I see London, I see France

Thindustry triumphs again. This time in quite possibly one of the most bizarre items of clothing I have ever seen.

For only about $100, you can own a pair of LipoContour underwear, a kind of Spanx looking get-up that not only slims your tummy (which I can believe, as they look splendidly uncomfortable), but also can make you lose weight! Probably because you're so uncomfortable you can't eat. A blog on Digg.com said it more succinctly: "They are big, ugly and decidedly unsexy, but a pair of large white pants could become this summer's must-have accessory."

Trust me, ladies, no matter how bad you think you look in a bikini, it won't top a beachtime appearance in these swanky shorts.

In an article in the UK's Daily Mail, the designer of LipoContour--originally designed for use after liposuction, so we know they're totally legit, right?--has this to say about his little bike shorts:

The elastic shorts have two thin, tight layers of mesh fabric over problem areas, according to the designer, Italian cosmetic surgeon Professor Marco Gasparotti.

He says that the 'micro massage' action of the layers increases blood circulation and helps to break down fatty deposits and therefore smoothes out cellulite.

By assisting the body's lymphatic drainage process the pants also help to eliminate toxins from the body.

Several other things to note: these pants were created by a MAN for WOMEN. Not a surprise. Most cosmetic surgeons are male. Most of their clientele are women- though men are joining in on the fun in greater numbers. Also that your hips, thighs, and butt are called "problem areas." This isn't an uncommon euphamism, but I dare you to sit if you don't have a butt. I just dare you. And I hate to break it to you, but cellulite is a fact of life. It's kind of like your spleen- might not be the prettiest thing ever to walk the face of this planet, but it's there for a reason. Until I see some clinical trials, I won't believe a damn word. Probably not even then.

Of course, the product makers have to cover their LipoContoured butts somehow.

The product will work without exercise but a little bit of gym time can help, said LipoContour general manager Trisha Juke.

'It works more effectively the more active you are. A very active person might see a result in four weeks,' she said. 'But it is very suited to someone who has an office job and sits down all day.

'People get obsessed with food when they go on diets. This is a much easier solution.'

No, Ms Juke. The solution isn't to swaddle your flabby hiney in $100 mesh pants. The solution is to stop dieting. That solution might not put money in your pocket, but then these pants don't have pockets.

Do they?

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Rachel said...

Hey, and combined with the new weight loss flip flops, you can now be totally uncomfortable!

I wore one of those Spanx body condoms underneath my wedding dress. On one hand it actually gave me a waist, but I'm so glad we didn't have a long wedding and reception because within hours I was ready to wriggle out of it. Plus, there is no easy way to go to the bathroom while wearing one of those things.

Libby said...

That picture totally freaks me out. It looks like a torture device...

Anonymous said...

Good Lord.
I bought spanx once, the "original" ones that were just like pantyhose with the legs cut off. I wore them once and threw them out and decided then and there no more "control" apparel for me, including pantyhose. I wear only sheer-to-the-waist, or none.

carrie said...

Yeah, Spanx and LipoContour appear to be our century's version of a girdle.

I don't mind control-top pantyhose for short term, special occasions (ie, for my bridesmaid dress in my brother's wedding, prom dresses, etc). But regular, daily use? Count me out. If I do wear something, I prefer patterned tights. My favorite is a pair of faux fishnets.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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