It's no secret in the strange world of eating disorders that sufferers like to compete with each other. Usually it involves who weighs the least, but it can also be who exercises the most, has had their ED the longest, has come closest to death and lived to tell about it, etc. It's completely pointless in the grand scheme of things, but let me tell you, when you're locked up, it's one of the few constant sources of entertainment.

I've played this game for years, and never really come out on top. There was always someone sicker. Always. And there always will be. I have been sicker than others, and not as sick as some. Every person is this way. Every eating disorder is different.

I almost miss the game of trying to be the "best" anorexic. I'm kind of competitive (though I avoid competitions in general because I'm a pretty bad loser. Not the chuck the board game across the room bad loser, I just tend to hate myself after), so that game was a way to measure my worth. And a way for Ed to keep me within his grasp- I could always be better at my eating disorder. All this in spite of the fact that Hallmark does not make cards that say "Congratulations! You just got a tube stuffed up your nose!"

But today, one of my online friends said, "Why don't you try being the best WORST anorexic?"

It goes something like this: why not try to be better at achieving a healthy weight, at following your meal plan, at not exercising on the sly, at not purging or cutting or whatever. I like that. It's a positive competition- with myself. It's a challenge, even much more of a challenge than the anorexia ever was. The anorexia was part of my brain's wiring; recovery is rewiring my brain.

So there. I'm Carrie. The best worst anorexic in the world.