"Nothing less than the best. Don't play if there's still work to be done. You're too lazy, you need to work harder, you're going to fail."

Reading this was painful: it's me, to a T. (To the point that I just spent probably a minute deliberating over that last comma. Writing a 3-page essay takes me days.) The perfectionism, doubt, and self-criticism have definitely gotten worse as I've gotten better. I don't know how to find freedom from the stress and anguish--but I don't think I can live the rest of my life like this.

"And that has been the hardest part of letting go, having to give up the one thing that seemed to make life easier. What has helped was realizing that it didn't actually make life easier, it just made life seem easier."

Powerful words. Shocking words. I'm still trying to get a grip on the fact that the ED, in fact, steals life rather than enhancing it- or making it bearable. It offers the illusion of solution wrapped in a death wish.

Anon,

Speaking as a writer/perfectionist, the comma could go either way. ;)

And yes, as I tackled the eating disorder, perfectionism, anxiety, etc, got worse in other areas of my life because I wasn't channeling them into the food issues.

That's my next big hurdle to tackle in therapy: perfectionism and black/white thinking.

Carrie - another excellent post, it seems you have an insight into how my mind works. Keep blogging, you are a great writer and an inspiration for me to continue the road to recovery.

Really like that you are addressing the myth that an eating disorder is a choice. I can definitely relate to the idea that an ED makes life seem easier, but in fact really makes things so much harder.

I started to read Portia's book, but I had to stop because she includes a lot of details that, honestly, were triggering to me. She talks specifics about how many calories she cut down to, what sizes she wore, and how much she weighed at different times. I didn't think all those details were necessary. All it did was make my ED voice say, "See, you're not as good of an anorexic as she is. She must be way more disciplined than you. You never got down to 100 pounds like Portia, so she must be a better anorexic than you are."

That's why I benefited more from reading Jenni Schaefer's books because she knows how triggering those details are and left them out.

-Emily H.

I relate to your title and what you write so much. Its like that book "don't sweat the small stuff" but in opposite, i couldn't sweat the big stuff therefore the relatively small stuff for most people became the big stuff...

i hope this makes sense...
your title makes too much sense too me...
thanks

xxx

i'm with the last poster!!!

everything that you have said ruminates perfectly with me also.

getting away from the ED is like turning into a person that I don't know and who isn't "me".. The ED does make it easier to be ME!

i agree with the control comment it's like, gee, thanks, im a control freak than am i?

Even tackling the "black and white thinking' isn't so black and white. Apparently, you're well on your way to tackling it, as you've gotten as far as you have in recovery!

http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2010/06/you-dont-understandi-cant-have-just-one.html

That is a very powerful statement by Portia. A family member is actually sending me her book because she thought I would be interested. I have had many patients talk about wanting to read it and I'd like to have a handle on how Portia presents her disorder. I've heard it could be very triggering to some. Wondering if you've read it or plan to and/or what your experience with ED memoirs has been.

Great post Carrie. I read her book and had to constantly remind myself that her life and choices aren't mine and to compare my ED status to her experience isn't rational.
I also agree that my development of my ED was not my choice.

But my recovery is.

And I'm grateful to attempt to reach for that choice each day.

Thanks for the conjuring ideas Carrie.

FWIW, I haven't read Portia's book and I probably won't.

I used to devour ED memoirs. Although I still read ED books and such, I steer clear of most memoirs. I know what having an eating disorder is like--I don't need to read about it.

{{And yes, I've written my own memoir, so I realize it's rather ironic that I'm saying this, but whatever.}}

I like what you said in your last comment about memoirs:

"I know what having an eating disorder is like. I don't need to read about it."

It's so true....why read a book that could be triggering if you already know what it's like to suffer with ed?

Anon,

I know some people read the memoirs for education and understanding (I'm much more likely to read a memoir, say, about binge eating disorder than anorexia/bulimia simply because I know less about it), and to feel less alone. When I was first diagnosed with OCD, I found tremendous comfort in reading other sufferers' stories because it felt so nice to know other people felt the same way.

I'm not against people reading memoirs--far from it. But I personally am not very drawn to them at this point in my recovery.

Again you've written a post that seems to connect your thoughts to mine. My illness was bulimia and control issues and perfectionism are still occasional problems. I find yoga and swimming especially helpful.

I am reading Portia de Rossi's book, and am finding that she is a great narrator and gives her justification for ed behaviors in detail. It is not as if it seems salacious but the story could be told without the calorie counts.