Why I want recovery
I haven't not wanted recovery in a very long time, but I think it's also important to reaffirm to myself exactly why I do want recovery.
I think better.
This is a big one for me. When I'm eating well, I think clearly. My job is very intellectually demanding, and that's one of the reasons I love it so much. But if I'm not eating right, my performance declines. That's something that is not at all cool with me. If I want to be successful in my career, then recovery is a necessity not a luxury.
It's cheaper in the long run.
Therapy is expensive, and eating disorder treatment has bankrupted many families. I won't dispute that. Vast chunks of my paychecks are going to treat my eating disorder. And yet--forking out for therapy each week is cheaper than ER visits, hospitalizations, and residential treatment. So is buying nourishing food. Sometimes, you have to spend money to save money.
I have too many good things going for me.
I think this speaks for itself. I've spent too many hours wondering whether I could have gotten a Rhodes, Marshall, or Fulbright scholarship if I hadn't gotten too sick. I am where I am in life right now, and I'm okay with that, but no more regrets.
My health sucks enough.
Well, okay, my health is actually mostly pretty decent. But my bones have definitely seen better days (and as soon as I actually get insurance, I can get another bone density scan to see how things are faring), as has my GI system. Constant doctor's appointments suck.
I want to travel.
My dream trip is to the Galapagos Islands to walk in Darwin's footsteps. I can't go--I won't drop the large chunk of change on such a trip, at any rate--if I'm being dominated by ED stuff. Striving towards a really awesome experience like this is far more rewarding than striving for anorexia.
I promised my cat I wouldn't leave her.
Yeah, it sounds dumb, but when I got back from 7 months in residential treatment, I told my cat that I wouldn't leave her again. I don't intend to break that promise. She needs a mommy, and I want to be that mommy for her. This doesn't stop her from ignoring me as she pleases, however.
What are the reasons you want recovery? Share in the comments!
15 comments:
because it lets me concentrate on things other than food
because it means I can travel
because it means I can enjoy holidays and socializing with my friends
because it lets me be creative
because it means I have the energy to care about others and about important things in the world
Great post, Carrie- and great reasons to stick w/it.
My reasons, at least so far:
I want to grow old w/my hubby.
I want to meet, hold, and play with my grandchildren.
I want to stop making people worry.
I want to stop fighting w/my therapist.
Because it liberates energy and time for things that really matter and things that can be extraordinary, creative and bring pleasure to me and others. Instead of bringing worry.
'I want'... For the moment it is a very timid voice, but hopefully growing daily.
My reasons:
1. I want to be a writer again. ED does not allow that.
2. I love people and community. ED makes me forget that.
3. I want to be the best mom to my kids.
4. Travel without anxiety!
5. When I choose Recovery I can still experience my athletic pursuits with joy.
I want great, deeper, more profound recovery because:
1. I have managed to build a pretty amazing life for myself and I don't want that to go away.
2. I afore my husband and want to be really present in that relationship. My marriage has been an amazing gift of recovery.
3. My 3 beautiful sons! Another amazing gift of recovery.
4. I post-puking/starving life is very full and has very little to do with food.
5. Being free from food obsession has been a truely stunning change in my life!
Here are my reasons:
1. Without ED I can cook and enjoy it.
2. I want to run a marathon for the pure joy of running, not because it burns calories.
3. I love school, but I was so sick that I've had to take time away from my university studies. I can't wait to go back, but I know that this isn' a possibility if I'm not dedicated to my own recovery.
1. just like you, i think better. life was such a fog when i was in my ED, and it nearly got me fired from a very good job. i wasn't present in anything i did. i like life now.
2. money. i want some breathing room, without all the medical bills and checks to my therapist and dietician.
3. life is freaking good right now. i'd like to keep it that way.
4. i have goals like finishing school and becoming a therapist, that can only be achieved through recovery.
5. i want to go back to running marathons, which can only be done with some more recovery under my belt.
- I feel. I didn't feel anything other than numb when I was ill. In practise this means coping with anxiety and grief and anger, but even those things can seem beautiful after so many years with a drastically limited emotional range. And all the positive emotions are even better :)
- I have time and energy for other people. I couldn't focus on my friends when I was ill because 3/4 of my brain was always thinking about my next meal or my calorie tally for the day. I could not continue my relationship with my boyfriend if I was still ill.
- I am curious and interested in the world again. I have opinions and talents completely unrelated to food and weight. It's rather mind boggling.
- I like feeling brave. When I was ill, I always kind of felt like I was chickening out of life, hiding myself away behind all those rules and numbers. I was restricting because I was too scared to face the anxiety and complexity of life that recovery and health would entail. Now I face it every day, and I am proud of myself for doing so.
Because I cannot love fully and genuinely, unless I first extend that same love to myself. Recovery means learning to love myself unconditionally.
Because it is the only way to realize all the dreams I have but must set aside for the eating disorder.
Because life in recovery is more special, more fulfilling, than anything I could ever imagine.
Every now and then I get little reminder of the 'real' me again, and I remember what life was like before - relaxed, happy, social, outgoing. I'm still fighting to 'want' to recover, but reading posts like this helps me to keep trying :)
I want recovery because my husband deserves a wife and my kids need a mommy!
because I hurt for others who don't see their beauty and can't understand why they don't see it and I know that someone out there feels the same about me.
because I enjoy living so much more than slowly dying.
because I am worth the effort it takes to be healthy!
All great points. And the item about Aria doesn't sound silly at all, I feel exactly the same way about my dog. Animals become very attached to us and can tell when we're feeling down/sick/etc, and would definitely be stressed out and more if they lost us forever...
And you have one fantabulous mind that deserves all the pampering it can get! I was really intrigued by the piece that on aging (or not) in animals that you mentioned in a previous post, is it online yet? Can you send me a link?
<3
...because I have 3 beautiful children who depend on me...who I want to see grow, graduate, fall in love, marry, have children...who knows? All I know is that I want to be in their lives
...because I want my kids to know that happiness is not defined by numbers on a scale
...because I want my family back
...because I want my life back
...because I want to feel whole
"For the love of my children"
...because I can enjoy the beauty in the world if I am not so focused on food
...because it means I'm not allowing my past to define me
I've been meaning to do a post like this on my blog for a while now. Thanks for the push I needed to finally do it!
I just stumbled across your blog, and I'm so glad I did. When I'm struggling, it's so hard to see why I want recovery. But I'll give it a go:
-I want to go to ibiza with my friends
-I would like to be able to concentrate for my final a level exams
-I want to accept my place at medical school and actually last
-I want to have feelings about things
-I want to be able to be a teenager
I can't thank you enough for how much I needed to do that, I feel so much more able to face my day :)
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