My life was never 'normal' pre-anorexia nervosa (AN) and it isn't exactly 'normal' post-AN. My AN was so intertwined with a mild* ASD that it's difficult to distinguish the AN and the ASD.

(*N.B. Above, I state 'mild' [ASD] in the sense that socially I don't have too many problems nowadays - except for social anxiety - but in terms of rituals, routines and 'special interests' characteristic of ASD then these rule my life..).

I will never be without rituals and routines - and these include rituals and routines that have nothing to do with weight, shape or 'typical' AN. Eating will always be difficult due to my sensory sensitivities (strong dislike of the taste/smell of certain foods, inability to eat hot food, and a fear of choking/retching if I eat too fast). My appetite is a poor indicator of how much food my body needs, and without a meal plan I will tend to under-eat. A meal plan ensures I eat enough.

I think it's important that professionals are aware that some people with EDs have co-morbid ASD, and that some of what appears (to others) to be signs of an ED are actually symptoms of ASD.

Thus, on your green light list Carrie (which makes a lot of sense in terms of recovery from AN...), it would be difficult for me to be flexible around food choices and eating behaviours; not because of my history of AN, but because of a core neurological condition...

I just found your blog and I'm so glad I have.
My ED has only really just started (in the last 2 years) and yet, it has totally taken over.
I want out. I resent it for making things so miserable, and yet, I am terrified about getting bigger.

Green lights are what I remember well. The time when I could eat a whole plate of food... balanced food... carbs as well as protein etc.
Green lights meant that I could eat the odd ice cream without even THINKING about my body.
Green lights meant cooking really lovely things and then being able to enjoy them.
Green lights meant the buzz of being able totake advantage of really good supermarket deals on all sorts of foods I can't touch now!
WS

This is great, my green lights are pretty much the same as yours. Recently I had a tough patch in my life and I started to slip back to counting calories. Not to lose weight and restrict but just the comfort of it. I since then have worked on stopping it because obviously counting calories is no way to live!

Dana xo
http://happinessiswithin.wordpress.com/

I'm so so looking forward to this Carrie. Because I feel like i'm heading towards the Yellow...and maybe looking at it objectively will help me figure out what it'd doing for me/how to get the hell out!?
Thanks!

Thank you! I found this very helpful. I'm just starting treatment/therapy again and I copied the list of green light and added some of my own (eat something and not feel GUILTY). I am 49 and have never been without an eating disorder, but I can definitely do better than I am right now.

YES
I hate when I am asked what my life was like before the ED, because I don't REMEMBER life before ED, and it wasn't rosy anyway!

but imagining an optimal future, I can work on.

Cathy,

Thanks for sharing- your points are well taken. The "green light" list was what my signs were. I suppose I should have been more careful to indicate that these are just mine and yours might very well be different.

I, too, have lots of routines and rituals and serve a (basically) positive function, and these are not in any way a sign of relapse or struggle.

Carrie

What a great list! Even though I knew this stuff on some level, it's great to have it in list form. I really think I'm doing well lately because I'm more flexible about meals (times, quantities, etc). Meals used to be sacred to me, which was kind of weird. I really look forward to going out to eat now, which is new and fun. I don't freak out if I miss a planned yoga session or walk (and I don't do more than my yoga or walk). I don't get on the scale or do other body checks. And I don't count so much. I used to count every little thing. I still count calories sometimes but the number doesn't really affect what I'm eating. Sometimes I think I want to make sure I'm eating enough. I don't know. I'm working on that one.

I just wanted to thank you for this post. I love reading your blogs - they are so informative and insightful. This entry in particular has struck a chord with me, as I am in the amber place right now, and trying my hardest to get back to green. For me, green is being able to eat without feeling guilty, being able to decide what to eat easily and not mulling it over in my head for hours on end, actually enjoying food rather than eating it simply because I have to, and feeling comfortable eating around others.

Thanks for the response Carrie...

I actually think that your list sounds very sensible. Yes, it's your list and what applies to you, but I imagine that it will apply to many other people too.

I guess I just wanted to point out something that not everyone necessarily 'gets' (and which may be a little off topic..). This is that signs of recovery in some people may differ from those in others - and that behaviours that appear to be symptomatic of AN may actually be symptomatic of something else.

And so I think back to when I had various professionals trying to completely 'normalise' me (to which I would answer "but what, precisely, IS 'normal'?"). I had weird eating behaviours/rituals pre-AN and these persist post-AN. So, my feeling is that surely what is important is that I eat enough, irrespective of the way that I eat it, how fast I eat it and whether or not I count calories?

(Actually, I don't count calories anymore!).

Hi Carrie,
You seem to have a really good website and audience. My wife Denise Folcik just published and released her book "In ED's Path", about her struggles and recovery of a middle aged woman going through an eating disorder. I was hoping you would like to possibly read and post up a review on it. Please let us know and thanks for your time!