Yep, normal would be nice. Going back in time to childhood and having seconds of icecream just cos mum's not watching would be nice!!
But we are where we are. No point 'what if-ing'.
I'm working on choosing things to eat that I know I should be eating, that will add nutrition to my meal. I know the 'I hope I don't like this too much' feeling, and I'm not going to tackle that just yet.
One step at a time. Get my nutrition right first. And manage that for long enough to know that I'm really doing it - and coping. Then I'll tackle things like what would I actually enjoy?

I've found that recovery kills food enjoyment. I actually used to enjoy things quite a bit- on my terms- making up for the enjoyment either beforehand or afterward- I could eat bread and cheese dipped in olive oil with wine, or dark chocolate, or butterscotch schnapps... I could relish every single bite/sip. AS LONG AS I had adequate time to "prepare" for it before- i.e. not eat for all of most of the day beforehand- or to "make up for it" after- i.e.- wait- do I need to specify? I'm sure you get it. Sometimes I'd do both- make up for it before AND after. Usually, actually. Whatever.

But my point is, I DID enjoy the food I ate. Even if I got tortured mentally for it later. I would submit to the torture, pay my dues, and I'd be... fine. Eventually. Sort of.

Now that I'm in recovery and my portions are set, there's no room left for enjoyment. I can't eat anything I like b/c I'm too stressed about fitting in everything in my meal plan. And since I can't make up for the enjoyment by punishing myself for enjoying something, now I can't enjoy anything, ever. Wah.

And even if I COULD get past the "guilt" factor, there's the I'm-so-full-I-feel-sick-and-bloated factor. Who can enjoy ANYTHING when feeling like THAT???

Recovery sucks. But I guess it's the price I'm paying to stay alive. I wonder if someday I'll learn how to enjoy things again, on healthier terms.

holy wow. yes. i am certainly not so good at recovery BUT i hear this and feel it. i haven't ever been capable of purging so A.N. has measured every taste with some counter as hm said. i now pretty much eat or drink to fulfill a requirement just so that i'm sort of stable. i could not do diary cards because i am already hyperaware of every single bite, calorie, feeling and i found this just aggravated things. i have begun to ask, when in the safety of trusted allies, for things i want when i'm out. things i have some vague memory of liking or at least wanting and denying. i thought for a long time if i could think of food as only fuel that THAT would fix things but alas it just took the human principle of any pleasure and threw it out as well. it would seem a sort of relearning of enjoyment is necessary in order to quiet the chatter of hate that says one doesn't deserve. for now, in the company of friends, every now and again, i'm doing this but man the mental gymnastics over it, the guilt and heaviness and fear are so hard to hurdle just to eat. i don't know what normal is but it does help to watch other people even if while seeming surreal.

actually hm is right! I hadn't realised that before. Now there are such consequences to everything I eat because I can't just go for a bazzlion km run or restrict for however long to compensate. Recovery has sucked a bit of the fun out of food. BUT ONLY FOR NOW! Short term pain for long term gain. When I talk to my recovery support officer who is fully recovered I can see the future. She is slim and fit. So I don't have to obsess over that my-gp-is-going-to-make-me-fat thing. But she is also calm and happy. She can eat and still smile. She can exercise and still breathe. She has a life. That's where we're heading ladies. Just a long road to get there that's all :)

its funny how when you live with an ed for so long, you do start to forget what "normal" really feels like. I've been maintaining recovery for about 6 months now, although I still have some residual thoughts. Most of the time these residual behaviors are things I've done for so long I dont even notice until I stop, like automatically ordering whats "healthy" over what I really want. All I can say is that over time I have begun to unlearn everything anorexia had taught me. After devoting months to counting calories I have only now forgotten the caloric values I had once asssigned to every bite. So while this doesn't mean that I wasn't recovered before, I think it means that I am "more recovered" now. I think that everyday I grow farther away from ana ( and all the time I devoted to "getting good" at ana)and closer having a normal relationship with food. The sub-concious need to choose low-cal over taste is something I am learing to forget, I think it will come only with time :)

I know exactly where you've coming from. Definitely been there! But now, later in my recovery, I've actually been able to get that back, at least some of the time. It felt very foreign at first--like when my body first started giving me signals like "You're full," "you could use some protein," "fruit would be nice," etc. and it felt like a superpower! Anyway...at least for some people, it comes back.

i felt the same thing this weekend when my parents decided to have a scone with cream....in the middle of the day...pretty close to tea time, and i was like, why? because they wanted to. why not? i just thought....but you don't need it? its not food time? if your hungry have a drink and some fruit! then i realised i was the one thinking oddly, not them.

I remember what that's like too. When you're ill, food can be a necessary but extremely limited evil, and/or an obsession, but it's not enjoyable in the healthy sense of the word. In recovery food is one or several of a novelty, functional and/or resented. You can find yourself blaming it for all the fuss the eating disorders kicking up, when really food hasn't done anything wrong, it's the eating disorder causing all the stress (I hope that made sense, it was a tricky sentence to phrase, but I don't have enough brain power left to get it right!).

For me, in recovery, my physical health came first. Once I was weight restored and maintaining I started trying to teach myself intuitive eating, and that's when I started really enjoying food and feeling freer around it. Now I am like your dad. A couple of years ago when I cooked a meal I would have made sure it was balanced, with the "correct" portions of carbs, protein, fats and veg in it. This morning when I made my lunch for work I cooked pasta without weighing/measuring it, chopped up some tomatoes, basil leaves and avocado, chucked in half a can of beans, added some olives just because I love olives, then covered it in lemon juice and avocado oil. I have no idea how many calories were in it, it wasn't obsessively balanced (three sources of fat in one lunch! Teh horrorz!), and it was lovely. I make all my meals like that now. I'm not saying this to be all like "whoo, look how recovered and awesome I am", I just want you to know that it's possible to have a severe and enduring eating disorder and to recover to the extent that you CAN enjoy food, without all those rules :)

thanks for being honest about this! I totally, totally relate. I have found freedom through my relationship with Jesus Christ; He is still teaching me and transforming me every day. Thanks again for your post!

in response to Katie's comment, I thought what you said was totally inspiring! It's nice to hear that complete recovery really is possible and that one day I might be able to live that way too!

Normal is possible. I am doing it. I am living it. It is. Recovery has heightened food enjoyment (for me) as it has heightened my enjoyment of discovering who I am outside of hospitals, doctor offices and scales. Give yourself time. It will happen. Patience m'dear.

I would love to live like that... It is like now, even without thinking, I immediately rule out anything "unhealthy" from my choices. Cream pasta? nope. Bacon? Nope. But they sound good! Gosh, Stupid ED!