. It does feel good on some level. I need to make sure I eat enough fiber because I've half-wrecked my intestines with years of laxative abuse. But I can also get obsessive about counting grams of fiber and making sure I eat X grams per day, etc.
I drive myself nuts with this. It's like a big seesaw and I have to find a way from smacking the ground on either end. Black and white thinking typifies my family. Clean or dirty. Good or bad. Cheap or expensive. It's like a group seesaw.
Balancing everything is tiring. But I also feel I have to balance everything in just the right way. It's not good enough to keep from going into one extreme or the other. Oh, no. I have to find that exact middle spot, the fulcrum of the seesaw.
Jeez- I need to balance balancing.
I think this goes quite a ways in explaining why I'm so worn out at the end of the day. Balancing...perfectly.
I don't know whether to give myself credit for even trying to balance things. Because staying in the gray area on one thing could very well mean going to the black/white issue on something else. I guess maybe it's the effectiveness and usefulness of that black/white. For some people (hi, Mom!) it means not wearing white after Labor Day. I dunno. If it makes you happy, go for it. I don't really notice or care.
I wish I could take a vacation from my own brain.
Instead, I will leave you with a picture of my kitty's front paws. They were so adorable I had to capture them on film.