Looking forward
I know I worry about the future too much. It's non-stop in my mind. What will happen when the bills come due? When I graduate? If I gain a pound? The future, that whole grand concept of things that haven't yet happened, scares the crap out of me.
And considering the events of the last couple years, I don't think my pessimism is entirely misplaced. Yeah, I know- some good things have happened, but by and large, things have turned out crappy. Mostly because of the eating disorder, but sometimes not. Regardless of why, all of my misgivings of what might happen have been strongly reinforced.
Now I'm trying (desperately) to find something to look forward to in the days to come. Graduation? Well, having money enter my bank account for once will be nice. Assuming I can find a job. A job that doesn't want to make my give myself a plastic spork lobotomy.
Scratch that.
So now I'm trying to think of something fun and random. Like travel. I have 6 weeks in December and January when I have nothing better to do. I intend to go traveling during that time. Lord only knows what where when or how, but that's what I am determined to do.
'Course, I'll probably book a trip and then a freelance job offer will come along.
I think I'm screwed on this one.
Right now, I need to tend to more pressing items. Like the article that's due tomorrow that I can't seem to get to sound right. I'd rather not get my head handed to me by my professor again, thank you. Or the fact that I should probably think about doing laundry. Or, for that matter, getting to bed and getting a decent night's sleep.
So I can wake up to another fun day of worrying tomorrow!
7 comments:
travel works for me too (sometimes it is the only thing...) i've got a three week trip booked for new zealand and i can't wait!
emxx
Em,
Hey! I'm going to kiwi-land, too! At least I hope. Maybe we'll run into each other...
You can worry if you want to. Go ahead and ruin a perfectly good day if you want to. I do it myself at times! I hate when that happens.
Better though that you be happy with your choices and know that there's probably some deeper plan in all that is and it's leading you to where you belong.
Your trip sounds like fun.
Maybe you'd like to give people plastic fork lobotomies for a living?
Being mad at the ED now is like being mad at cancer when you are finally being cured. Celebrate and savor your new improved life and know that if you stick with it things promise to be interesting and much better. You've got to be open to possibilities Carrie. Take a "READY OR NOT, here I come world" approach if you can.
/************
Yeah, worry seems like an integral part of life sometimes. I'm working hard to let go (hmm didn't I read a great poem about that somewhere?) One day at a time.
xoxo
Sarah
Carrie, i must say that although you seem to be a bit hard on yourself right now you are doing a terrific job managing the many aspects of being a grad student. Yes stress and worry are also typical components that go hand in hand with grad school just do your best to keep them in check. A DBT skill that I find helpful and comical too is delegate time each day for worries, set aside a time period for worries and put your worries aside until that time the next day, therefore needing to prioritize what you are to worry about! I think that planning a trip in the future is also very effective. You are working very hard now and a scheduled vacation could do wonders!!!!! Keep moving, you are doing the best that you can and that is all that you or anyone can ask or expect! Go Carrie!
When are you going? i'm going in january!
Em,
Me too! I leave right after Christmas.
This is creepy.
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