Let me start off with this: much of my thinking today has been concerned with my class, how I'm going to structure it, what I'm going to do, running to the bathroom because I'm terrified and might wet myself. I worked myself into quite the lather.

Then I did something totally out of character for me. I turned off my laptop, lay down on my bed, and just let myself think. What are the assignments? What do you want to focus on? Will you have time to focus on it? What are the benefits of leaving this out?

Slowly, one by one, I went down the list. I didn't try to resolve the questions, but rather to put them into context. To slow my ever-spinning brain down. To breathe.

To tell you the truth, my questions aren't a whole lot more answered now than they were before. I still don't know the exact course sequence, which I'm told is understandable. But I can begin to put things into place. I can actually make a wise-minded evaluation, rather than running off half-cocked and freaking out. Which is a horrific combination and has resulted in my making many horrific decisions.

This is compounded, however, by my inability to see all potential sources. I don't have access to Medline, which means I can only see abstracts. Tomorrow will be fun with the printers; however, that's not to say that I can't do anything at the moment.

Because of my anxiety disorder, I tend to rush ahead out of fear. Part of the reason it helps for me to have my parents along when I'm looking for housing is that I get so anxious about not finding anything that I sometimes want to take the first thing I see. Obviously, if it's a roach-infested dump, I don't have a problem leaving it behind. I don't like roommates with two legs (four legs and furry, however, seems to be good), let alone those with 8+ legs. I get so freaked out and stressed out that I begin to say "Screw it!" and just sign the damn lease to have it over with. I'm not rash. I don't make decisions without really thinking, or because I don't care. Rather, I tend to panic and do something out of fear.

Taking time to think.

That being said, I know what I like when I see it. I have also been known to think something to death. I can analyze a Nutrition Facts label to death...calories vs. fat grams vs. sodium vs. fiber vs......versus any damn thing you can think of! I (try) to think now of things like: what do I want? Have I had enough protein today? What sounds good?

Step back.
Think.

It's so contrary to our entire culture at the moment. I think that's why the 'good' and 'bad' labels are so appealing- we don't have to think. French fries? Bad, don't eat them. We don't have to think if we want them, the type of fries we want (steak fries with that powdered ranch dressing mix on top. If you can top this, let me know- I'd love to try it), where we want to get them. Apples? Good, eat the apple.* Obviously, we need to be able to make quick decisions. But there's an advantage to really stepping away and thinking.

*By the way, the whole "Apple a day, keep the doctor away" thing is total bullshit. I ate an apple a day during my eating disorder and that has done the complete opposite.