I met with my dietician this afternoon, and my weight is finally coming up. I swear, I thought I was going to have to start raising my own cows. To eat. Whole. Several times a day. Well, breathe easy, Bessie. There may be hope yet.

My secret weapons? Peanut butter and ice cream. If I can combine them, all the better!

I've been calorie-counting free for a week as of first thing tomorrow morning. Yikes! I haven't managed that in several years! I'm kind of proud of it, but I also have to stay on guard. I can't count just once. I fall right back in. Ditto for weighing myself. I've finally gotten to the point where I've realized that these behaviors are very counterproductive. I always think I've consumed too many calories. I always think I can shave a few pounds off my current weight. It makes me miserable! So why do I do it?

Habit. Decrease in anxiety (very short term). Hell if I know.

I've been using a technique I heard about in the movie What the Bleep do we Know? where I'm actually visualizing the changes in my brain as I continue to refeed and recover. I picture the neurons in my brain that are attached to things related to the anorexia (calorie counting, weighing, restricting my food, exercise) withering and dying. At the same time, I'm picturing the neurons towards healthy and positive activities (writing, beading, crochet, etc) strengthening. With food and thought, I'm actually changing the structure of my brain.

Mind-boggling. I love neuropsychology. If I ever got a PhD, it would be in that. Instead, I'm just going to write about stuff like that as a profession. Easier and more interesting.

So Bessie, I'll see you tomorrow. Though watch out- I've been having quite a hankering for hamburgers!