Time to Think

Let me start off with this: much of my thinking today has been concerned with my class, how I'm going to structure it, what I'm going to do, running to the bathroom because I'm terrified and might wet myself. I worked myself into quite the lather.

Then I did something totally out of character for me. I turned off my laptop, lay down on my bed, and just let myself think. What are the assignments? What do you want to focus on? Will you have time to focus on it? What are the benefits of leaving this out?

Slowly, one by one, I went down the list. I didn't try to resolve the questions, but rather to put them into context. To slow my ever-spinning brain down. To breathe.

To tell you the truth, my questions aren't a whole lot more answered now than they were before. I still don't know the exact course sequence, which I'm told is understandable. But I can begin to put things into place. I can actually make a wise-minded evaluation, rather than running off half-cocked and freaking out. Which is a horrific combination and has resulted in my making many horrific decisions.

This is compounded, however, by my inability to see all potential sources. I don't have access to Medline, which means I can only see abstracts. Tomorrow will be fun with the printers; however, that's not to say that I can't do anything at the moment.

Because of my anxiety disorder, I tend to rush ahead out of fear. Part of the reason it helps for me to have my parents along when I'm looking for housing is that I get so anxious about not finding anything that I sometimes want to take the first thing I see. Obviously, if it's a roach-infested dump, I don't have a problem leaving it behind. I don't like roommates with two legs (four legs and furry, however, seems to be good), let alone those with 8+ legs. I get so freaked out and stressed out that I begin to say "Screw it!" and just sign the damn lease to have it over with. I'm not rash. I don't make decisions without really thinking, or because I don't care. Rather, I tend to panic and do something out of fear.

Taking time to think.

That being said, I know what I like when I see it. I have also been known to think something to death. I can analyze a Nutrition Facts label to death...calories vs. fat grams vs. sodium vs. fiber vs......versus any damn thing you can think of! I (try) to think now of things like: what do I want? Have I had enough protein today? What sounds good?

Step back.
Think.

It's so contrary to our entire culture at the moment. I think that's why the 'good' and 'bad' labels are so appealing- we don't have to think. French fries? Bad, don't eat them. We don't have to think if we want them, the type of fries we want (steak fries with that powdered ranch dressing mix on top. If you can top this, let me know- I'd love to try it), where we want to get them. Apples? Good, eat the apple.* Obviously, we need to be able to make quick decisions. But there's an advantage to really stepping away and thinking.

*By the way, the whole "Apple a day, keep the doctor away" thing is total bullshit. I ate an apple a day during my eating disorder and that has done the complete opposite.

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7 comments:

mary said...

Don't blame the apple Carrie!

And steak fries cooked with thyme, rosemary, garlic powder and whatever herbs you like are really tasty. In fact thyme is really tasty on any kind of potato.

Wow, apartment hunting. You can do this. You know you can. Whatever you pick it won't be forever but it ought to be comfy. Make sure it has well lighted parking too.
You are so brave to be out there on your own doing all these things without someone helping you. I'm impressed and I know you'll figure this out. For what it's worth anyone else would feel just as overwhelmed at having so much to do.
Be kind to yourself./*

carrie said...

Mary,

Anything with rosemary is good for me! I made an olive oil/rosemary/balsamic vinigarette once. Yum. Good for salads or even roasting potatoes in the oven.

As for parking- what parking? It's all street parking. Unless you want to cough up $75/month at some of these places. I suppose this means I had better learn how to parallel park, no? ;)

One apartment (and hopefully one roach motel) at a time.

I feel half confident/half half assed (a quarter assed?) right about now. I'm typing out my course essay sequence and I sound manic but the content is good. When I meet with my advisor tomorrow, I just have to clean it up a bit. Or at least reassure her that I've taken my meds. I'm back on B-complex too and Lord does it help!

Carrie /*

marcella said...

I was going to say the same thing about the apple but Mary got there first.

We have a lot more choices these days than our ancestors did and the brain (anyone's brain, not just one recovering from an illness) perhaps isn't really ready to cope with them.I know mine isn't.

Well done for taking it slowly. One appartment at a time, one assignment at a time, one bite and a time, one breath at a time.

Laura Collins said...

An excellent reminder to ALL of us to leave room for just thinking!

Lindsey said...

Oh, how I rush through fear I will freeze, or worse, how I freeze through fear I will rush!

I take you for my good example: it's okay to ride the fence between not thinking and over-thinking.

:) :) :)

(Ditto on the apple addendum. LOL) :)

carrie said...

Marcella,

Yes, indeed my dear friend from across the pond, one thing at a time. I just realized I forgot to put you on my Mother's Day list. Consider yourself added, m'dear.

Laura,

You're absolutely right about us all needing that reminder. I need it a lot! ;)

Linds,

You don't have to ride the fence- you just have to find the middle ground. Though I say "just" as it were some sort of easy thing to do. Ha!

As my high school history teacher said: riding the fence just gives you splinters in your ass.

Lindsey said...

Hope you're having a good weekend, Carrie! Thinking of you!

:) :) :)

Love,
Linds

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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Have any questions or comments about this blog? Feel free to email me at carrie@edbites.com



nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote



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