Comments and Contradictions

See, here's the weird thing about working with a bunch of women on a diet. All they talk about are fat grams, calories, and clothing sizes. I feel like I'm back in treatment! One woman was talking about how glad she was to fit into an old pant size. Yippee for you.

The lady who is in charge of this "Big Fat Loser" contest knows about my eating disorder, having told her in order to have her remove those damn posters in the break room (er, weight room?) She has been singularly kind and sensitive. She even checked my book out from the library. This tickles me greatly; however, I kind of wished she would have bought the silly thing from me. I could have autographed it! And earned a couple of bucks! Gone for a latte, even!

Ah, the days when I had money.

So I'm assuming, since this woman has read nearly 3/4 of the book, that she has a little bit of a clue about eating disorders.


She was tallying the weight loss, and trying to decide in determining the winner/loser for the week whether it should be average pounds lost per person, or average pounds lost per percentage of body weight.

Aren't there bigger things in the world to worry about? Trust me, your ass isn't that big. It isn't nearly on the level of, oh I don't know, world peace and such. If you ask me if I think you're fat, you better know I'm not going there with you. It doesn't matter if I think you're fat, it matters if YOU think you're fat. Half the time when I asked that question, I was kind of fishing for compliments. I wanted to be told how great I looked, how thin I was, how svelte. People didn't see the sallow skin, the dark circles, the protruding bones. I was thin.

How boring.

I think that's a lot of what irks me about this whole weight loss shenanigan. I'm bored of it. Almost bored to tears. I have spent the last seven years of my life thinking basically about food and weight. I don't want to hear much more about it. If you want nutrition information, save yourself the trip to the website and just ask me! I could write the book on nutrition.

If only I could figure out how to read the darn thing.

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Harriet Brown said...

Well put, Carrie. The whole weight loss fixation is BORING as well as lethal, obfuscatory, and a bloody waste of time!

mary said...

The sorry truth Carrie, is that most people are too involved with their own saga to fully grasp the idea that someone with an ED has a struggle unless they are closely affected by this in their own life. Even parents and relatives sometimes fail to understand that recovery is like swimming against the current at times and it's not a deliberate plan with the intent to show the world their great control. If only!
Education will require more than the media saying the words, it will require information about challenge in a way that doesn't place Ed's on an alter. Sadly, many naive people still use the word as an insult to thin young women and have no idea the work it requires along with chemical balance in the brain to heal from this. Try to forgive them. They only know their own struggles and everyone has them. BTW, your primary job is to heal, education to the world is secondary.
I'm not sure I believe in accidents. You are working with this lovely group for a reason. Perhaps without them you'd be sticking around and refusing to accept the support you need. Perhaps without them you'd not be so frustrated that you woke up to the contrast of your problems, your weight needs to increase and theirs 'may' need to decrease, both for health. Your fears are based on an actual failure of a diet. Most people won't follow your path even though everything within you feels that they are treading on thin ice.
Carrie, this situation is your gift. You need to take care of you, deal with your saga and they couldn't have slapped you awake any harder.[sorry about this] You know your triggers! You've bravely stated that you've had enough. Do you know how big a step you took? This is a giant leap in favor of YOU. Keep moving away from them and surround yourself with as much support as you can to recover. Use your safe places to release your anger at how F*** hard it is! Then take another step.
Hurray for you!


I think I'm dealing with this now because it's the first time I'm strong enough to deal with it. I haven't fallen prey to Ed's whisperings in my ear. That alone is worth it, that I can be my own person, have my own damn chocolates on my desk (which have had the strange habit of disappearing while I'm not around, might I add).

I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that wants to go back. But there's such a larger part of me that wants to go forwards. I've BEEN there. It's like going to the same vacation spot over and over and over. There will probably be a part of you that wants to go back there again, that place will develop some sort of mystical allure. But if you never go some place different, you won't know what you're missing.

End cheesy metaphor.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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