Feeling stabby

Perhaps whining about Valentine's Day is solely the realm of angry single chicks. If so, count me in.

I hate this holiday. The week leading up to it is pretty much a 24/7 reminder of how much of a loser I am because I can't get a date.

I feel pathetic even admitting that. I'm a self-identified feminist. I know I don't need a significant other to be fulfilled. Most of the time, it doesn't bother me. Most of the time, my single-ness isn't rubbed in my face with commercials for jewelry and nice romantic holidays. Because when I see this, all I can think is that a boy has never bought me flowers, never taken me to a nice dinner or on a nice date. I've never gotten jewelry or romantic notes or any of that stuff.

My mom's gift this year was rather epic: a garbage can. Plum, to match my office. WTF?!? Way to make me feel special, Mom! Who needs flowers or chocolates when you can have a designer waste recepticle!


Even many of the people widely considered to be losers and jerks in my high school class have gotten married or at least are in long-term relationships. My blatantly psychotic cousin is married. Which only makes me think that there has got to be something seriously wrong with me.

I'll shut up now. No one needs to hear me wallowing in despair, wondering what 80 kinds of fat, freakish loser I must be to never have had a Valentine's date or card or anything like that. I'm just in a mood.

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hm said...

You can wallow and whine. It sucks to just get a garbage can for Valentine's Day- although your phrasing made me snicker. (You're a great writer, even when you're pissy!)

Anyway, it's a Hallmark holiday. Created to turn over a profit by guilt-tripping people into comparing themselves with others.

Shoot me your address, and I'll mail you a valentine... you can pretend I'm a guy named Clyde who likes cute little feminists with lots of attitude. ;)

Katie said...

That sucks, Carrie. I don't think there's a damn thing wrong with you, you seemed like a perfectly nice, funny, attractive and intelligent person when I met you. All I can assume is that every man you've ever come into contact with has been a short sighted and/or narrow minded git.

There was a fundamental problem I always had with dating as someone with experience of mental health problems, which was that I didn't want to tell the other person my whole life history in the first five minutes, but I also didn't want to get too close and risk being hurt if they reacted badly to the discovery that I'm covered in scars a few weeks in. I seem to have circumvented that issue by falling in love with close friends who also happen to have experience of mental health problems, but dating? I've never been asked or taken out on an actual date, in which two people who do not know each other meet for dinner or whatever. It's a tricky business.

I am highly annoyed at the universe on your behalf. Feminist or not, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone and nothing wrong with being pissed off at the way Valentine's day is shoved into the faces of the entire population of the Western world by companies out to capitalise on peoples insecurities and competitiveness.

*hug* anyway.

Angela Elain Gambrel said...

Oh, Carrie! {{Hugs}}}

Whining about Valentine's Day is also the realm of those of us heading for divorce court. I spent my Valentine's Day at an AA meeting, thinking what a total loser I was and how my anorexia totally destroyed my marriage.

Grr...I hate "Hallmark" holidays.

Hang in there, sweetie. You are intelligent, beautiful, and a wonderful woman.

Angela Elain Gambrel said...

P.S. My husband used to write me romantic letters, send me flowers, yada yada yada...and in the end, it didn't mean a thing, because he still left me. These days, I'd rather have someone who stood by me during the hard times and actually contributed something to the household account instead expecting me to work 10-12 hours a day while he sits on his...

Well, you probably get my point. Right now I am a little burned out on romance.

Abby said...

Just because they're in a relationship doesn't mean they're in a happy and healthy relationship. I know entirely too many people that would probably be better off single--or with someone else--but stay just for convenience.

I'm single myself and have been on both sides of the coin, although it's been years since I've had a date (by choice...I think.) If things are supposed to happen, they will. If you force it or wallow for too long, all the fun is gone. Focus on you, as you do, because you're fabulous ;)

Amy Dickman said...

Even with a "date" which means my husband who sometimes feels like Hitler over me with regard to my ED, it is the same. Heck for my fabulous birthday I received a deep fryer...I don't eat deep fried anything....I asked for an iphone and a tablet.....got a deep fryer! I could care less. Look at it like this, lovers celebrate 1 day a year and singles do 364.....I think you celebrate WAY more! ;)

Anonymous said...

I think you need to make a list of single women you admire. Now ask, "What is so RIGHT with me that I am single like them?"

Seriously, getting a date is not a measure of any kind of success. I say that as a single person myself. Also, before you start feeling like it's YOU that they don't want, ask yourself how you feel about some of the guys you've met over the years. Some of them probably weren't at all attractive to you. So you're not desperate. If you were you would have settled for some guy who would treat like crap and expect you to take care of him. You have self respect, and you're waiting for the right guy. No shame in that.

Anonymous said...

Do you actually WANT to be in a relationship? Or do you just want to have one to "prove" you're not a loser? (You're not a loser. I think you know this, really. You are nice and clever and I am envious of you.)

Jennifer said...

You _do_ write very well, Carrie. And, I laughed out loud about your mom's beautiful (yes, beautiful I am sure because I love the color purple) gift. I liked what anonymous had to say - starting with making a list of single women you admire.
Have you joined groups that include both men and women? That's how I met my wonderful third husband..... yes, third. By the time he came into my life, I finally loved myself.

HikerRD said...

Getting married or having a partner is hardly an accomplishment;being happily married is yet another story. Therefore, you are no different than most of the universe!
Throw away your fantasy of chocolates and flowers--I consider myself among the happily married couples and if I feel like chocolates on Valentine's day I pick them up myself. No different than any other day for us. So do be careful about what you project on couples and this lovely Hallmark holiday!

Carrie Arnold said...

Sanabituranima, you nailed it. BAM. I was talking with a friend a few months ago and we both agreed we currently liked the idea of a relationship more than we actually wanted a real, live relationship. Do I actually want to date right now? I don't know the answer to that. But you hit it right on--I just want to feel not-loser-ish.

Claire said...

Ha, I used to hate being single on Valentine's Day, now I've got so used to it that I don't care any more. I bought myself a big box of chocs and had a takeaway and smiled at the man as I paid. I have a disability which makes it difficult to meet men, I used to agonise over it, but not any more.

My social life has improved in the last couple of years, so I don't feel lonely and enjoy going out with my friends. I get very needy and emotional in the wrong type of relationships and so it's just easier to be on my own, being much more stable and not being on a virtual roller-coaster.

Perhaps it'll happen, but I'm not sure I want children as I have a serious chronic illness as well, and I wouldn't have the energy or ability to look after them as well as I would like. So, I've sort of put dating to the side until I'm 40ish (am nearly 35), so my biological clock doesn't drown out my logical mind!

Anonymous said...

I am coming to this late... (I have been drowning in my own misery...). I was going to say the same thing that 'Sanabituranima' said. Perhaps you don't really crave a relationship; you just don't want to feel left out, or unusual?

I say that because I know that my wants and needs in life are rather different to most other women's. I don't go gooey at the idea of love and romance, and although I have had a partner in the past for nearly 3 years, I found it heavy-going (as did he) because of my introversion and preference for burying my nose in a book than going to a party.

The number of well-meaning friends (who simply couldn't be alone and are somewhat extravert) who seem to think that I would be happier in a relationship are probably wrong. My friends are terribly important to me, and I love them dearly, but I just don't want to be in an intimate relationship with anyone, despite what society says women 'should' want.

Sally said...

My mother sent me a container of dates (the fruit) so I'd have at least 20 dates lined up in the fridge on Tuesday night. sigh.

Carrie Arnold said...

Sally, put those dates in the microwave and you can have a hot date. Haha!

Giselle said...

Carrie, I have never EVER had a Valentine either! I try to view it as just another way the media manipulates us into believing we have to part with our hard earned cash.
On the topic of your married psychotic cousin, I too wonder how such people can be in relationships but I am not. I just have much higher standards!

Anonymous said...

I had my first 'Valentine' this year, and I'm 28, in recovery from anorexia since I was 20. All I could think of this year was how much (for the first time) I didn't give a crap about valentine's day, compared to how horribly invasive and PERSONAL V-day felt when I was single. (which, up until this year, I have been for my entire teenage and adult life.)

All I can say is that you're an amazing woman, Carrie, and I hope you don't let this commercial excuse for a celebration of love get to you. The biggest scam of anorexia's web of lies is that you're not lovable. And I promise--you are. We all are. As fucked up as we are.

A:) said...

I have never had a valentine. . . I had someone I was attracted to for the past ummm 9 or 10 months or so who seemed to respond to my attentions. . . He attempted to sleep with me, it didn't work out (he was in love with his second girlfriend, who has been broken up with him for over 4 years. . .)

I was mature enough to realize that he was immature/unable to seize an opportunity of someone who actually wanted him. . . He was my first, so at 22, am I now looking for someone who is not emotionally unavailable/as complicated as I am. . .

Carrie, I was wondering if you had ever considered letting go of you eating disorder postings/activism -- not saying it is a bad thing, but simply that perhaps it does keep you "stuck" in this mentality?

I know as someone who wishes to pursue graduate studies, I am doing this in a mental health field other than EDs, simply because it would remind me too much of my own struggles. . . I need that influence to fade away as I immerse myself into life . . Does that make any sense?

Anonymous said...

I totally relate to this. I *hate* the Valentine's Hallmark holiday. It reminds me of being all alone.

Karen Barber said...

Carrie, I hate all holidays. Christmas = greed, an economic indicator. Valentine's Day - Hate it. A pretend day where you supposedly have someone that loves you enough to shower you in flowers and chocolates and take you to a nice restaurant - You better buddy or you are in the doghouse. I have been lucky enough to find someone that thinks like I do. Everyday is Christmas, Everyday is Valentines. We love and respect each other dearly. It took over 40 years for us to find each other. So Carrie, ignore the holiday bologna. Get out there where that guy for you will find you. You are so smart and such a good person and there are lots of guys looking for you. Be visible, use Match.com or other services - carefully, and find that guy that is looking for a girl to celebrate Valentines Day EVERYDAY!! Love you!! Karen

Kelly said...

Where are you these days? :/

Kelly said...

P.S. Hope that didn't sound painfully whiny. I was just worried.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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