Welcome to Emotion Central Station. Doors open to your left.

The fact that I'm hormonal notwithstanding, I've been an emotional basketcase these past few days.

Complete breakdown in Kohl's parking lot. Wailing and sobbing in my mom's car. I couldn't find a freaking pair of pants. All of the pants I had worn this spring didn't really fit very well, except for one pair of khakis. So I go and try on the same size only in black. They were suction-cupped to my ass. I try on the next size up. It's smaller than the first. I try on another pair, same size. They fit pretty well.

Then there were the jeans.

The Jean Fairy must have visited my closet and shrunk them. All two pair that I owned.

This did not bode well for a good mood.

Found jeans. Again, one size up from the pair that fit okay.

I think I'm going crazy at this point. Everything is "stretch" now, which means I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of finding something that fits just by looking. And so much for being comfortable in my size.

Ed then convinces me that my dietitian is lying about the fact that my weight has been stable. Of course I'm getting fat! She's just lying to be nice.

So I lose it. I'm frustrated from the lack of pants, frustrated because nothing fits right, and furious and terrified that I have gotten fat.

This, my friends, was not pretty. I sob my heart out to my therapist on the phone. I scream and swear at my mom for letting me get fat. I yell at clothing manufacturers. Then I made my mom drive me home where I fell asleep for a couple hours. I saved the day by suggesting that we go see the new Harry Potter movie. It was a nice 2 and a half hours of fun. And forgetting. At least a bit.

I don't like this, how these meltdowns happen out of the blue. It's like I'm muddling along just fine and then boom! I just fall to pieces.

I had been tired, doing a bunch of stuff for this fall, preparing readings and other course materials. Hormones. Anxiety. Bad anniversary coming up. And so on.

I know we're all emotional people deep down. I just wish I had a little bit more control over them. Could kind of say, "Not now, Carrie. This is not a convenient time to have a complete meltdown." And then lose it later, when I had time and space. Only life doesn't work that way.

I hate that.

Then again, all of these emotions spur creativity. I made jewelry tonight. Weeded the garden this afternoon- and was smart enough to use sunblock. Took some photos.

I only wish that my feelings could come in moderation. No, I have these ridiculous mood swings, which is not surprising given a strong family history of bipolar disorder.

I just want to learn how to live with it. Roll with it.


Anonymous said...

Meltdowns never seem to happen at a convenient time, do they? Forgive the horrible analogy, but it reminds me of that feeling you get when you know you're going to be sick...and you're inside a Kmart (or equivalent). And dammit, you're going to explode! And there's nothing you can do but bolt as fast as you can and at least *try* to make it to the proper facilities. Meltdowns always seem to happen in public, or at least at inconvenient times. I hate that crap! :P

The whole thing with trying on clothes and having to go a size up made me melt down, too. I don't miss those days. The good news from my perspective is that it's gotten easier. The meltdowns have gone down in number and the clothing size hasn't gone up in two years. Your body (and your pants size) is very likely stabalized now. Your mind and your wardrobe will adjust with time. :) So there is light at the end of the tunnel. :)

Libby said...

FWIW, Kohls always makes me melt down. Always. I avoid the place like the plague. Something weird about that store...

But anyway... clothes shopping is the worst, huh? I've gone to mostly internet shopping, myself, so that I can try on things one at a time when I feel strong enough. Yeah, I end up sending a fair amount of stuff back. But somehow it's worth the postage to be able to do it in bits and pieces.

Libby in DC

Gina said...

Unfortunately, clothes manufacturers are on Ed's side. There aren't any standardized sizes leaving those of us who are extremely sensitive to the whole 'trying-clothes-on' bit in shambles. Sometimes I think of it this way: Ifmy best friend's boyfriend was driving her mad with insults about her weight, I would demand that she drop him and then I would give him some parting words.
Funny how I let Ed talk to me like that! I hope you are feeling better. We are all in this together and are all in the same boat. I'm glad to have the motivation to recover though, and you should be too!

Gina in NYC

disordered girl said...

I so understand how those breakdowns hit you out of the blue. You show amazing strength by going through it and using it for creative purposes. Keep on keepin' on, girlie.

Sarah said...

Ugh, I hate times like this. I hope you are feeling better today.


mary said...

And here you are, still standing. You are a fighter ya know?
No doubt the fairy shrunk those other pants! I love drawstrings myself now though I wore jeans for years.
You are beautiful just as you are so get used to it. /*
Those inside messages that make you so sad are the liars!

carrie said...


Had that nauseous feeling. Outside a winery. When I was underage. Got a glass of water in a wine goblet. As the cops walked by. So yes, I know what you're talking about. ;)


I wish women's clothes were like men's- you know your measurements, you get the pants, you're done. I'd love to do internet shopping, but my legs are fairly short and I end up between misses and petites. It's such a toss up, even when the inseam is the same.


If Ed were a real person talking to a friend (or even me sometimes), I'd knee him in the nuts so hard they'd come flying out his nose.


Why thank you.


Ditto. You feel better too, 'kay?


There are all sorts of fairies. I love drawstrings, too, but there are just some types of pants that don't work that way. And I love denim. That color looks great on me.

mary said...

Hey Carrie,
I buy my jeans in the men's department. Back in the day that's how we all bought them ....levi's/rustler's were measured by waist and length. Not exactly designer but there is bootleg. Most women's jeans give me a wedgies look or don't fit me as well. Except those drawstring ones. : )

carrie said...


I think I'm too freaking short for any men's jeans. Alas.

My college roommate bought them all the time, though. She was tall and straight up and down, so she didn't fit women's jeans very well.

Jeanne said...

Fashion industry sucks! I dread clothes shopping - especially for pants/jeans. I'm vertically challenged myself and find that many manufacturers seem to think that "petite" women are skeletons (or 95 years old.)
Frustrating and annoying.
But I digress...

Good for you for calling your therapist! But an especially big YEEHAW for shouting at your mom and clothing manufacturers!! Let those emotions roll!
Seriously, that is the hardest thing to do - is just to allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling and go with it. Eventually, things may even out - because your soul/body/mind will know that your emotions can be set free when they need to be.
It may not seem like it - but you are learning to live with your emotions, you ARE rolling with them.
And that is amazing!

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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Have any questions or comments about this blog? Feel free to email me at carrie@edbites.com

nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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