I struggle with hunger cues. The major struggle is that they exist outside of the prescribed mealtimes of my meal plan. If I could only get hungry when it was convenient, that would be nice. I think I'd prefer not get hungry at all, but alas, that's not going to happen.
Last Friday, it was late and I had already eaten my evening snack. All is well until I start getting hungry again. Like really hungry. And what sounds really good to me at that time were some baked beans. I debated for quite some time about whether to eat those damn beans. I had already eaten "enough" for the day. The beans had lots of salt which means water retention (said in singsong voice). Blah blah blah. Those reasons were my anxiety talking. I was anxious about eating extra, about eating something significantly extra (I've gotten to the point where I can have an extra piece of candy and not freak the hell out), about, mostly, doing something different. Breaking the routine, doing something "risky."
Yes, I define risk as eating something new or different or extra. Anyone still wonder why/if I have an eating disorder? Didn't think so...
I ate the damn beans. I used the CBT skillz (all the work I've done on learning them totally gives them the extra "z") I had been working on with TNT and told myself the following:
- I was hungry. There was no doubt here.
- I had been unusually active on Friday (worked a half shift at the bakery).
- I don't have a history of emotional eating, so the hunger was almost certainly physical.
- The real risk was negligible- I knew that one serving of baked beans wouldn't hurt in the long run, even if my emotions weren't exactly on board.
Somehow, this shouldn't result in so freaking much drama. But there you go.
Tonight, something similar happened. I had already had my evening snack (the same thing, come to think of it, that I had on Friday) and I was still freakishly hungry. I wanted, more than anything, to not be hungry because I didn't want to eat again, and I didn't want to have to find something to eat again.
So I tweeted about my feelings, and reminded myself that I need not hate myself for needing to eat more. And that as much as I would like my car to get better gas mileage, I don't begrudge it the fuel when it needs it. I ate an apple and peanut butter.
I feel disgusting right now.
I feel disgusting and I know I did the right thing.
Maybe that last bit is the saving grace.