The Walking Wounded

The good feelings have slowed considerably. I'm not feeling down, just...worn down. I have lots to do, lots that I've done, and I'm drained.

Mental illness is this incredible burden that so many of us bear, but a burden that is too often invisible or minimized. My coworker would be in her office at 8am prompt, all perky and awake. I'd stagger in at 8:35am and be like "Screw this sh*t- where's the coffee?" I know she looked down upon me for this- the lateness, the slugishness, the inattentiveness. And I began to look down upon me. There was a large part of me that was thinking, "Dude! I'm out of bed! I need some serious brownie points for that. I might be covered in fresh cuts, but dammit, I'm here."

I have come to accept that it is totally true. It's hard to understand when people don't seem to "measure up" somehow and we can't figure out why. My coworker was very judgemental (Faith, when you made the whack-a-mole analogy, she was one of the moles I was fantasizing about whacking. Gently.) and didn't really care that living and breathing could be an effort.

I made it through today. I had extreme urges to restrict, but I didn't. I might not have had everything I needed to, but I know I didn't let Ed in, either. I talked myself down from extreme anxiety. I will do it again tomorrow.

It's an effort. So much of living is an effort. Much of it is worth the effort, however, so I continue to push through. Some days, like today, I just get worn out. Tired.

So instead of rambling on as usual, I'm just going to close with lyrics from a song I've been listening to called "Get Me Through December." It says a lot of how I'm feeling right now. Sad, tired, and determined.

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Just get me through December
So I can start again...

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mary said...

Hope that there isn't 'extreme' anxiety today as well.
You are healing. Believe that!

Rest when you need to as it's can be nourishing as well. Think of yourself as a cat or someone without a care in the world and it might help mellow you when you get stuck over thinking life.
Music is a great healer!

Sarah said...

I hope you were able to get some rest last night.

The invisible burden. I get it. Looking at me, anyone would think, there's a normal person.

Little do they know!

I know that worn down feeling. Breathe deeply, go gently, and remember that it will pass.


disordered girl said...

Sending you some positive vibes, Carrie. I know how it feels, hang in there!

Libby said...

Being able to say that you didn't let Ed in, despite feeling tired and worn out... that's huge. He's a smart one, that Ed, and that's when he's most likely to pounce. Your strength is truly inspiring.

Libby in DC

Jeanne said...

You DO deserve brownie points for getting out of bed in the morning - thousands of them! We all do.

I'm so proud of you for not giving in to the urges of Ed! So, so difficult! Keep on talking yourself down!!

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote


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