Liking life again

Actually, maybe the "again" bit is a mistake because I don't actually remember ever liking my life before. Not that I was a ball of misery who hated everything (well, not all the time anyway), but I wasn't content, not even marginally so.

Truth be told, I still have massive anxiety issues. I didn't get nearly as much done last week as I needed to because I was freaking out about a gazillion things. I still worry a lot about my writing career, but I'm not really that worried about being able to do that. These first few weeks have shown me that this is a very viable career path for me. Whether I'll be able to get a mortgage is a different story--and one of the reasons I was freaking out--but if writing means moving into an apartment instead of a townhouse, so be it.

But right now, I'm actually feeling okay. Not great, but good. I'm sitting outside, in the sunshine, working on my writing, drinking coffee, listening to Dar Williams, and I'm realizing: I'm gonna be okay. Things are going to be just fine. Maybe not right away, and they probably aren't always going to be okay, but for now, they're okay.

It's quiet moments like this when I think that there is a life after an eating disorder. It doesn't come quick or even all that surely, but it does come. I'm not fully recovered, no. I still struggle greatly with eating "off plan" and with wanting to overexercise and all that other stuff. I'm not fixed or cured or "all better."

For now, though, I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the moment (and hope my editors get back to me!)

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Rose said...

Love seeing this light in you, Carrie! enjoy :)

Amy said...

"I'm sitting outside, in the sunshine, working on my writing, drinking coffee, listening to Dar Williams, and I'm realizing: I'm gonna be okay."

That sounds absolutely fantastic.

Sarah at Journeying With Him said...

YAY! Good for you Carrie. I like how you talk about how everything isn't perfect, because are we ever going to be fully fixed of all our problems? Nope! We are works in progress our entire life. It's cool when we can begin to accept that and take pleasure in life where we are. I'm so glad you have decided to follow your heart with your writing career.

JenP said...

This made me smile. It's the little moments, isn't it? :)

Lisa said...

Hold onto this moment! :) take care. I'm happy for you

stay strong

Kate said...

isn't it amazing when this happens? the other day, i was on a walk with my husband, and i said, i actually feel good about myself and the world right now. it was amazing! we felt like we should celebrate! turns out, noticing it was almost good enough.

Libby said...

That's awesome. You're awesome.

Isn't it great when being self employed lets you work outdoors? As soon as my laptops are charged again, I'll be out to the deck to work some more.

Jade said...

I love your blog and think it's awesome to have connections with people who struggle with the same things we do. :)

Cathy (UK) said...

I'm really happy that you are enjoying the moment and 'sitting back smelling the flowers' :)

May it continue!

Anonymous said...

Sweet thoughts. Life is beautiful and meant to be enjoyed.

EDs make you forget that (or don't want you to know that) - take care of yourself Carrie and enjoy those moments!

Unknown said...

:) !!!!

Cammy said...

I wish blog posts had "like" buttons...this made me really happy to read!

Allessa said...

love Dar Williams! I've always particularly connected with "After All", especially that first line - "go ahead, push your luck, find out just how much love the world can hold". When it's really tough sometimes I just listen to that and it makes me feel strong again.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading a bit of your blog, and I have to say, it's inspirational and very well written. I hope you continue on with it

Sweet Tooth Sally said...

Anxiety, is my middle name

Anonymous said...

this is the first time i have ever even read a blog, i really feel like i need to reach out for advice. I got the eating Disorder about 2 years ago, i lost about 25 pounds. i was doing so good, i was finally back to 100 pounds and now i feel like i am slipping, i know i am. This scares part of me. What should i do?

Sweet Tooth Sally said...

See a therapist. @ 100 lbs and you are now feeling like you are slipping? You have slipped. Get some help, call a clinic, go to your PCP.

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About Me

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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