For only about $100, you can own a pair of LipoContour underwear, a kind of Spanx looking get-up that not only slims your tummy (which I can believe, as they look splendidly uncomfortable), but also can make you lose weight! Probably because you're so uncomfortable you can't eat. A blog on Digg.com said it more succinctly: "They are big, ugly and decidedly unsexy, but a pair of large white pants could become this summer's must-have accessory."
Trust me, ladies, no matter how bad you think you look in a bikini, it won't top a beachtime appearance in these swanky shorts.
In an article in the UK's Daily Mail, the designer of LipoContour--originally designed for use after liposuction, so we know they're totally legit, right?--has this to say about his little bike shorts:
The elastic shorts have two thin, tight layers of mesh fabric over problem areas, according to the designer, Italian cosmetic surgeon Professor Marco Gasparotti.
He says that the 'micro massage' action of the layers increases blood circulation and helps to break down fatty deposits and therefore smoothes out cellulite.
By assisting the body's lymphatic drainage process the pants also help to eliminate toxins from the body.
Several other things to note: these pants were created by a MAN for WOMEN. Not a surprise. Most cosmetic surgeons are male. Most of their clientele are women- though men are joining in on the fun in greater numbers. Also that your hips, thighs, and butt are called "problem areas." This isn't an uncommon euphamism, but I dare you to sit if you don't have a butt. I just dare you. And I hate to break it to you, but cellulite is a fact of life. It's kind of like your spleen- might not be the prettiest thing ever to walk the face of this planet, but it's there for a reason. Until I see some clinical trials, I won't believe a damn word. Probably not even then.
Of course, the product makers have to cover their LipoContoured butts somehow.
The product will work without exercise but a little bit of gym time can help, said LipoContour general manager Trisha Juke.
'It works more effectively the more active you are. A very active person might see a result in four weeks,' she said. 'But it is very suited to someone who has an office job and sits down all day.
'People get obsessed with food when they go on diets. This is a much easier solution.'
No, Ms Juke. The solution isn't to swaddle your flabby hiney in $100 mesh pants. The solution is to stop dieting. That solution might not put money in your pocket, but then these pants don't have pockets.