Echo echo echo

I'm just mentally wrung out right now. I said goodbye to my mom yesterday, and now it's just me and Aria. Who proceeded to walk laps around my bed all last night. A paw in the stomach isn't the best way to wake up. It is, however, quite effective.

I can't tell right now whether I want to sleep because I'm genuinely tired or because I'm avoiding my feelings. I know it's probably a little of each, but damn I wish I could figure out which one was more.

Being on my own- that is, being all alone- is scary. The last time that happened was back in March, where I proceeded to self-destruct and cut myself to pieces. I'm not cutting, nor even having urges to cut. But the silence is quite deafening. I have my iPod blaring to keep the clickety click of my keyboard from echoing across the walls.

Ed is trying to convince me that at least he would be company. Which is funny, because no company is better than his company and I have proceeded to tell him so. Doesn't stop the mangy bastard from talking, however.

This post is really going nowhere. I'm just tired. And confused. And stressed. There are so many little things to do, and it's overwhelming. I much prefer one big project, even one with many different aspects, so that I can get down to business and really focus. Not all of this little piddly stuff involving the removal of cat hair from many upholstered objects, the cleaning of mirrors, the filing of papers, the writing of lecture notes and a syllabus.

It's so hazy outside. I can hardly see downtown from my balcony. It's stinking hot- 95 degrees and humid as hell. I was going to walk down to the cafe that's about 3 blocks from my apartment to maybe get some work done, but I don't know that I want so much sweating involved. If I want to sweat that much, I'll work out, thank you very much.

God I sound pathetic. Whine whine whine. Oh poor Carrie! I'm not feeling bad or depressed, per se. Just a little frustrated and a teeny bit overwhelmed. And I am really really not used to being alone in an apartment. I like my privacy. A LOT. It's nice being able to get up and eat and shower and fart around whenever I feel like it.

It's just so freaking quiet.

Anyway, I have a few more pictures from my move. These are looking out from my balcony towards downtown Baltimore, and then the last is of Aria's latest "hiding spot."












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11 comments:

Jeanne said...

You go, Carrie!!! Keep telling the mangy bastard (Ed) to SHUT UP!

Those pictures are great - Baltimore is a lovely city (at least the Inner Harbor...) Little Italy is AWESOME (I don't know how close you are to it.)

I'm thinking of you...

You aren't alone.

mary said...

Great hiding spot!

It's ok to rest! You've been busy busy busy and after a long drive you are due some extra naps.
It's been so hot and humid here that I can barely move and I'm not all that far away.
Looks like you've got yourself a tree house you are up so high! Hope it's cozy soon. I think you and Aria can make it a home while you need it and this is just a place along the way. Everything is different this time./****

Libby said...

I hope you can get some good sleep tonight. Keep hanging in there. You're a strong one. Tenacious, even.

I've been thinking of you!

Libby in DC

Kirsten said...

Ed likes to appear when there's a new situation--the mind reaches back to what's familiar. But you'll make newer, better friends soon.

Nice pics but the last is adorable.

carrie said...

Jeanne,

B-more is...interesting. I think it'll be okay, but I don't think I want to make this city a long term gig. No offense to the wonderful inhabitants or anhything. But you're right- the Inner Harbor, Little Italy and Fells Point are all pretty cool.

Mary,

No kidding it's hot and humid- the heat index today was 107! And I thought these Southerners were sissies about the winters up north. Okay, they are, but I guess I'm a big sissy about the summer. I do not regret (for today, anyway) that I paid extra for a place with a/c.

Libby,

Why thank you for the compliment. That means a lot. Maybe I'll send kitty to your place if she needs a new hiding spot. ;)

Kirsten,

I'd send Aria after Ed but she's too dang lazy to hunt that SOB down. Knowing her, she'd just stare at him all queenly and say "remove this piece of scum from before my face or I shall have you beheaded. But do tidy my litter box on the way out, won't you, darling?"

Ed really is good for something after all!

em said...

I love seeing Baltimore... and your cat is so lovely (I'm a cat person and dying to have a couple but waiting until my children are older). Moving can be rough... I hope things settle down for you soon.

emxx

Jane said...

Stay strong Carrie. I have every confidence in you. Hope the weather improves soon--it'll be nicer to explore your new town when the heat/humidity aren't so oppressive. I'm sure you'll be busy with settling in and the start of school but drop me an email if you'd like to get together sometime.

Sarah said...

Hey Carrie, glad to hear you telling Ed to shut up! Tell him he's not on your new lease, so he's SOL.

Transitions are so, so rough, and you're going through some big ones. Your feelings seem quite normal to me (that may not be comforting -- heh). Just keep breathing, and take it one thing at a time, one day at a time.

You aren't alone.

xoxo
Sarah

carrie said...

Em,

Gotta love cats. I have nothing against dogs and enjoy their company. I don't pick up puppy poop, so that pretty much means I'll never own one.

Jane,

Thanks for the offer. I'll definitely keep it in mind.

Sarah,

One day at a time. I really need to remember that more often. If only it didn't feel that I had about a week to deal with at once... ;)

disordered girl said...

Oh, I do like Baltimore! I hope today is a better (and more rested!) day for you.

Harriet Brown said...

I hope you're feeling better now, Carrie. Your apartment seems just the thing for a young woman moving up. Like you.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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